Why Invest in Relationship Skills Before Finding Love?
No one wants to live with a feeling that disaster can strike at any time. However, we all take precautions to make sure that in the event that something bad does happen, we’re covered for major, albeit unlikely or seldom occurrences. Invest time in learning about who we are and what makes some partners more right for you than others is essential.
Many of us take precautions to make sure that we can live with peace of mind. Those of us with valuables have home and contents insurance, in the event a thief invades our home and takes off with our precious belongings.
Prevention
Those of us who have a car take it in for a regular service so that it’ll drive more smoothly, so that we feel safe and protected when we’re on the road.
We don’t wait for our teeth to go rotten before seeing a dentist. Therefore, we visit a dental hygienist from time to time.
For some reason, when it comes to general health, even though we may have health insurance, many of us tend to utilize it only once disaster has struck as opposed to taking advantages of its preventative services to keep us as healthy as possible.
Similarly, when it comes to our relationships, many simply rely on fate. They think they should just suffer and face the music when the time comes. For now we love each other, and they hope and pray things will carry on that way.
Given the divorce rate is very nearly 50%, it seems like throwing caution to the wind may be a dangerous way to run our lives. To just hope for the best, rather than take actual preventative measures to ensure our marriage runs as smoothly as possible doesn’t sound like much of an insurance policy.
One of the reasons many people don’t avail themselves of preventative relationship services is a lack of awareness. There are several health prevention programs around, yet still most marriage therapists focus on helping marriages in crises. Few are trained in preventative approaches.
Many read self-help books about how to keep their relationships healthy and think that alone will ward off all gloom and doom in their marriage.
While self-help books can help a lot with encouraging healthy behavior patterns, they do little to help a couple who have, for example, experienced challenging relationships in the past. Moreover, people can have all the information at their fingertips about what they need to do to create a more loving relationship, but applying the information in real time when faced with a partner that looks and sounds like a wild dragon spewing fire out of its nostrils, is another story entirely.
Dr Sue Johnson, an acclaimed expert on love and relationships, says that when we feel triggered by something our partner does, even if their intentions are good, this can make us feel like they are against us. When we feel threatened and our sensors are down and we’re not expecting it, we react badly.
Self-help books don’t give couples awareness about their past and knowledge about how this may influence their future relationship dynamics.
Awareness is Key
The more aware we are of what we bring into a relationship the better able we will be to choose a partner who will trigger us less and with whom we can be our most real and vulnerable selves.
Furthermore, the more aware we are of our past relationship wounds, the more we can heal these and become more reflective as opposed to reactive, the better able we will be to withstand relationship challenges.
Click here to read more:
https://gethelpisrael.com/why-invest-in-your-relationship-skills-before-you-even-find-love/
Get Gr8 Conversation Rolling on a First Date
Getting a conversation started on a first date isn’t easy for everyone.
Tom told me he found getting a conversation started especially hard for him. He isn’t much of a small talk person. For him, first date conversation feels worse than being stuck on a roller coaster ride, upside down, and naked. Figuring out what to say… Getting the listener interested…responding to what they have to say…it all feels like such a lot of work. Why even bother? Tom would rather stay home cuddled under his blankets, with his dog lying beside him on a cold winter night, than risk facing another failed date.
Who can blame him? If you find starting conversations really hard, no matter how badly you want a relationship, giving up just feels simpler.
Bare in mind that most people are not excited to be on yet another first date
In Hebrew we say “Kol hatchalot kashot.” All beginnings are difficult. But if we consider some realistic expectations that we have of ourselves when it comes to conversation, we can really make things flow much better.
For example, considering what we want our date to know about us is a good place to start. This can help us target our conversations better and ensure we cover important topics.
If we want them to know that we enjoy a good sense of humor, we can share some humorous (yet not too embarrassing stories) about something that happened to us.
If we want them to know that we’re spiritual, we can share a story about something that really made us feel alive and made us see the greater beauty in this world, and that made us realize that something much greater and larger than ourselves is in control.
For those of us who are super thrifty, we can talk about a great bargain we found the other day that made us really happy.
Tech people can share a new gadget they came across that they never imagined and talk about how this will improve people’s lives.
If we want our date to know how thoughtful we are, we can share the story about our last chessed trip to the hospital, or the last time we donated food to chayalim or the poor.
Coming up with stories and pieces of information at the ready can show the other person a lot about ourselves. If we were to only say, I have a good sense of humor, or I really appreciate a good sense of humor, our date may not believe it without a demo.
When we live up to our own expectations and come up with things to share about ourselves, we pave the way for our dates to step it up as well and enable an easier interaction. We have to realize that this may not always get a good conversation going as some people, no matter how hard you try, will never be impressed. It’s always worth making an effort on a first date, because you never know, they may have a friend that’s a better fit for you? It may tell us that this person has expectations that are too achievable, or that they simply aren’t into the things that you have to show them.
Most people, even if they don’t have the exact same hobbies or areas of interest as you, will feel attracted to or at the very least appreciate someone for making an effort. When we show interest in what someone has to say, it makes them feel good and think well of you. This can be a great first step in getting the attraction started.
Some of the things you can do to get conversation rolling on a first date include:
1) Take a deep breath before your date gets started and don’t forget to breathe throughout.
2) Notice your pace of conversation. Make sure it matches your date. If you’re too fast, slow down…too slow, speed up.
3) Don’t try to build Rome in a day. You don’t have to get every detail of a conversation in there. You can just share a piece of conversation and if it’s really interesting revisit on another date.
4) No matter how intense you are, try and keep it light.
5) Share a piece of information that reveals something about yourself, without giving it all away.
6) Share a story about something that made you feel excited or uplifted.
7) Talk about how your friends experience you.
8) Share cute stories about what you did as a kid.
9) Share cute stories about your friends’ kids, or your nieces and nephews.
10) Don’t expect the other person to provide the entertainment unless you have prepared as well.
By following these simple ideas you should be well on your way to being able to get a conversation rolling on every date.
If you still find first date conversations daunting, drop me a line and let me know how I can help: [email protected].
What was the first shadchan thinking?
Shadchans set people up in one of two ways. Either they do this with wanton abandon. Throwing a guy and a girl together because they have some haphazard things in common and, “heck, she’s a girl and he’s a boy.” Or they do tons of research and only set people up when they feel they have a level above a certain threshold in common.
In Parshat Chaye Sarah, the shadchan in the story, Eliezer, is nervous about setting up yitzchak and getting it right. He asks lots of questions about how to know he’s found the one.
It seems that at the start Eliezer very much favors the second more scientific approach to setting people up. He seems so particular about finding just the right one.
But when he’s on the ground doing his field work, everything changes. He seems to throw all caution to the wind and without even trying to start the task. He says to himself the next girl that offers my camels a drink will marry him!
What is going on here?!
Imagine J-Date suddenly abandoned their algorithm and instead put you together with the next person who logs in.
One interpretation is that Eliezer felt he was looking in the right ball park. Meaning, he knew the general location was a good one for finding good women who were appropriate for Yitzchak.
In terms of the choice criteria, offering a drink, Eliezer knew the act of giving is such an essential part of a successful relationship. As long as that element was there, it was enough for him to feel confident he chose a winner.
We often get bogged down by things we think we need from a partner. A good job, good looks, good family, etc.
Sometimes we get so thrown off by people’s insignificant details (arriving a bit late for a date, not saying the exact right thing, not wearing the right thing, ordering the wrong thing) that we miss the essential ingredients that make for a great partnership. Like their ability to give and receive.
It’s interesting that Avraham embodies the midah of chessed and Yitzchak embodies the midah of gevurah. Chessed is about giving and Gevurah is about receiving.
By combining these two midot we have the potential to create the perfect dynamic.
Getting the balance right is a challenge. While deep down we know we want a good give and take balance in our relationship, yet often it seems so obvious that we overlook it.
In the book, “Women who love too much” Robin Norwood addresses women who are very good at forgetting about their needs and give so much to a relationship, there is literally no space for anyone else to give.
These are women (and this goes for men too btw) who were abused or neglected as children and believed the only way for them to receive love is if they behave well and do everything right.
They were never taught by their parents how to give and receive and find a happy balance.
For people who were abused, receiving feels scary and weird because it’s foreign to them. When they date a kind man, who can give, they run a mile. The only kind of person they can feel attracted to is the one model they have of love, an abusive or neglectful one.
If you can relate to being attracted to partners who are either abusive or neglectful, drop me a line and tell me what you would like to do differently in your relationships to get the give and take balance right. Check out my website: www.mickilavinpell.co.il