Category "Marriage"

Following the recent presidential debate, I was struck by the nature of conflict presented on stage. As someone who frequently navigates conflicts with clients, the debate epitomized the art of arguing with words. This spectacle got me thinking about what we can and can’t learn from these intense exchanges, strategies, and emotional undertones that permeate the conversation.

Presidential debates are inherently adversarial, designed to highlight differences and showcase a candidate’s ability to “win” an argument. In relationships, however, the goal should be resolution and understanding, not victory. Viewing conflicts as competitions to be won can foster resentment and drive a wedge between partners. Remember, it’s not you vs. them; it’s both of you vs. the problem. Instead of focusing on winning an argument, approach conflicts in a collaborative spirit, not combative. This is an opportunity to find a solution together. 

Debates often prioritize quick, impactful sound bites over deep, meaningful dialogue. This approach can be detrimental in relationships, where meaningful communication is essential. Partners need time to express themselves fully and to understand each other’s perspectives without being interrupted or sidelined. Value holding your tongue, allowing the other person to finish speaking. If you feel the need to cool down – your not on the clock, and there’s no audience you need to impress- take all the time you need. Instead of interrupting or rushing to respond, try listening fully and reflecting back what you’ve heard before sharing your own thoughts.

The performative nature of debates—where candidates play to the audience—can mislead us into thinking that grand gestures and rhetorical prowess are what matter most. In reality, the subtleties of communication, such as tone, body language, and empathy, play a crucial role in private interactions. The way we express ourselves and the non-verbal cues we give off can significantly impact how our message is received. Instead of focusing on making a point dramatically, try speaking calmly and using body language that conveys openness and understanding.

“Debates” or the occasional argument provide a positive outlet in both the political and private sphere. In politics, debates allow candidates to outline their policies and visions clearly. Similarly, in relationships, having open discussions where each partner can freely express what’s on their mind is vital for mutual understanding and growth. 

Ultimately, while the style and substance of political debates can offer insights into effective communication, they are not a one-size-fits-all model for personal relationships. The key takeaway is to prioritize empathy, active listening, and genuine validation over competition or point-scoring. By fostering a collaborative environment where both partners feel safe to express themselves openly and honestly, relationships can become more resilient and fulfilling. Embracing these principles helps ensure that conflicts are resolved in a way that strengthens the bond rather than fraying it. In matters of the heart, it’s best to leave the debating to the politicians and keep the filibustering out of the living room!

The Fear of Leading Someone On

Imagine you’re dating someone new. You enjoy their company, but you’re not sure if it’s love or just a friendly connection. The fear of leading them on starts to creep in—what if they think this is more serious than it is? What if you end up hurting them? This fear of “leading someone on”, rooted in empathy and a desire to be honest, can lead to feeling pressured to end the relationship before you’re actually certain there’s an issue. 

While healthy relationships necessitate consideration of the other person’s feelings, getting a handle on this anxiety necessitates a shift in focus inward. Instead of trying to anticipate the other person’s emotions, ask yourself if you’ve taken the time to properly try and assess your own. 

When you are overly focused on how others may be feeling, you forget to check in with yourself. As tempting as it is to try and interpret the inner workings of your date and their perceived expectations, it is not only unproductive but can be an effort in futility. Ask yourself if your own feelings are as transparent as you assume theirs to be. You yourself are unsure; can’t they be as well? Don’t assume you’re the only one who needs more time or clarity. Embrace the dating process for what it is – an opportunity to further get to know yourself and someone else. That’s it. 

Next time you find yourself panicking about the “messages you’re sending” or how you feel your date has perceived you, turn the question around to the only person you can really answer for- yourself.

Try asking yourself the following questions:

– Am I enjoying my time with this person?

– Do I feel comfortable and authentic in this relationship?

– What do I need to feel more secure or clear about my feelings?

You can never fully know what’s going on in someone else’s mind, and even if you could, allow them the space to be inconsistent and unclear that you wish you had. They may be feeling just as unsure and in need of more time to get to know you as you do. By not taking responsibility for the other person’s emotions, you relieve yourself of unnecessary pressure and stress. This doesn’t mean being indifferent to their feelings; it’s about acknowledging that their emotions are influenced by many factors beyond your control.

Feeling unsure is a natural part of dating, allow yourself to trust the process. Feelings of uncertainty and confusion will come, expect them and embrace them as a sign that you need to invest more in getting to know this person, not less. You owe it to yourself and the other person to explore the connection fully, without prematurely ending things out of fear.

While it’s natural to try to understand those around you, it’s more productive to accept that the only feelings you can fully manage are your own. You might think you’re protecting the other person by ending things early, but in doing so, you may be doing a disservice to both yourself and your potential date. Each of you deserves the full commitment to see the relationship through. 

You don’t want to panic and exit prematurely, but you also don’t want to overinvest in a relationship you will ultimately walk away from. Be honest and open about your uncertainties and communicate what you can. In the efforts to insist on understanding how your date feels, you deny yourself the opportunity to give yourself the time and space to understand how you feel. Believe me, the most sensitive way to respect the other’s feelings is by valuing your own enough to explore where they lead.

Bashert: Embracing Destiny 

In Jewish tradition, “bashert” refers to one’s destined soulmate, the person meant to be their life partner. While many view bashert as a mystical or predestined connection, it’s equally significant to approach it as a state of mind—one that shapes our attitudes, choices, and experiences in dating.

Bashert isn’t just about finding the right person; it’s about becoming the right person. The passive search for a soulmate transforms into an active engagement with dynamic growth. By intentionally cultivating our character, values, and intentions, we align ourselves more closely with the qualities we seek in a partner. Every experience has the potential to propel us further in our journey to become who we are destined to be—bashert. However, this development requires a deliberate effort to internalize our experiences as part of our growth. Expanding the concept of bashert to encompass a broader perspective on life helps transition from feeling like a victim of life’s inevitable hurdles to feeling energized and empowered to embrace the lessons it offers.

This is especially important in dating, which often feels characterized by a sense of helplessness—condemned to search in vain until our “bashert” stumbles across us. This attitude is both draining and limiting. Accepting bashert as a mindset—that everything that happens to us is part of our larger destiny, infuses this chapter of your life with agency, transforming the most painful encounters into invaluable moments of self-development. 

Reframe your relationship experiences with this understanding. A difficult breakup taught you self-compassion and revealed inner fortitude you didn’t know you had. Hard looks in the mirror and late-night reflections prompted important introspection, leaving you with a clearer self-image. A disappointing first date was neither a failure nor a waste of time, but an opportunity to build empathy and understand another perspective. Each of these experiences become integral to who you are only when you choose to accept them as important parts of your story, ones that shaped you into who you are today – someone who’s potential has been that much more developed. In the present, every interaction can serve as a tool for growth, bringing you closer to the person you have the ability to become should you let it—this is bashert.

Accepting bashert as a state of mind allows this attitude to permeate other aspects of our lives beyond relationships, leading to more holistic personal development. See every experience as an opportunity uniquely destined for you, enriching your journey and making life both more exciting and purposeful.

Bashert is more than a predetermined outcome; it’s an attitude of intentionality, faith, and personal development. By embodying this mindset, we enhance our chances of finding not just any partner, but the one who complements and completes us in the most profound ways, as well as make the journey there that much more meaningful. 

What is The Obsession With “Relationship Readiness”?

“Relationship Ready”—a phrase as rampant as it is elusive. From viral quizzes to countless articles, the quest to determine our readiness for love captivates millions. In a recent survey I conducted with a few dozen young adults about what they would like to know more about in the realm of relationships, over 70% (23/30) identified “how to know if I’m ready for a relationship” as one of their top interests, more than any other option I had offered.

So what is this fixation on being “ready”? Perhaps we have been conditioned to believe that personal growth and development must precede partnership—after all, how can you know what you want if you’re unsure of who you are? Sounds reasonable. And yet, the phrase “relationship readiness” is a modern one, exploding only around the last few decades as a cultural fascination.

Once upon a time, relationships were seen as crucibles of growth, where discovery unfolded through shared experiences rather than solitary introspection. All relationships- irrespective of romance or even health, will by definition involve personal growth, and will be where you uncover your strengths, weaknesses, and preferences. It’s in the dance of interaction, the ebb and flow of emotions, that we truly learn about ourselves and our readiness for deeper connections.

Sure, it’s possible to be not ready—such as having histories of being unable to prioritize others’ needs or maintain healthy connections. Yet, the criteria often touted online—like self-love mastery or unyielding emotional availability—oversimplify a nuanced reality.

Take, for instance, the apparent prerequisite to “be happy with who you are.” While tying your happiness and confidence to the validation of a partner is dangerous, I don’t know a single person who has successfully rid themselves of every insecurity. And positive feedback and validation from a supportive partner can be fruitful in the self-acceptance department. Self-acceptance should be something we work on, but like the next most popular bit of advice—“effective communication”—it isn’t a fixed skill, but a journey of learning and adaptation. 

Similarly, “emotional availability” deepens with trust, evolving over time rather than being a prerequisite set in stone. I would hardly diagnose someone who can’t immediately imagine becoming totally vulnerable with a first date as “emotionally unavailable,” even if that feeling persists a bit further into the relationship. For many, emotional availability runs parallel to emotional intimacy, so assessing this while still single is futile.

Another popular one, “knowing your boundaries,” is indeed important. But it is not more important than reminding yourself that boundaries will and should shift and evolve as trust and intimacy grow. What remains truly constant is the need for thoughtful negotiation and mutual respect.

Finally, the “you must be able to clearly articulate your values and goals.” This is true; any mature individual, irrespective of considering a relationship, should be attempting this. Have your non-negotiables, but leave room for the rest of your goals and values to be impacted by someone else’s presence in your life. Someone who is worthy of your respect and admiration, who causes you to reconsider things you may have once felt were black and white. These lists are helpful, but write them in pencil, not in pen. Relationships often reveal new dimensions of ourselves; be prepared for your priorities and values to shift.

Consider driving. Like a relationship, the capabilities of the person (or two) in the driver’s seat will make driving either life-changing or cataclysmic. While no metaphor can truly reflect the emotional complexity of relationships, much like driving, relationships are a skill. Refusing to get into the driver’s seat until we can be promised that we won’t crash won’t make us better drivers, but it will ensure we will never be any closer to that coveted “readiness”.

Readiness for a relationship isn’t a static state achieved through checkboxes; it’s a dynamic process of self-discovery and mutual exploration. While it’s wise to prepare oneself for the journey of love, let’s not forget that the journey itself holds the potential to shape and refine us. Embrace the unknown, invite growth, and allow the relationships in your life to teach you as much as you teach yourself. 

What if “readiness” is less about establishing the things about you that you insist won’t change and more about opening yourself up to the possibility that parts of you should and will? Consider the transformative power a healthy relationship has the potential to bestow. Even in the messier side of relationships- it is often there that we find the most profound insights about ourselves and our capacity to love.

Instead of focusing on achieving perfection before love, what if we embraced the journey of becoming, together?