A Sukkot Reflection about Relationships
Sukkot is a holiday where we step out of our comfortable homes and into the fragility of a sukkah, embracing the elements of nature—the wind, the cold, and sometimes even the rain. It’s a powerful metaphor for relationships, teaching us that true connection comes when we leave behind the walls we construct around ourselves and allow the uncomfortable exposure to create space for growth.
In a world where we often seek control and stability, Sukkot reminds us that there’s strength in surrendering to vulnerability. Much like sitting in a sukkah exposed to the outside world, being in a relationship means allowing someone to see your imperfections and share in your fears. It’s not always easy, but it’s through embracing this discomfort that we uncover deeper truths about ourselves and each other.
This Sukkot, try Sharing a Personal Story: Just as the sukkah opens itself up to the world, consider sharing something personal with your partner—a story about your past or a challenge you’ve faced. Vulnerability is an invitation to deeper understanding. For example, you might say, “I don’t usually talk about this, but I want you to know…” Opening up creates space for your partner to be open in return.
When we build our “sukkah” in a relationship, we have to be intentional about how we construct it. Are we setting up shaky walls of pretense, or are we building with the open honesty that will let light and warmth in? Relationships thrive when we take the risk to show our true selves—our joys, our insecurities, and even our uncertainties. It’s in that openness, just like in the sukkah, that we find genuine security, one that is built on trust rather than illusion.
This Sukkot, try Allowing Your Partner to Support You: We often try to handle everything on our own, but just as we trust the sukkah to shelter us, we need to trust our partners to support us. Next time you’re feeling overwhelmed, ask for help. Whether it’s emotional support or help with a task, showing that you can rely on them builds trust. For instance, if you’ve had a rough day, say, “I’m feeling really stressed. Could you help me figure this out?”
Sukkot also teaches us that we don’t need perfect conditions to experience joy. We might feel a breeze through the sukkah or hear a storm in the distance, but the celebration continues because we’ve learned to find beauty in the impermanent. Similarly, relationships aren’t always about perfection or avoiding conflict, but about learning to weather the storms together, knowing that each challenge brings you closer and strengthens your bond.
This Sukkot, try Celebrating the Small Wins: Just as we celebrate in the sukkah despite imperfect conditions, take time to celebrate small successes in your relationship. Did you navigate a tough conversation with grace? Did your partner support you in an unexpected way? Acknowledging these moments brings more joy into the relationship and shows that, like the sukkah, it’s the simple, authentic moments that matter.
So, as you reflect on your relationships this Sukkot, ask yourself: What walls have you built to protect yourself, and are they keeping you from deeper connection? Can you step out into the vulnerability and trust that, just like the sukkah, there’s strength in letting go and embracing the unknown?
Cheshbon HaRelationships
*Cheshbon hanefesh*—an accounting of the soul—is a key practice during Elul, a time dedicated to self-reflection and spiritual growth. We use this period to look back on our past actions, assess how we’ve lived over the past year, and set intentions for the year ahead. But this year, why not expand that sacred practice to include your past relationships—what I’m calling a “Cheshbon HaRelationships”? Elul gives us the perfect opportunity to reflect with intention on how our relationships, especially romantic ones, have shaped us. By engaging in this reflection, you can transform past experiences into powerful lessons that help guide you toward deeper self-awareness and healthier future connections.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of seeing past relationships that didn’t last as a waste—wasted time, money, and emotional energy. But Elul reminds us that we have the power to reframe those experiences. They’re only a waste if we let them be. Instead, I invite you to take some time this Elul to do some productive introspection. Light a candle, put on some music, and dedicate a quiet moment to reflect on your romantic past. To help guide you, I’ve broken this *cheshbon* into three main areas:
- What Did You Learn About Them?
Every person you’ve been in a relationship with has left an imprint on you. Even if the relationship didn’t last, there were moments of insight and lessons learned. Think back to each person—what strengths did they have that you admired? Maybe one was incredibly patient, and you found yourself drawn to their calm presence. Perhaps another was great at expressing their needs or had a passion that made you reflect on your own values.
By acknowledging their strengths, you not only honor what attracted you to them, but you also start to identify qualities you might want to develop in yourself or look for in a future partner.
Ask yourself:
– What’s one strength this person had that I don’t?
– How did their qualities shape my understanding of what I value in a partner?
– What did I admire most about them, and how can I integrate that into my life?
- What Did You Learn About Yourself?
Relationships act as mirrors, reflecting back who we are—sometimes in ways we don’t expect. Maybe you learned that you tend to shut down in conflict, or that you have a habit of not communicating your needs clearly. These insights can be uncomfortable, but they’re also essential for growth.
Elul invites us to look inward and ask hard questions about how we show up in our relationships. Did a past relationship bring out the best in you, or did it reveal behaviors you want to change? Recognizing these patterns helps you grow and prepares you for healthier, more fulfilling relationships in the future.
Ask yourself:
– What did this relationship teach me about myself?
– How did I handle conflict or communication in this relationship?
– What personal qualities or habits do I want to improve based on what I learned?
- What Did You Learn About Your Relationship Patterns?
Now, step back and look at the bigger picture. Do you notice any recurring themes in your relationships? Are you consistently drawn to a certain type of person, or do you find yourself facing the same challenges in each relationship? Recognizing these patterns is key to breaking free from cycles that no longer serve you.
Perhaps you’ve been attracted to emotionally unavailable partners, or maybe you tend to lose your voice in relationships, prioritizing their needs over your own. Elul gives you the chance to break these patterns and create new ones that are healthier and more aligned with what you want for your future.
Ask yourself:
– What relationship patterns do I notice across different partners?
– What dynamics keep repeating, and how can I address them?
– How can I break old patterns and cultivate healthier ones in my future relationships?
By taking ownership of your past experiences, you empower yourself to enter the new year with clarity, purpose, and the wisdom gained from your relationships. Instead of lamenting time lost, recognize the lessons you’ve learned, and move forward with hope for deeper love and connection.
May the insights you gain from this *Cheshbon HaRelationships* bring you closer to the meaningful, fulfilling relationships you seek in the year ahead.
Using the Month of Elul to Strengthen Ourselves and Our Relationships
Elul is a time of deep reflection, a spiritual opportunity to return to our best selves before Rosh Hashanah. Traditionally, we use this month to assess our relationship with Hashem, but it’s also a powerful time to assess the relationships in our lives—with family, friends, and significant others.
When we reflect on teshuva (repentance), it’s not just about admitting past mistakes—it’s about committing to growth and improvement. As Hasidic master Rav Tzadok HaKohen of Lublin is quoted as saying, “Teshuva is 1% about the past, and 99% about the future.” The same applies to our relationships—and even more so, to our personal growth. Working on ourselves during Elul opens the door to finding a partner who will grow with us into the future.
1. Honest Self-Reflection
Elul is about taking stock of where we are. In our relationships, this means checking in with ourselves. Are we holding onto old grudges? Carrying unrealistic expectations? Elul encourages us to let go of what weighs us down. Reflect on how your own patterns of behavior—perhaps rooted in past experiences—impact your current relationships. By doing this work, we not only improve our current connections but also prepare ourselves to find a partner with whom we can build a meaningful future.
2. Embracing Vulnerability
During Elul, we ask for forgiveness not only from Hashem but also from each other. This is an ideal time to practice vulnerability. Admitting where we’ve gone wrong requires humility, but it’s through this that true growth happens. Opening up to our partner—or even to ourselves—about our fears and insecurities allows us to create a deeper, more authentic connection. The more we embrace vulnerability, the more ready we are for a partner who can meet us at that same level of emotional honesty.
3. Strengthening Our Communication
This is the time to listen—not just to the shofar blasts that call us to attention, but to the people in our lives. The Rambam explains that the shofar is meant to wake us from our spiritual slumber. Can we apply this message to our relationships? Sometimes we get caught in routines, taking our loved ones for granted. Elul is our reminder to wake up, not only in our current relationships but also in preparing ourselves for future ones. By improving communication and being more present, we cultivate skills that will help us connect more deeply with a future partner.
4. Working on Our Middot (Character Traits)
Just as we work on middot like patience, kindness, and humility in our spiritual lives, these traits are crucial in building healthy relationships. Elul gives us the chance to focus on improving these qualities, knowing that the work we do now will shape our future. The person we become during this time will help us attract the kind of partner who values growth and mutual support. By cultivating positive middot, we set the stage for a future relationship rooted in respect, love, and shared values.
As we prepare ourselves spiritually during Elul, let’s also use this time to elevate our relationships—present and future. The personal work we do today is an investment in a brighter, more connected future, both with Hashem and with a partner who is aligned with our growth. By the time Rosh Hashanah arrives, may we not only feel more aligned with our values but also more prepared to find and build a meaningful relationship with someone who shares them.
The Best You Can Be: A Relationship Lesson from Simone Biles
(image credit: depositphotos)
Have you ever felt overwhelmed by the need to be perfect in your relationship, constantly trying to meet your partner’s expectations while concealing your own struggles? Watching the Olympics with my family got me thinking – how do Olympians do it? The immense pressure, tremendous expectations, all while exuding this aura of being superhuman? Listening to American Gymnast, Simone Biles’s provided me with some insight:
Despite an apparent injury, Biles competed with her characteristic excellence, leaving us not only in awe of her athletic prowess but also inspired by her approach to challenges. Her journey provides valuable lessons not just for athletes, but for anyone striving to build healthier relationships with themselves and others .
When asked if she was okay after the injury, Biles replied, “Yup! As good as I can be.” This simple response carries a powerful message: all we can expect of ourselves is to be the best we can be. This mindset is not only crucial in sports but is also a cornerstone for successful relationships. Being our best selves involves showing up authentically: being honest about our limits and capabilities.
In 2021, Simone Biles made headlines by withdrawing from competition to prioritize her mental and physical health, a decision some criticized as quitting but which was actually a profound act of self-care and self-awareness. By choosing her long-term well-being over short-term performance, Biles demonstrated the importance of stepping back to prevent burnout and stay engaged with our partners. This was during the COVID-19 pandemic, where the absence of her family significantly impacted her mental health, highlighting the crucial need to recognize and address the lack of a support system. This situation underscores the importance of acknowledging when support is missing and seeking help, as well as the value of understanding and communication in relationships to navigate challenges effectively.
Fast forward to 2024, Biles’ decision to discuss how she views the limits to her performance because of her injury further showcases her courage to be vulnerable. Biles is a woman in tune with when it is appropriate and inappropriate to push herself. What was the right choice for her in 2021, looked different this time around. In both she was able to put others’ expectations for her to the side, and focus on being “as good as I can be”. In relationships, embracing our vulnerabilities can strengthen our bonds. It allows us to be authentic, express our fears and weaknesses, and seek and offer support. Biles faced immense pressure but understood that the only person she needed to answer to was herself.
So, how does this translate to our everyday relationships? Reflect on when you last allowed yourself to be vulnerable with your partner and whether you create a safe space for them to share their own vulnerabilities. Consider if it’s time to revisit opportunities you’ve previously avoided or if you’re overextending yourself, as sometimes our commitments to others prevent us from being honest about our limits. Simone Biles teaches us that true balance comes from being forgiving with ourselves. We can all learn from Simone’s approach: strive to do your best, embrace your vulnerabilities, and foster a safe space for yourself and others. By doing so, you’ll build deeper connections and navigate your relationships with greater empathy and understanding. Biles’ journey reminds us that real strength lies in being in tune with ourselves, both in our personal achievements and in our relationships.
A Different Kind of Debate
Following the recent presidential debate, I was struck by the nature of conflict presented on stage. As someone who frequently navigates conflicts with clients, the debate epitomized the art of arguing with words. This spectacle got me thinking about what we can and can’t learn from these intense exchanges, strategies, and emotional undertones that permeate the conversation.
Presidential debates are inherently adversarial, designed to highlight differences and showcase a candidate’s ability to “win” an argument. In relationships, however, the goal should be resolution and understanding, not victory. Viewing conflicts as competitions to be won can foster resentment and drive a wedge between partners. Remember, it’s not you vs. them; it’s both of you vs. the problem. Instead of focusing on winning an argument, approach conflicts in a collaborative spirit, not combative. This is an opportunity to find a solution together.
Debates often prioritize quick, impactful sound bites over deep, meaningful dialogue. This approach can be detrimental in relationships, where meaningful communication is essential. Partners need time to express themselves fully and to understand each other’s perspectives without being interrupted or sidelined. Value holding your tongue, allowing the other person to finish speaking. If you feel the need to cool down – your not on the clock, and there’s no audience you need to impress- take all the time you need. Instead of interrupting or rushing to respond, try listening fully and reflecting back what you’ve heard before sharing your own thoughts.
The performative nature of debates—where candidates play to the audience—can mislead us into thinking that grand gestures and rhetorical prowess are what matter most. In reality, the subtleties of communication, such as tone, body language, and empathy, play a crucial role in private interactions. The way we express ourselves and the non-verbal cues we give off can significantly impact how our message is received. Instead of focusing on making a point dramatically, try speaking calmly and using body language that conveys openness and understanding.
“Debates” or the occasional argument provide a positive outlet in both the political and private sphere. In politics, debates allow candidates to outline their policies and visions clearly. Similarly, in relationships, having open discussions where each partner can freely express what’s on their mind is vital for mutual understanding and growth.
Ultimately, while the style and substance of political debates can offer insights into effective communication, they are not a one-size-fits-all model for personal relationships. The key takeaway is to prioritize empathy, active listening, and genuine validation over competition or point-scoring. By fostering a collaborative environment where both partners feel safe to express themselves openly and honestly, relationships can become more resilient and fulfilling. Embracing these principles helps ensure that conflicts are resolved in a way that strengthens the bond rather than fraying it. In matters of the heart, it’s best to leave the debating to the politicians and keep the filibustering out of the living room!
The Fear of Leading Someone On
The Fear of Leading Someone On
Imagine you’re dating someone new. You enjoy their company, but you’re not sure if it’s love or just a friendly connection. The fear of leading them on starts to creep in—what if they think this is more serious than it is? What if you end up hurting them? This fear of “leading someone on”, rooted in empathy and a desire to be honest, can lead to feeling pressured to end the relationship before you’re actually certain there’s an issue.
While healthy relationships necessitate consideration of the other person’s feelings, getting a handle on this anxiety necessitates a shift in focus inward. Instead of trying to anticipate the other person’s emotions, ask yourself if you’ve taken the time to properly try and assess your own.
When you are overly focused on how others may be feeling, you forget to check in with yourself. As tempting as it is to try and interpret the inner workings of your date and their perceived expectations, it is not only unproductive but can be an effort in futility. Ask yourself if your own feelings are as transparent as you assume theirs to be. You yourself are unsure; can’t they be as well? Don’t assume you’re the only one who needs more time or clarity. Embrace the dating process for what it is – an opportunity to further get to know yourself and someone else. That’s it.
Next time you find yourself panicking about the “messages you’re sending” or how you feel your date has perceived you, turn the question around to the only person you can really answer for- yourself.
Try asking yourself the following questions:
– Am I enjoying my time with this person?
– Do I feel comfortable and authentic in this relationship?
– What do I need to feel more secure or clear about my feelings?
You can never fully know what’s going on in someone else’s mind, and even if you could, allow them the space to be inconsistent and unclear that you wish you had. They may be feeling just as unsure and in need of more time to get to know you as you do. By not taking responsibility for the other person’s emotions, you relieve yourself of unnecessary pressure and stress. This doesn’t mean being indifferent to their feelings; it’s about acknowledging that their emotions are influenced by many factors beyond your control.
Feeling unsure is a natural part of dating, allow yourself to trust the process. Feelings of uncertainty and confusion will come, expect them and embrace them as a sign that you need to invest more in getting to know this person, not less. You owe it to yourself and the other person to explore the connection fully, without prematurely ending things out of fear.
While it’s natural to try to understand those around you, it’s more productive to accept that the only feelings you can fully manage are your own. You might think you’re protecting the other person by ending things early, but in doing so, you may be doing a disservice to both yourself and your potential date. Each of you deserves the full commitment to see the relationship through.
You don’t want to panic and exit prematurely, but you also don’t want to overinvest in a relationship you will ultimately walk away from. Be honest and open about your uncertainties and communicate what you can. In the efforts to insist on understanding how your date feels, you deny yourself the opportunity to give yourself the time and space to understand how you feel. Believe me, the most sensitive way to respect the other’s feelings is by valuing your own enough to explore where they lead.
Bashert: Embracing Destiny
Bashert: Embracing Destiny
In Jewish tradition, “bashert” refers to one’s destined soulmate, the person meant to be their life partner. While many view bashert as a mystical or predestined connection, it’s equally significant to approach it as a state of mind—one that shapes our attitudes, choices, and experiences in dating.
Bashert isn’t just about finding the right person; it’s about becoming the right person. The passive search for a soulmate transforms into an active engagement with dynamic growth. By intentionally cultivating our character, values, and intentions, we align ourselves more closely with the qualities we seek in a partner. Every experience has the potential to propel us further in our journey to become who we are destined to be—bashert. However, this development requires a deliberate effort to internalize our experiences as part of our growth. Expanding the concept of bashert to encompass a broader perspective on life helps transition from feeling like a victim of life’s inevitable hurdles to feeling energized and empowered to embrace the lessons it offers.
This is especially important in dating, which often feels characterized by a sense of helplessness—condemned to search in vain until our “bashert” stumbles across us. This attitude is both draining and limiting. Accepting bashert as a mindset—that everything that happens to us is part of our larger destiny, infuses this chapter of your life with agency, transforming the most painful encounters into invaluable moments of self-development.
Reframe your relationship experiences with this understanding. A difficult breakup taught you self-compassion and revealed inner fortitude you didn’t know you had. Hard looks in the mirror and late-night reflections prompted important introspection, leaving you with a clearer self-image. A disappointing first date was neither a failure nor a waste of time, but an opportunity to build empathy and understand another perspective. Each of these experiences become integral to who you are only when you choose to accept them as important parts of your story, ones that shaped you into who you are today – someone who’s potential has been that much more developed. In the present, every interaction can serve as a tool for growth, bringing you closer to the person you have the ability to become should you let it—this is bashert.
Accepting bashert as a state of mind allows this attitude to permeate other aspects of our lives beyond relationships, leading to more holistic personal development. See every experience as an opportunity uniquely destined for you, enriching your journey and making life both more exciting and purposeful.
Bashert is more than a predetermined outcome; it’s an attitude of intentionality, faith, and personal development. By embodying this mindset, we enhance our chances of finding not just any partner, but the one who complements and completes us in the most profound ways, as well as make the journey there that much more meaningful.
What is The Obsession With “Relationship Readiness”?
What is The Obsession With “Relationship Readiness”?
“Relationship Ready”—a phrase as rampant as it is elusive. From viral quizzes to countless articles, the quest to determine our readiness for love captivates millions. In a recent survey I conducted with a few dozen young adults about what they would like to know more about in the realm of relationships, over 70% (23/30) identified “how to know if I’m ready for a relationship” as one of their top interests, more than any other option I had offered.
So what is this fixation on being “ready”? Perhaps we have been conditioned to believe that personal growth and development must precede partnership—after all, how can you know what you want if you’re unsure of who you are? Sounds reasonable. And yet, the phrase “relationship readiness” is a modern one, exploding only around the last few decades as a cultural fascination.
Once upon a time, relationships were seen as crucibles of growth, where discovery unfolded through shared experiences rather than solitary introspection. All relationships- irrespective of romance or even health, will by definition involve personal growth, and will be where you uncover your strengths, weaknesses, and preferences. It’s in the dance of interaction, the ebb and flow of emotions, that we truly learn about ourselves and our readiness for deeper connections.
Sure, it’s possible to be not ready—such as having histories of being unable to prioritize others’ needs or maintain healthy connections. Yet, the criteria often touted online—like self-love mastery or unyielding emotional availability—oversimplify a nuanced reality.
Take, for instance, the apparent prerequisite to “be happy with who you are.” While tying your happiness and confidence to the validation of a partner is dangerous, I don’t know a single person who has successfully rid themselves of every insecurity. And positive feedback and validation from a supportive partner can be fruitful in the self-acceptance department. Self-acceptance should be something we work on, but like the next most popular bit of advice—“effective communication”—it isn’t a fixed skill, but a journey of learning and adaptation.
Similarly, “emotional availability” deepens with trust, evolving over time rather than being a prerequisite set in stone. I would hardly diagnose someone who can’t immediately imagine becoming totally vulnerable with a first date as “emotionally unavailable,” even if that feeling persists a bit further into the relationship. For many, emotional availability runs parallel to emotional intimacy, so assessing this while still single is futile.
Another popular one, “knowing your boundaries,” is indeed important. But it is not more important than reminding yourself that boundaries will and should shift and evolve as trust and intimacy grow. What remains truly constant is the need for thoughtful negotiation and mutual respect.
Finally, the “you must be able to clearly articulate your values and goals.” This is true; any mature individual, irrespective of considering a relationship, should be attempting this. Have your non-negotiables, but leave room for the rest of your goals and values to be impacted by someone else’s presence in your life. Someone who is worthy of your respect and admiration, who causes you to reconsider things you may have once felt were black and white. These lists are helpful, but write them in pencil, not in pen. Relationships often reveal new dimensions of ourselves; be prepared for your priorities and values to shift.
Consider driving. Like a relationship, the capabilities of the person (or two) in the driver’s seat will make driving either life-changing or cataclysmic. While no metaphor can truly reflect the emotional complexity of relationships, much like driving, relationships are a skill. Refusing to get into the driver’s seat until we can be promised that we won’t crash won’t make us better drivers, but it will ensure we will never be any closer to that coveted “readiness”.
Readiness for a relationship isn’t a static state achieved through checkboxes; it’s a dynamic process of self-discovery and mutual exploration. While it’s wise to prepare oneself for the journey of love, let’s not forget that the journey itself holds the potential to shape and refine us. Embrace the unknown, invite growth, and allow the relationships in your life to teach you as much as you teach yourself.
What if “readiness” is less about establishing the things about you that you insist won’t change and more about opening yourself up to the possibility that parts of you should and will? Consider the transformative power a healthy relationship has the potential to bestow. Even in the messier side of relationships- it is often there that we find the most profound insights about ourselves and our capacity to love.
Instead of focusing on achieving perfection before love, what if we embraced the journey of becoming, together?
The Soldier’s Dilemma: Split Loyalties – Maintaining Relationships from the Front
The Soldier’s Dilemma: Split Loyalties – Maintaining Relationships from the Front
Getting that call up, receiving your Tzav 8 – while maybe an honor and something you wouldn’t trade for the world, the call of duty is a heavy load. At the times when gunfire fades into the background and the dust settles, you are allowed some headspace to lament over the struggle of balancing your commitment to your country with the cost to your loved ones.
Coming home feels like stepping into a different universe. But both on the front lines and back at home, you’re grappling with a whirlwind of emotions. The guilt of not being able to be the ever-present partner you would like to be can eat away at you. On the flipside, the horrors of the battlefield can leave you emotionally distant, struggling to connect with your loved ones when you have the chance. On top of all this, you may battle with feelings of isolation, knowing that your experiences are impossible to fully convey to those who haven’t walked in your shoes.
Whether your relationship is just getting off the ground or decades old, insufficient and infrequent communication can leave you feeling as if you’re starting from scratch every conversation. Instead of enjoying the support and comfort of a secure relationship during a difficult time, you can only find the time to worry about damage control.
Here are some strategies for bridging this gap:
– Realistic Expectations: Insisting on maintaining a sense of “normalcy” at home during wartime does no favors to anyone. Accept that there is a new normal for now, and give yourself grace in navigating what that entails. You can’t always be fully present, but this new reality is temporary. It too shall pass. For now, your best is more than enough.
– Refocusing on Gratitude: Frustrations about circumstances beyond our control are the most natural things in the world- but they’re not productive. Challenge yourself to counter every frustration about what could have been if not for the war with an attitude of gratitude. Recognize the blessings in your life, including having a partner to navigate this journey with, even if it is not always simple. You will love, you will lose, you will disappoint and be disappointed. Relationships can be messy, but they remind us of our humanity. By forcing your frustrations through this lens of gratitude, you will find more room in your heart for the complexity of it all.
– Reframing: Every sacrifice made in service to your country contributes to a better future for your loved ones as well, solidifying the bonds that hold you together. This is not a time when your relationship is “on pause”, rather it is a period where the investments you make in your future together look a little different.
– Find Someone To Talk To: If there are experiences or thoughts you feel unable to share with your partner, find someone else to confide in. Don’t insist that everything is fine, it’s not. That doesn’t mean you owe your partner conversations you don’t feel would be helpful to have. But whenever possible, keep your partner in the loop. Let them know that you are prioritizing your own mental well being even if parts of that don’t always include them. Secrets or hidden feelings are an additional stress neither of you need right now.
– Be Open About Your Needs: Don’t push yourself to stick to plans or commitments if
you’re not feeling up to it. The biggest gift you can give your partner is being open about where you stand and how you’re coping. This fosters a sense of security in the relationship, making them feel trusted and the relationship stable, even if quality time looks different than it did before the war.
– Spiritual Connection: Knowing that Hashem is above you can give you a feeling of being held. Knowing that you aren’t in control can help you to let go and not feel the need to be in the driver’s seat. Embrace the fact that both you and your partner are dedicating yourselves to causes and beliefs that you share.
While your circumstances are uncertain and beyond your control, your relationship doesn’t have to be. As a nation, we are all behind you and deeply indebted to the sacrifices made on our behalf. These strategies are here to help make sure your relationship with the ones that matter most isn’t one of them.
Does Love Really Conquer All? Navigating the Challenges of a Partner on the Front Lines
Does Love Really Conquer All? Navigating the Challenges of a Partner on the Front Lines
Pop culture loves to romanticize the idea of heartfelt letters sent to partners at war and tokens of love carried in helmets and boots. But after eight months in this new reality, we know it’s far from glamorous.
Let’s be real – maintaining a normal routine can seem impossible when every alert on your phone or knock on the door sends your heart rate through the roof. While your partner is away and in danger, your days at home feel like a never-ending anxiety marathon. Sleep? What’s that? Eating? Only if stress counts as a food group.
You may feel like you’re living on a different planet from everyone else, pulling away from friends and family who just don’t get it. The guilt of enjoying anything while someone you care for is in harm’s way might make you ditch activities you once loved. And the relationship? It can feel like you’re stuck in a perpetual long-distance limbo, constantly hitting the reset button. Frustration is natural when your partner can’t be there for you, even though you understand why.
Supporting a partner in the military requires immense patience and compassion, which can be draining alongside maintaining a normal routine without their help. Here are some common obstacles to be aware of:
– Trauma: A soldier may overshare, leaving you overwhelmed, or undershare, leaving you both feeling disconnected.
– Compassion Burnout: The relationship can start to feel like a one sided game of emotional tug-of-war – one partner pulling all the emotional weight, while the other may barely have the strength to hold on to the rope. The imbalance long term will make the former feel exhausted and unsupported, no matter how much you may accept the crazy nature of the circumstances.
– Disjointed Communication: You may seek support elsewhere, in the efforts to not add anything more to the plate of your partner. Conversely, your soldier may do the same in efforts to avoid burdening you with even more emotional baggage. Both of you think you’re helping, but this can be misinterpreted as a lack of interest or reliability. In reality, it deprives you both of the opportunity to support each other during a difficult time, creating even more tension than what you were trying to avoid.
Throughout these serious challenges, you’ve made it this far together, and that’s no small feat. Here are some strategies to help strengthen that momentum:
– Let Your Soldier Be There For You: Keep the relationship warm by letting your partner support you in small ways. Resist the idea that now isn’t the time to express your needs or worries. Sure, now is the time to be be more understanding of your partner’s imperfections, but expressing your concerns about things your partner can reasonably do differently to better support you creates opportunities for reassurance and connection. This keeps the relationship warm and loving.
– Regaining Control: Any sense of control you can muster will make coping easier. Approach your days with the intention of accepting the limitations on communication and connection, rather than resigning to them. Make the decision to use time apart as productively and positively as you can manage. Assume your partner is safe unless you hear otherwise. Limit news consumption by setting specific times for updates. Engage in
calming activities when overwhelmed, like exercising or cooking, to regain a sense of control.
– Seek Support: It’s a mistake to think that matching your partner’s heroics means that you need to do this alone. Don’t wait until you’re breaking down to seek support from friends, family, and a therapist. This is a rational, mature decision that is done in the service of your ability to be healthy and functional.
– Practice Self Care: Eat well, exercise, and do things that bring you joy. Maintain your ability to be present and productive in your daily routines. It may feel uncomfortable to attempt and enjoy yourself while others who are dear to you cannot. But it is no service to anyone if you’re running on empty. Do what you need to maintain your ability to support yourself and others, see self-care as part of your service.
– Spiritual Connection: Knowing that Hashem is above you can give you a feeling of being held. Knowing that you aren’t in control can help you to let go and not feel the need to be in the driver’s seat.
Hollywood often paints war and trauma as experiences that strengthen relationships, but we understand that reality is more complex. It’s okay if this time doesn’t automatically deepen your bond. However, it can still be a period of growth for your relationship, albeit in unexpected ways. Redefining your limits, and embracing newfound flexibility and empathy are all extraordinarily difficult, but they are the things that will enable you to navigate this challenging time together. By supporting each other and nurturing yourselves both as individuals and as partners, you can emerge stronger and more connected than ever before.