Is Jealousy Stealing your Chance for Love?
For some of us, jealousy and pain rear its ugly green eyes when we see someone we know jump with joy as they get engaged. We want to feel happy for other people’s joy, but sometimes it sits on our own insecurities. It heightens our fears about not achieving what others have. It makes us wonder whether we can have that too.
Jealousy is the kind of pain I very much relate too. Who hasn’t?
Shirley, a client, admitted to me that jealousy is all too real for her as she’s been dating for nearly 10+years. She’s on every Jewish dating site known to man. She’s not picky when it comes to going on dates (she described the level to which she’s willing to be open to someone new) and she attends lots of events. She’s out there doing it all!
“So why isn’t it happening for me?” she says. How much do I have to do already to make it happen?
Shirley’s experience with jealousy is far from unique. It’s a painful story I come across regularly…
The thing that’s particularly bothering Shirley, even more than dealing with jealousy and all that she is doing to partner up, is the fact that everyone else seems to find a partner so easily.
What REALLY goes through Shirley’s mind when she sees yet another friend get ENGAGED?
What Shirley’s really saying is, “I’m so scared I’ll be alone forever.”
Some of us go into panic mode as jealousy shoots through us when we see yet another friend get engaged.
For those of us trying to find love for sooooo long, when we see someone we know get engaged we feel further from rather than closer to finding love.
This is actually counter-intuitive and not helpful thinking. If there’s another guy off the market, then that’s one less guy you have to worry about dating, right?
Shirley, like many others, mistakenly feels that if someone else has him than he must be a good catch.
But if he was really meant for her, what stopped her from seeing him as a viable option before.
The real questions are:
- What’s stopping us from being able to see a good potential partner in all their glory while they’re single and available?
Some of us say we want to marry a nice person, but when that nice person actually comes along, we have doubts. We don’t believe they can really be that great, or we focus on their faults. We do this as a way of protecting ourselves from being with someone who may not be good for us. But in reality it only stops us from seeing possibilities.
We’ve been hurt before and we get scared that the good person will suddenly go bad. Like the others who came before them. So we test them to see how much crap they can take
The one’s with gumption, and self-worth disappear (and rightfully so) to find greener pastures.
Those who don’t value themselves and who are used to being used, taken advantage of or worse being abused, remain. Eventually we see them as weak, lose respect and leave.
Some of us, deep down, really don’t believe that we deserve to be treated that well. or
We tell ourselves the good one will get on our nerves over time. Rather than be able to feel rest assured that being treated well is a good thing, and notice and appreciate this is what we want. And gosh darn it, we deserve it!
- Why do some men (or women) only look good once they’re on someone else’s arm?
Some of us always believe the grass is always greener on someone else’s lawn. Or other people’s toys are better than our own.
For some reason we can’t allow ourselves to believe that when we see a good thing and get it, it’s actually good for us.
There’s something in our make-up that just won’t allow ourselves to be satisfied with Good Enough. So we wait for perfection, which of course never comes (because it doesn’t exist)!
Frustration and tension builds as we continue on our own.
The trick is to allow ourselves to be open to possibilities without compromising our values, or going against our own better judgement.
In this case Shirley believed there are a finite number of possibilities. The belief there are only a certain number of available men, and that she’s met them all, was locking her into a negative holding pattern.
Through relationship counselling Shirley soon discovered that what lay beneath these feelings was a lack of belief she was entitled to good things. She also needed to know there’s more than enough to go around.
Even though there might be a slight skew in numbers of available men and women in the world, things are constantly changing. People are constantly coming in and out of relationships. Some people take more time to mature than others. Change in the world is constant. And this means that possibilities for love are countless and endless.
The more we allow ourselves to feel worthy and alive, the more connected we feel to our inner selves. This then enables us to feel more confident that when we see someone else’s joy we can participate in it more fully. We can know that just as others can feel joy we can too!
Does jealousy or envy sometimes get in your way of love? I hear you loud and clear…Drop me a line and let me know about it…[email protected].
But I’m a Nice Frum Jew…How Can I Flirt?
Flirting may actually be a mitzvah, because it is that thing that may help you create a successful relationship!
What was the first shadchan thinking?
Shadchans set people up in one of two ways. Either they do this with wanton abandon. Throwing a guy and a girl together because they have some haphazard things in common and, “heck, she’s a girl and he’s a boy.” Or they do tons of research and only set people up when they feel they have a level above a certain threshold in common.
In Parshat Chaye Sarah, the shadchan in the story, Eliezer, is nervous about setting up yitzchak and getting it right. He asks lots of questions about how to know he’s found the one.
It seems that at the start Eliezer very much favors the second more scientific approach to setting people up. He seems so particular about finding just the right one.
But when he’s on the ground doing his field work, everything changes. He seems to throw all caution to the wind and without even trying to start the task. He says to himself the next girl that offers my camels a drink will marry him!
What is going on here?!
Imagine J-Date suddenly abandoned their algorithm and instead put you together with the next person who logs in.
One interpretation is that Eliezer felt he was looking in the right ball park. Meaning, he knew the general location was a good one for finding good women who were appropriate for Yitzchak.
In terms of the choice criteria, offering a drink, Eliezer knew the act of giving is such an essential part of a successful relationship. As long as that element was there, it was enough for him to feel confident he chose a winner.
We often get bogged down by things we think we need from a partner. A good job, good looks, good family, etc.
Sometimes we get so thrown off by people’s insignificant details (arriving a bit late for a date, not saying the exact right thing, not wearing the right thing, ordering the wrong thing) that we miss the essential ingredients that make for a great partnership. Like their ability to give and receive.
It’s interesting that Avraham embodies the midah of chessed and Yitzchak embodies the midah of gevurah. Chessed is about giving and Gevurah is about receiving.
By combining these two midot we have the potential to create the perfect dynamic.
Getting the balance right is a challenge. While deep down we know we want a good give and take balance in our relationship, yet often it seems so obvious that we overlook it.
In the book, “Women who love too much” Robin Norwood addresses women who are very good at forgetting about their needs and give so much to a relationship, there is literally no space for anyone else to give.
These are women (and this goes for men too btw) who were abused or neglected as children and believed the only way for them to receive love is if they behave well and do everything right.
They were never taught by their parents how to give and receive and find a happy balance.
For people who were abused, receiving feels scary and weird because it’s foreign to them. When they date a kind man, who can give, they run a mile. The only kind of person they can feel attracted to is the one model they have of love, an abusive or neglectful one.
If you can relate to being attracted to partners who are either abusive or neglectful, drop me a line and tell me what you would like to do differently in your relationships to get the give and take balance right. Check out my website: www.mickilavinpell.co.il
Can Love Wait til After the Chaggim?
In Israel this time of year, all anyone hears is that if you want something done, you have to wait until “acharei ha-chag”, or after the holidays. It’s as though all of life stands still until after the chaggim are over. A whole whopping month, knocked out of action!
The thing is there are some things you can’t put on hold, like finding or being in love.
Just this morning, I was on the way to meetings and had a million things to do, because after all Rosh Hashanna is just around the corner. My husband called to say he was in agony as he fell off his bike and landed on his right hand.
Suddenly, it felt like the world stopped. I had to make sure my husband was ok… so I ran to meet him at Terem (Jerusalem’s version of A&E) to be with him at his time of need.
Point is, as inconvenient as it was to put my life on hold at the craziest time of the year, being with him at his time of need trumped everything, because I love him…
Love isn’t always convenient. Many will tell you they found love when they were at the height of being crazy busy with things like work or exams, or when they really weren’t up for it. One client shared with me that she met her husband when she broke her leg on a ski trip (yep, he was the orthopedic surgeon).
The trick for all of us – those already in a relationship and those looking for love – is to be open enough to recognize when love is staring us in the face, so we don’t miss it.
While putting your dating or love life on hold until after the chaggim makes sense, it’s also a terrible idea. Because love is one of those emotions we just don’t have control over. Like when we choose to take our car in for a service, or collecting our check books from the bank, or returning our books to the library, or visiting a sick friend.
As it happens, especially if you’re in Israel, there are so many opportunities to meet new people. Meals, shul, parties, communal events are all great meeting places, that putting your search for love on hold at this time would be a missed opportunity.
Leaving some things to after the chag makes good sense, for example, a new project at work, a new hobby, even a New Year’s resolution, but not your search for love.
If you would like to make sure that this time next year, you are sitting beside the love of your life (but hopefully not in A&E), contact me so that I can help you overcome your relationship barriers and get your love life on track.
Get Your Emotional S#!% Together to Avoid a PLAYER…
A Player will say things to try and make you feel good, because he has his focus set on one thing, and I’m sorry but it isn’t winning your heart!
Great Date Expectations- What’s Allowed?
Everyone is looking for “THE ONE”. Looking for “THE ONE” means that you’re probably carrying around a list of what you expect from your dream partner. Someone good looking, smart, kind and of course some one who makes us laugh. Some of us have subconscious expectations that are getting in the way of making our relationship dreams a reality…
From the minute we enter this world we start creating a subconscious laundry list of partner expectations. Our list is influenced by the way we grow up. Watching Disney movies, fairy tales, and even witnessing our parent’s relationship, all influences how we think our partners should be. What most of us don’t realise is that there are so many subconscious, hidden expectations of our potential spouse, that we aren’t even aware of what they might exactly be.
When it comes to dating, making sure that we date someone who really matches our expectation level, in a realistic way, means being super clear with ourselves about how we want a relationship to look.
We need to be realistic about what we have to offer. We can’t expect to marry a super model when we look like Hulk’s brother. We need our expectations to be grounded in some form of reality. Is it a fair expectation for your dates to always be happy, if we occasionally feel down? Can we really expect our dates to always have interesting things to say? Do we always have interesting things to say? Can we expect our dates to have completely secure jobs? What field in this day and age is completely secure and without the potential for a down turn?
On the other hand just because we have a great career, doesn’t mean we can’t be with someone who’s less educated but has other interests and who has a great sense of self and lots of presence to offer a relationship. How many times have the very people who would never have been a suitable partner, turned out to be ‘THE ONE’, because they offer the complimentary attributes that complete the other person.
Being too overly focused on expectations whether you are in a relationship or wanting to be in a relationship, can make being in a relationship or getting into one feel like too much hard work. It takes the magic out of being with the ‘other’ who can teach you new aspects about life and yourself, that you’d never have if you only dated according to your strict expectations.
I advise my clients to manage their expectations. Work on their confidence and their ability to be there for themselves. So that they can bring their whole selves to their dates with clear expectations of what they want in the relationship. And to always date with an openness to moving beyond their expectations into the reality of who the other person is, which may be just what they need.
Want to find out if your expectations are realistic? Email me: [email protected].
Getting the Delicate Balance between Giving and Taking in Relationships Right
Shoshana was furious that her boyfriend seemed to be much more giving to his friends than to her. Her boyfriend Moshe bought his friends tickets to the football, and often bought his friends gifts. Moshe found it difficult to give to his girlfriend because he saw her as an extension of himself. He wasn’t used to receiving from his parents, as he often felt like an after-thought. As much as he wanted to give to her, he was overly focused on what she was doing or not doing for him. It was as though he was only giving as an exchange for something else. They got into a difficult dynamic whereby no one wanted to budge on the giving and receiving.
What makes giving difficult?
We can’t give if we haven’t been on the receiving end. If we have a difficult time trusting that giving is coming from a good place. That our partner isn’t out to get us. That their intentions are well founded.
When we make giving an accounting act, it turns the relationship into a chess game where each one waits for the other to make a move.
It is also difficult to give, if we can’t receive. It is hard for us to understand why the other person needs to receive if we don’t have that same need.
The giving and receiving dynamic is an important one to get right from the beginning. Generosity is a quality that makes people feel nurtured and held. By withholding, each becomes suspicious of one an others intentions which stops them from feeling comfortable and safe in the relationship.
What it means to balance giving and taking
-Not taking account of whose turn it is to give
-Focus on what you can give and how this fits in with what your partner needs from you to feel safe
-Making sure that you can also receive and that when you do, this is done wholeheartedly
-Ensure that there is a strong culture of giving and receiving beyond material objects – more emotionally and physically
A great book that can help with this is the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. He explains all of the ways that we give enjoy giving and receiving love.
Send me an email and let me know i you find giving or receiving more difficult: [email protected].
Let Hope Get You Out of the Dating Slump
Increasing our feelings of hope by doing what we love and shifting our attitude about dating is the best way to overcome our dating slump.
Do You Have to Kill Your Fantasies and Settle to Get Married?
We were all raised on beautiful, fairy tale fantasies. Where the Prince marries the gorgeous girl and they live happily ever after. They ride into the red and orange haloed sunset on a white stallion with a magnificent, towering castle in the background which promises only joy and prosperity. How many couples try and recreate this fairy tale fantasy on their wedding day and in their lives? We all want to live happily ever after. That’s why the fairy tales are reproduced again and again in our theaters. They feed into our fantasy of the way our life should be. Of the way our partner should be; the shining Prince with a sky high bank balance and a six pack to match; the magnificent woman of Barbie proportions with the benevolence of Mother Teresa.