What is it That Stops People From Committing and Keeps So Many Single? (podcast)
In this podcast taken from a series of radio interviews, Micki Lavin-Pell discusses some of the reasons she believe are causing so many people to feel unable to connect to other people in long term relationships. Factors such as the change in the meaning of community, fear of making connections, difficult parental relationships and much more.
We hope you enjoyed this podcast. Please subscribe to the Micki Lavin-Pell blog where you can read more powerful articles and hear more podcasts on healthy relationships.
Micki is also available for her renowned one on one counseling sessions via Skype. More information here:
Book Review for Hold Me Tight, by Dr. Sue Johnson
When most couples first get married, they believe that their job is done. The hard part is behind them. They have met the love of their life and now they can happily breathe a sigh of relief in knowing that they have found the ONE.
Of course, the bubble usually pops at some point, usually after the marriage. Couples realize new things about their partners that they never noticed before. Raw spots get triggered. Often painful and lonely moments creep in. Feelings of hurt and abandonment arise as our dream partner says or does the wrong thing, hits a raw nerve, behaves less than perfectly.
In Sue Johnson’s seminal book, Hold Me Tight, she describes these painful moments as she vividly describes couples who were just about ready to throw in the towel thinking they must have married the WRONG ONE! She vividly illustrates how our early childhood attachment wounds (a theory developed by 1950’s psychologist John Bowlby) remain with us as we choose partners in hopes of healing those wounds. Yet instead despite all of our best efforts, we reach for partners who trigger those same wounds, for the simple reason that we are attracted to that which we know.
http://amzn.to/2tI6hb1
Hold Me Tight is an attempt to offer couples a window into a better understanding about how our connection with our partners can sometimes go awry. She also explains how our demon dialogues – those pesky conversations we replay time and again with the love of our life – can be transformed to Hold Me Tight moments.
In this book, Sue Johnson uses seven primary examples of where most couples will go wrong. She eloquently demonstrates how rewriting these pain inducing conversations, by hearing one another’s deepest fears and seeing our partner in a new light using the attachment goggles, can help bring couples together as they gain a better understanding and appreciation for the other’s wounds.
Hold Me Tight and the theory that underpins the book, “Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy” (EFT), represents a groundbreaking approach to couples therapy. EFT has 20 years of research to back it up. While most schools of couples therapy yields results as low as 35%, EFT touts results as high as 75%.
The EFT approach is so groundbreaking that creators of other well-known programs including John Gottman (the Gottman Method) and Harville Hendrix (Imago Therapy) support the use of this technique for first line treatment in order to heal the couple’s wounds.
Click here to purchase a copy of the book.
Top Tips to Ensure Relationship Differences Don’t Tear You Apart!
My husband and I got engaged over July 4th weekend 17 years ago. As we were living in New York at the time, the date was chosen more out of convenience, as we had a long holiday/vacation weekend.
While English is our mother tongue, he being British and me being American we occasionally found that we used to butt heads when it came to cultural comforts. For him, watching the cricket is sacrosanct. It’s tantamount to attending Kol Nidre on Yom Kippur…You just don’t miss it!!!
Obviously for me, watching cricket wasn’t even nearly on my radar. I occasionally watched baseball and my family enjoys it here and there, but it’s not massively high on our list of priorities. This is something that varies from family to family as well.
Reconcilable Differences, by Dr. Jim A. Talley
The major differences between Brits and American’s I’ve discovered over the years is in our use of language. For example Brits use the loo instead of the bathroom. Getting pissed in the UK means your massively wasted, whereas in America it means you’re furious. Biscuits in the UK are cookies in the US. If something gets nicked from a Brit, it’s been stolen. If something is nicked to an American it means an object needs a touch up. There are some obvious pronunciation differences: Tomato, has a hard A sound to an American, and a soft A to a Brit.
The greatest difference my husband and I encountered when we first got together was our attention to politeness. Sadly to say, we Yanks just don’t give a toss (to coin an English term) when it comes to manners half as much as our English counterparts (obviously this varies from family to family as well). This was something that drove my husband crazy when we first got together. He’s all about walking house guests to the door when they’re about to leave. He makes sure to say the word please, even when it seems superfluous, and thanks people profusely, even when they piss him off (American usage).
The one that used to drive me the most insane early on in our marriage was his constantly apologizing for things that he did even if it didn’t bother me or seem to warrant an apology. As in “I’m sorry to say, but I disagree with your opinion about x,y,z…” In my head I’d be screaming, “Stop f#$%ing apologizing all the bloody (to coin a British phrase) time.”
Yep, lots of couple’s encounter differences between them. You don’t have to be from different cultures to be challenged by your differences…Even couples from the same town, who share the same religious ideology and have similar education levels will find they have differences about how things should be that can piss (American usage here) the hell out of each other.
Things like attention to cleanliness. I remember a while back working with a couple who had different ideas about levels of cleanliness. The husband was very particular about always capping the toothpaste and making sure you couldn’t find a speck of dust. She was also clean and tidy, in fact this was something she loved about him. She just didn’t take it to his level.
Her attention to detail was slightly less, and caused great friction between them.
After working together a short while, we discovered that the real issue for him was the way he was raised. Being the son of poor immigrants he was taught to value everything, not to take anything for granted. He took this level of meaning very seriously and applied it to everything…For him waste was second to committing a horrible sin. She also was raised to care about her things and not squander, just not to the same degree.
By understanding where each was coming from and the attachment to objects that each was encouraged to have, they were better able to appreciate and understand where each was coming from. He was able to calm down a bit and she was able to appreciate things slightly more.
Here is a tip list that may help you if you find that you and your bf/gf or partner have differences that feel hard to reconcile:
- Understand how this issue is triggering you?
- Work through where you learned to feel so strongly about that issue.
- Share feelings that come up for you in relation to your difference.
- Respond to your partner with empathy when they are the ones sharing their feelings
- If you find it too difficult to feel empathetic, find out why (is it because you so strongly disagree?)
- Try to find a happy medium between your different ideas. If it doesn’t exist, take turns doing things different ways, until you choose one way or the other or create a new way altogether.
Know that lots of couples have differences between them. Far too many get scared off by their feelings and think they have to run away or attack their partner. When strong feelings come up for you about your differences it doesn’t mean you made a mistake. It’s normal for all couples to have differences…but you do need to tend to them, lest they fester and cause even more gaps between you.
For more information about how to deal with your differences, check out my video on dealing with differences between men and women: http://snip.ly/zzdsb
The Torah of Commitment to your Relationship!
The more we take a leap of faith and believe in ourselves, the better able we will be to commit to someone else.
How to Make Sure You Aren’t Settling 4 Love?
Are you concerned about settling for love and making the biggest mistake of your life? Read this article to find out what questions to focus on when searching for love?
Freedom: Are you single by choice?
We’re surrounded by people in relationships. But not all relationships are created equal. While some appear to be happily coupled, not all are.
Many of us fantasize that life will be better once we’re in a relationship. But all around the world there are couples who remain unhappy.
Where’s the gap? Are so many marrying the wrong one?
Many who haven’t yet chosen a partner claim they aren’t ready or haven’t met the right one. Few will admit they don’t want a relationship altogether.
Lots of people who are partnered up are ill equipped, or not emotionally ready or prepared for what’s involved. After the sparks and fireworks wear off, they’re left feeling deflated and mistakenly believe they married the wrong one.
Few will look inside and ask what they could have done differently to make the relationship work. Less will admit they really don’t want commitment, and never did.
The reason is because it feels wrong to say I don’t want a relationship, or I don’t have all the answers. Many are too scared to say, for now marriage really doesn’t suit me for one reason or another.
Not everyone is in a position to give up their hectic lifestyle to be in a relationship.
Relationships require time and space. If you don’t have this, it’s probably a good idea not to get into a relationship, because you’ll probably just tick off your partner.
To be in a relationship or not, either one requires a conscious choice.
You can feel free in a relationship, or out. What brings a sense of freedom and peace of mind is the conscious choice involved.
If you’ve chosen to be in a relationship, but just haven’t found the one, or the timing isn’t right yet, feel the freedom that you are on a path towards finding what you want.
The journey to finding a partner is longer for some than others. The decision about whether to be in a relationship is your cup of tea is a shorter but even more essential road.
Too many of my clients suffer because they never took the time to reflect on whether being in a relationship is for them. They get into a relationship or remain alone through inertia, and not conscious thought.
This is a pity and needn’t be the case.
From my experience, WHO becomes less of an issue once you’ve chosen the WHY. When you’re clear about why you want in or out of a relationship, the rest falls into place.
If you remain in a place of ambivalence and fear, this is unnecessary torture.
If on the other hand you have chosen to be single, then own it, and be proud of it. There is nothing wrong with this decision, and don’t let society make you think otherwise.
If you aren’t sure where YOU stand, hit reply. I love helping people with difficult decisions like this.
Are You Scared Like Crazy When it Comes to Love?
When it came to dating and relationships, Chana had no shortage of experience. Before she met me she didn’t realize that she was actually scared of love. She just thought love hadn’t paid her a visit yet. Or that she was unlucky and this was why she was still single.
She’s an intelligent and attractive woman. Well educated with a promising career. I’m not saying she lives on Easy Street. She experiences plenty of bullying, people trying to undermine her authority, who pass on their extra load when they can.
This is an experience Chana’s used to. Even though she lives with lots of discomfort at work, she is prepared for it, because it’s familiar.
Chana experienced bullying her entire life, starting at home. For as long as she can remember, Chana was the family scapegoat. When there was any problem, she bore the brunt. If the family had financial difficulties, she had to go without. Chana often felt completely alone. The only thing she had in her life that really made her feel good while growing up was her ability to rely on her imagination and her intelligence.
Chana dreamed of being a successful lawyer from early on when she watched LA Law and Law and Order. She voraciously poured over all the court cases in the NY Times. Law was something that gave her passion and drive. Chana derived strength from her knowledge. This made her feel powerful and in control.
Chana clung to her intelligence for a sense of self and support. This was something she could always depend on. No one could take it away from her.
Love, on the other hand has always been a disappointment for her. Whenever she looked for it, Love would always let her down. Pretty early on in life Chana convinced herself that love was a fantasy that wouldn’t come knocking on her door. As painful as it feels to admit to herself, she quickly resigned herself to the fact that she was doomed to living a life alone.
Chana had a really rough introduction to the world of love. As a result, for Chana, love and fear are connected so strongly that she can no longer imagine them apart.
Still, Chana longs for love, as this is something that is built into each and every one of us.
The difference between those of us for whom love comes more easily and for those of us who have a harder time, is the belief that it will actually happen. Obviously, if we felt love on a regular consistent basis then our belief that we are worthy of It would come more easily. If we had to work too hard for love, then we internalize the belief that only through hard work does It actually show up.
For those of us, who were the good little child, sometimes referred to in Israel as the “Yeled Tov Yerushalayim,”, we are left confused as to what more we can do to earn our parent’s love. After all, we couldn’t try any harder. We feel furious with those who seem less deserving and for whom love comes so easily.
So how do those of us for whom love didn’t come easy turn this around so we can create a loving and safe relationship that we can actually trust?
Look out for my next article on how to turn fear of love into fearless love…
If you know someone who is paralyzed by fear and may benefit from this, feel free to share it with them.
Would love to hear what fears you have when it comes to finding love…drop me a line: [email protected].
How to Make the Miracle of Love Happen this Chanuka?
I’ve always been fascinated by the story about the miracle of Chanuka! The tiny army of Maccabees beating Antiochus’ strong and mighty army…the pot of oil lighting up the Menorah for 8 days instead of just one!
Many people ask, why don’t miracles like that happen today? But actually, miracles of all sorts can be found everywhere today too.
If you think about it, the fact that we do things at the speeds we do is nothing short of a miracle. Ordering whatever we want and getting it the next day. Things being broken and fixed in a matter of seconds, being in one country one minute and another the next…these are all miraculous albeit expected events.
If we just stop and think about all of these things that were impossible only 100 years ago and how seemingly natural and commonplace they are for us now, it puts into perspective just how much hope and belief there is for the things that are difficult and seemingly impossible for us to come by.
The miracle of love is no less great than being able to find new medical cures, or fly into space. The only difference between the two, is that we expect romantic love to just happen. Because we witness so many falling in love around us, or we watch it in the movies. We have this expectation that love will just happen or it won’t.
Having experienced this for myself and having helped many others; finding true love is no less miraculous, no matter who you are or your life circumstances. When we take love for granted and expect it to happen, this diminishes the miraculous feeling that comes with love.
What makes miracles so exciting and appealing is the fact that we can’t explain them. They just make little sense to the human mind. But one thing that makes the possibility of a miracle more likely is the passion, desire and belief that something greater than ourselves is guiding the process.
When we want something for a long time and don’t get it, some of us start to lose the hope and belief that it will happen. The thing is we don’t have to go back as far in history as the story of the Maccabees to experience miracles. They happen all around us today too. We just aren’t always as primed to appreciate it as today we have so much expectation about how things should work.
Expectations diminish the flow and possibilities of miracles to occur. Because we expect things to just work, we get disappointed when they don’t. Rather than the other way around.
Top tips to make the miracle of love happen!
1) Believe that you’re worthy of love
The more we feel worthy of love, the more others recognize this too. So we need to make sure our feelings of self worth are alive and well to help this along.
2) Believe that love is possible
When our hope for love has been dashed a few too many times, it’s super hard to believe love is out there. What I tell my clients is that the more you’ve experienced love, the easier it should be to believe in love, because you’ve already had a taste of it. As we hold onto those tastes we’ve had in the past rather than let it hold you back, let it guide you. Learn from what didn’t work and make the next love you let in even better!
3) Believe that everyone you meet is in your path for a reason, whether they are the one or not. Learn from them.
Rather than feeling despondent about meeting yet another person who isn’t for you, instead consider what you may offer one another, how you may help one another. Even if they aren’t in your path for love, see what other things you may learn from them. They may have an interesting hobby, philosophy on life, or just offer you a new perspective on something. Hold onto that and appreciate it.
4) When you meet someone new, don’t size them up. Just allow yourself to appreciate their presence and see what emerges.
5) Look out for the positives in the people we meet and from the well-meaning people who attempt to set you up. When we are positive it inspires others to think kindly of us and makes them want to do good things for us. It’s called positive karma, what goes around comes around.
I’d love to hear about some of the miracles you’ve had in your life so drop me a line: [email protected]. The more we recognize how we’ve been blessed the more blessings seem to come our way.
But I’m a Nice Frum Jew…How Can I Flirt?
Flirting may actually be a mitzvah, because it is that thing that may help you create a successful relationship!
