Getting the Delicate Balance between Giving and Taking in Relationships Right
Shoshana was furious that her boyfriend seemed to be much more giving to his friends than to her. Her boyfriend Moshe bought his friends tickets to the football, and often bought his friends gifts. Moshe found it difficult to give to his girlfriend because he saw her as an extension of himself. He wasn’t used to receiving from his parents, as he often felt like an after-thought. As much as he wanted to give to her, he was overly focused on what she was doing or not doing for him. It was as though he was only giving as an exchange for something else. They got into a difficult dynamic whereby no one wanted to budge on the giving and receiving.
What makes giving difficult?
We can’t give if we haven’t been on the receiving end. If we have a difficult time trusting that giving is coming from a good place. That our partner isn’t out to get us. That their intentions are well founded.
When we make giving an accounting act, it turns the relationship into a chess game where each one waits for the other to make a move.
It is also difficult to give, if we can’t receive. It is hard for us to understand why the other person needs to receive if we don’t have that same need.
The giving and receiving dynamic is an important one to get right from the beginning. Generosity is a quality that makes people feel nurtured and held. By withholding, each becomes suspicious of one an others intentions which stops them from feeling comfortable and safe in the relationship.
What it means to balance giving and taking
-Not taking account of whose turn it is to give
-Focus on what you can give and how this fits in with what your partner needs from you to feel safe
-Making sure that you can also receive and that when you do, this is done wholeheartedly
-Ensure that there is a strong culture of giving and receiving beyond material objects – more emotionally and physically
A great book that can help with this is the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. He explains all of the ways that we give enjoy giving and receiving love.
Send me an email and let me know i you find giving or receiving more difficult: [email protected].
Let Hope Get You Out of the Dating Slump
Increasing our feelings of hope by doing what we love and shifting our attitude about dating is the best way to overcome our dating slump.
Do You Have to Kill Your Fantasies and Settle to Get Married?
We were all raised on beautiful, fairy tale fantasies. Where the Prince marries the gorgeous girl and they live happily ever after. They ride into the red and orange haloed sunset on a white stallion with a magnificent, towering castle in the background which promises only joy and prosperity. How many couples try and recreate this fairy tale fantasy on their wedding day and in their lives? We all want to live happily ever after. That’s why the fairy tales are reproduced again and again in our theaters. They feed into our fantasy of the way our life should be. Of the way our partner should be; the shining Prince with a sky high bank balance and a six pack to match; the magnificent woman of Barbie proportions with the benevolence of Mother Teresa.
How Do You Create the Dating Wow Factor?
Many people complain that they find their dates boring. No “Wow Factor”…“He/She has nothing interesting to share with me…He/she has no hobbies or interests…He/She talks about their parents and siblings all the time.” My question is,” What are we really waiting for? What makes any of us feel the big WOW?”
We live in a time, where it takes a lot more for us to feel the wow sensation, because we have seen/done it all. Waiting for the “wow factor” to kick in for us on a date, is a bit like waiting for Godot… it isn’t really going to come on it’s own… unless we do something to make it appear.
This may sound trite, but what if we all started to consider how we can be responsible for the wow factor on the date? What if we made it our job to create some sort of wow effect? What would we do? What could we say? How could we look? How would it happen?
How does placing the “Wow” onus on ourselves change things around? When we know how hard it is to create this effect, it makes us feel more sympathetic towards our dates. It also makes us expect less from others, which means we put less pressure on them. Can we actually create more excitement in the person we are with because now they feel the “wow” emanating from us?
For the next date we go on, let us choose one thing to make the person we are with feel “wow,” and see how that changes the date…Email me and let me know how it goes: [email protected].