Spring Cleaning for Your Dating Life
Pesach is all about cleaning—getting rid of chametz, scrubbing every corner, and making space for something fresh. But what if we applied that same energy to dating? Just like we search for hidden crumbs, maybe it’s time to clear out emotional clutter and lingering baggage that’s been weighing us down.
Think about your dating life—are you holding onto old stories, past heartbreaks, or limiting beliefs? Maybe you’ve told yourself, I always attract the wrong people, I’ll never find someone who understands me, or I have to settle to make this work. These thoughts are like crumbs stuck in the cracks, small but significant. They shape how we see ourselves and how we approach relationships.
We don’t always realize how much emotional “clutter” we accumulate over time. Maybe you’ve been replaying a failed relationship in your head, wondering what you could have done differently. Or maybe you’ve adopted a more cynical outlook after disappointing experiences, bracing yourself for rejection before giving someone a real chance. Just like Pesach cleaning leads us to check places we normally overlook, this is an opportunity to examine the subconscious fears or insecurities that might be shaping your dating life.
So, this Pesach, let’s do a dating deep clean:
- Identify the chametz. What beliefs, habits, or experiences are you holding onto that no longer serve you? Are you stuck in a cycle of dating people who aren’t right for you? Are you holding onto resentment toward an ex? Sometimes, the biggest thing we need to clean out isn’t external—it’s internal.
- Check for hidden crumbs. Emotional baggage doesn’t always show up in obvious ways. Maybe you find yourself shutting down when someone gets too close, or maybe you overthink every text because of a past rejection. Take some time to notice the subtle patterns that might be affecting your relationships.
- Make space for something new. Cleaning isn’t just about getting rid of the old—it’s about making room for something better. What would it look like to approach dating with fresh energy, open-mindedness, and self-respect? What would happen if you let go of the need to control outcomes and just allowed yourself to enjoy the process?
One of the most powerful parts of Pesach is its theme of liberation. We aren’t just commemorating freedom from physical slavery—we’re reflecting on what it means to be emotionally and spiritually free. The same way Bnei Yisrael had to leave behind everything they knew to step into the unknown, sometimes we have to release old narratives to allow for new possibilities.
So as you’re vacuuming corners and scrubbing counters, take a moment to ask yourself: What do I need to clean out of my dating life to move forward? What thought patterns, habits, or expectations do I need to let go of to create the kind of relationship I truly want? Because just like Pesach reminds us every year, true freedom begins when we let go of what’s been holding us back.
Purim: When Relationships are Messy
Purim is a celebration of hidden miracles and unexpected heroes. But it’s also a story of messy, imperfect relationships—where love, duty, fear, and courage all blur together. At the heart of it all is Esther: a woman caught between worlds, trying to navigate connections that are anything but simple.
Esther didn’t choose to be queen. She was taken from her home and thrust into a palace where power dynamics overshadowed any sense of genuine connection. Her relationship with Achashverosh wasn’t built on love, trust, or mutual respect. It was complicated, transactional, and left Esther powerless and unseen.
And yet, within that imperfect reality, Esther didn’t lose herself. She didn’t passively accept her situation or ignore the risks around her. Instead, she found a way to reclaim her voice and make choices with intention and purpose. She didn’t stay silent out of fear or convince herself that everything was fine. When Mordechai urged her to speak up, she took time to reflect, gather her courage, and act deliberately.
Courage Amid Complexity
Purim teaches us that relationships don’t have to be perfect to hold purpose and potential. Sometimes we get caught up in thinking that if a relationship isn’t entirely healthy or ideal, it’s not worth our energy. But Esther’s story shows that even when things aren’t perfect, we can still take ownership of our role within them. It doesn’t mean accepting hurt or staying in harmful dynamics—it means choosing how to respond with wisdom and strength.
There’s a difference between tolerating a bad situation and finding a way to navigate it with integrity. Esther knew that Achashverosh’s behavior was problematic, but she didn’t let that reality paralyze her. Instead, she made a plan, took calculated risks, and leaned on her inner strength. She didn’t just react to her circumstances—she rose to meet them.
Owning Our Choices
Not all relationships are meant to last, and not all challenges are worth enduring. But sometimes we hesitate to show up or speak out because we’re waiting for the “right” conditions. Esther teaches us that courage means taking responsibility even when the situation isn’t perfect. It’s about choosing to act with integrity despite feeling uncertain or scared.
This Purim, reflect on the relationships in your life that feel messy or complicated. Instead of writing them off as failures or flaws, ask yourself:
- How can I reclaim my voice within this dynamic?
- What choices are mine to make, regardless of how others act?
- Am I holding back from speaking up because I’m afraid of the outcome?
And if you find yourself stuck or overwhelmed, consider seeking relationship counseling—not because it means admitting defeat, but because it’s a step toward clarity and growth. Sometimes the most courageous thing you can do is ask for help, take ownership of your story, and choose to move forward.
Purim isn’t about accepting imperfection—it’s about celebrating the unexpected ways courage can emerge from chaos. It’s a reminder that even in the most tangled situations, there’s potential for transformation and redemption. Esther’s story isn’t just about surviving a difficult reality—it’s about stepping into a role that seemed impossible and making choices that shaped the future of an entire nation.
This Purim, let’s celebrate the power of resilience, the courage to speak up when it matters, and the wisdom to find purpose even in uncertain times. Just as Esther’s bold choices forever altered the course of history, so too may we summon the strength to transform our own stories, no matter how daunting it may seem.
Lost in Translation: Are You Really Being Heard?
We all want to feel heard. Whether it’s a partner, a friend, or a family member, there’s something deeply validating about knowing that someone understands us—not just our words but the emotions and needs behind them.
But what happens when you don’t feel heard? When you leave conversations feeling frustrated, unseen, or misunderstood? It can be one of the most isolating feelings in a relationship.
Here’s the good news: there are ways to help others hear you better, without resorting to blame or frustration.
If you’ve ever felt like:
- The other person interrupts or talks over you.
- They jump to advice instead of listening to what you’re really saying.
- They seem distracted or disengaged.
- They brush off your emotions or tell you to “just relax.”
…you’re not alone. These moments can feel small, but over time, they add up to a bigger issue: disconnection.
Feeling heard starts with how you communicate. Here are some practical tips to make sure your voice is truly being heard in your relationships:
- Be Clear About What You Need. It’s easy to get frustrated when someone doesn’t “get it,” but often, the problem is that we assume people know what we want. Be upfront. Say, “I don’t need advice right now—I just need to talk this out,” or, “It would really mean a lot if you could just listen for a minute.”
- Pick the Right Time. If the person you’re talking to is distracted, stressed, or in a hurry, it’s harder for them to listen fully. Say something like, “I need to talk about something important. Is now a good time, or should we find another time?”
- Speak with Vulnerability. It’s hard to listen when someone’s tone feels accusatory or defensive. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel like I’m not being understood, and it’s hard for me to open up when I feel that way.” Vulnerability invites connection.
- Notice Who Does Hear You. Sometimes, we spend so much energy trying to get one person to hear us that we forget to appreciate those who already do. If there’s someone in your life who makes you feel seen, lean into that relationship—it’s a gift.
What to Do If You Still Don’t Feel Heard
- Pause and Reflect. Is this a one-time issue, or a recurring pattern? If it’s the latter, it might point to a deeper incompatibility in communication styles or emotional priorities.
- Consider Outside Support. If you’re in a relationship and feel like communication is consistently breaking down, talking to a mentor, rabbi, or therapist can help bridge the gap.
- Know When to Walk Away. Feeling heard is a basic emotional need. If someone repeatedly dismisses your feelings or shuts you down, it may be time to reevaluate whether the relationship is serving you.
Reflect on your own relationships. Is there someone in your life who consistently makes you feel heard? Take a moment to appreciate them—maybe even let them know how much that means to you.
And if there’s someone with whom you feel unheard, ask yourself: What’s one small step I can take to change that dynamic? Can I be clearer, more vulnerable, or more patient?
Who do you feel heard by, and what makes them stand out? Let’s talk about it in the comments.
All My Eggs in One Basket: What the Egg Shortage Taught Me About Relationships
If you’ve been to the grocery store recently, you may have noticed the rising cost of eggs—or worse, an empty shelf where they should be. The egg shortage has forced people to rethink their meals, find creative substitutes, and realize that maybe they were relying too much on one simple ingredient. Funny enough, relationships work the same way. Whether it’s learning how one bad experience can skew our perception or realizing that our ‘must-haves’ in a partner might not be as essential as we thought, the lessons from the egg shortage go far beyond the kitchen.
“The Rotten Egg Effect”
Ever cracked an egg, only to be hit with a rotten smell that makes you want to throw away the whole carton? It’s unsettling, unexpected, and makes you question the quality of the rest. The same thing can happen in relationships—one toxic experience can leave such a strong impression that it clouds how we approach love moving forward.
Maybe you dated someone who was emotionally unavailable, and now you assume every potential partner will let you down. Or maybe you were in a controlling relationship, and now any request feels like a red flag. The problem? If we let one bad experience dictate our future, we risk pushing away healthy relationships that don’t deserve our skepticism.
The key to moving past the “rotten egg effect” is recognizing that not all relationships—or people—are the same. Yes, patterns exist, and yes, we should learn from our experiences. But healing requires perspective: just because one egg was bad doesn’t mean you swear off omelets forever. Take time to heal, reframe your expectations, and remind yourself that good, healthy relationships do exist—you just have to be open to them.
How to move past the “rotten egg effect”:
- Recognize the pattern, but don’t assume it’s universal. If someone hurt you, reflect on what you need to look out for moving forward, but don’t project their flaws onto someone new.
- Challenge your assumptions. Are you truly seeing red flags, or are you reacting from past wounds? Are you holding back from giving someone a real chance because you’re afraid of repeating history?
- Give yourself permission to start fresh. Healing means allowing yourself to believe in love again. Does finding a bad egg in the supermarket make you assume that your future egg purchases will be similarly tainted? On the contrary! Now you know more about how to spot those rare bad eggs than ever—what they smell like, what they look like—and you are only more confident and better equipped to avoid them in the future.
Rising Without Eggs
Ask any baker and they’ll tell you—eggs are essential. They bind ingredients, add richness, and help everything rise. But when an egg shortage hits, creative bakers don’t throw in the towel—they find alternatives. And guess what? The cake still rises.
The same is true for relationships. We all have “must-haves” when searching for a partner—whether it’s a specific personality trait, lifestyle choice, or background. But sometimes, the things we think are essential aren’t actually deal-breakers.
Maybe you always imagined dating someone extroverted, but the quiet, thoughtful person you’re seeing makes you feel more at peace than anyone else ever has. Maybe you assumed you’d only date within a specific career path, but someone outside of that world brings you a refreshing new perspective. The key is knowing the difference between values that truly matter and expectations that might be holding you back from something great.
Just like a good cake can still be made without eggs, a fulfilling relationship can exist even if it doesn’t check every box on your original list. The question isn’t whether a relationship looks exactly as you pictured—it’s whether it’s bringing you joy, growth, and genuine connection.
How to rethink your relationship ‘must-haves’:
- Differentiate between values and preferences. Core values—like integrity, kindness, and emotional availability—are essential. But surface-level traits, like a specific career path or personality type, might not be as crucial as you think.
- Ask yourself what truly makes you happy. Are you holding onto certain expectations because they actually serve you, or just because they’re familiar?
- Stay open to unexpected possibilities. Sometimes, the best relationships come in packages you never saw coming. The question isn’t whether someone checks all the boxes—it’s whether they make you feel loved, understood, and supported.
The egg shortage might be frustrating, but it’s also a lesson in flexibility. We learn to navigate around scarcity, rethink what’s truly essential, and recognize that one bad egg doesn’t mean the whole system is broken. The same applies to relationships. One negative experience shouldn’t ruin your outlook on love, and a rigid list of ‘must-haves’ might be limiting your chances of finding something truly fulfilling.
So the next time you’re at the grocery store staring at an empty shelf, remember: just like in relationships, your capacity for creativity and adaptability might just surprise you.
The Lost Art of Listening: How to Truly Hear and Connect
We all think we’re good listeners. But if we’re being honest, how often are we truly present when someone is speaking? In relationships, especially in dating, listening is one of the most underrated skills—and yet, it’s the glue that can hold everything together.
True listening isn’t just about hearing words; it’s about understanding the emotion behind them and making the other person feel safe and valued. It’s what turns surface-level conversations into real connections.
The truth is, most of us don’t listen to understand. We listen to respond. We’re busy preparing what we’ll say next or thinking about how the story relates to us. Add in distractions like phones, stress, or general impatience, and the result is often superficial conversations that don’t deepen the relationship.
But listening—really listening—is about being present in someone else’s world for a moment, even if it’s messy, emotional, or uncomfortable.
Here are a few ways to show up as a listener:
- Be Fully Present. This sounds simple, but it’s harder than it seems. When your partner (or anyone else) is talking, put down your phone, close your laptop, and make eye contact. Your presence sends the message that they’re important.
- Listen Without an Agenda. So often, we listen with the intent to reply or solve a problem. But true listening isn’t about fixing—it’s about understanding. Hold back on giving advice unless they ask for it.
- Reflect Back What You Hear. Sometimes, just saying, “It sounds like you’re really frustrated about work,” or “I hear how much this means to you,” can make someone feel deeply validated.
- Ask Questions That Show You Care. Move beyond surface-level questions like, “How was your day?” Instead, ask, “What’s been on your mind lately?” or “What’s something you’re excited about right now?”
- Don’t Interrupt. It’s tempting to jump in when you think you know what someone’s about to say, but resist that urge. Let them finish their thought before responding.
In dating, listening isn’t just a skill; it’s a way to build trust and connection. When you truly listen, you’re sending a powerful message: “I care about your thoughts and feelings. I want to know you.”. We often are over eager to offer unhelpful or unasked for advice because we assume the person sharing with us is looking for some kind of response, some answer that you’re uniquely suited to provide them with. Maybe that’s true, but try entertaining the possibility that all they’re asking from you in the moment is to truly absorb what they’re saying. Whatever they’re choosing to share with you was an intentional decision to communicate a piece of themselves, before jumping in to respond, pause and ask yourself – why are they sharing this with me? What do they want me to understand about them? Not sure? Keep listening!
Listening also helps you understand the deeper layers of someone’s personality—what makes them tick, what they value, and what they need in a relationship. And that understanding is what sets the foundation for something real.
The Best You Can Be: A Relationship Lesson from Simone Biles
(image credit: depositphotos)
Have you ever felt overwhelmed by the need to be perfect in your relationship, constantly trying to meet your partner’s expectations while concealing your own struggles? Watching the Olympics with my family got me thinking – how do Olympians do it? The immense pressure, tremendous expectations, all while exuding this aura of being superhuman? Listening to American Gymnast, Simone Biles’s provided me with some insight:
Despite an apparent injury, Biles competed with her characteristic excellence, leaving us not only in awe of her athletic prowess but also inspired by her approach to challenges. Her journey provides valuable lessons not just for athletes, but for anyone striving to build healthier relationships with themselves and others .
When asked if she was okay after the injury, Biles replied, “Yup! As good as I can be.” This simple response carries a powerful message: all we can expect of ourselves is to be the best we can be. This mindset is not only crucial in sports but is also a cornerstone for successful relationships. Being our best selves involves showing up authentically: being honest about our limits and capabilities.
In 2021, Simone Biles made headlines by withdrawing from competition to prioritize her mental and physical health, a decision some criticized as quitting but which was actually a profound act of self-care and self-awareness. By choosing her long-term well-being over short-term performance, Biles demonstrated the importance of stepping back to prevent burnout and stay engaged with our partners. This was during the COVID-19 pandemic, where the absence of her family significantly impacted her mental health, highlighting the crucial need to recognize and address the lack of a support system. This situation underscores the importance of acknowledging when support is missing and seeking help, as well as the value of understanding and communication in relationships to navigate challenges effectively.
Fast forward to 2024, Biles’ decision to discuss how she views the limits to her performance because of her injury further showcases her courage to be vulnerable. Biles is a woman in tune with when it is appropriate and inappropriate to push herself. What was the right choice for her in 2021, looked different this time around. In both she was able to put others’ expectations for her to the side, and focus on being “as good as I can be”. In relationships, embracing our vulnerabilities can strengthen our bonds. It allows us to be authentic, express our fears and weaknesses, and seek and offer support. Biles faced immense pressure but understood that the only person she needed to answer to was herself.
So, how does this translate to our everyday relationships? Reflect on when you last allowed yourself to be vulnerable with your partner and whether you create a safe space for them to share their own vulnerabilities. Consider if it’s time to revisit opportunities you’ve previously avoided or if you’re overextending yourself, as sometimes our commitments to others prevent us from being honest about our limits. Simone Biles teaches us that true balance comes from being forgiving with ourselves. We can all learn from Simone’s approach: strive to do your best, embrace your vulnerabilities, and foster a safe space for yourself and others. By doing so, you’ll build deeper connections and navigate your relationships with greater empathy and understanding. Biles’ journey reminds us that real strength lies in being in tune with ourselves, both in our personal achievements and in our relationships.
A Different Kind of Debate
Following the recent presidential debate, I was struck by the nature of conflict presented on stage. As someone who frequently navigates conflicts with clients, the debate epitomized the art of arguing with words. This spectacle got me thinking about what we can and can’t learn from these intense exchanges, strategies, and emotional undertones that permeate the conversation.
Presidential debates are inherently adversarial, designed to highlight differences and showcase a candidate’s ability to “win” an argument. In relationships, however, the goal should be resolution and understanding, not victory. Viewing conflicts as competitions to be won can foster resentment and drive a wedge between partners. Remember, it’s not you vs. them; it’s both of you vs. the problem. Instead of focusing on winning an argument, approach conflicts in a collaborative spirit, not combative. This is an opportunity to find a solution together.
Debates often prioritize quick, impactful sound bites over deep, meaningful dialogue. This approach can be detrimental in relationships, where meaningful communication is essential. Partners need time to express themselves fully and to understand each other’s perspectives without being interrupted or sidelined. Value holding your tongue, allowing the other person to finish speaking. If you feel the need to cool down – your not on the clock, and there’s no audience you need to impress- take all the time you need. Instead of interrupting or rushing to respond, try listening fully and reflecting back what you’ve heard before sharing your own thoughts.
The performative nature of debates—where candidates play to the audience—can mislead us into thinking that grand gestures and rhetorical prowess are what matter most. In reality, the subtleties of communication, such as tone, body language, and empathy, play a crucial role in private interactions. The way we express ourselves and the non-verbal cues we give off can significantly impact how our message is received. Instead of focusing on making a point dramatically, try speaking calmly and using body language that conveys openness and understanding.
“Debates” or the occasional argument provide a positive outlet in both the political and private sphere. In politics, debates allow candidates to outline their policies and visions clearly. Similarly, in relationships, having open discussions where each partner can freely express what’s on their mind is vital for mutual understanding and growth.
Ultimately, while the style and substance of political debates can offer insights into effective communication, they are not a one-size-fits-all model for personal relationships. The key takeaway is to prioritize empathy, active listening, and genuine validation over competition or point-scoring. By fostering a collaborative environment where both partners feel safe to express themselves openly and honestly, relationships can become more resilient and fulfilling. Embracing these principles helps ensure that conflicts are resolved in a way that strengthens the bond rather than fraying it. In matters of the heart, it’s best to leave the debating to the politicians and keep the filibustering out of the living room!
The Fear of Leading Someone On
The Fear of Leading Someone On
Imagine you’re dating someone new. You enjoy their company, but you’re not sure if it’s love or just a friendly connection. The fear of leading them on starts to creep in—what if they think this is more serious than it is? What if you end up hurting them? This fear of “leading someone on”, rooted in empathy and a desire to be honest, can lead to feeling pressured to end the relationship before you’re actually certain there’s an issue.
While healthy relationships necessitate consideration of the other person’s feelings, getting a handle on this anxiety necessitates a shift in focus inward. Instead of trying to anticipate the other person’s emotions, ask yourself if you’ve taken the time to properly try and assess your own.
When you are overly focused on how others may be feeling, you forget to check in with yourself. As tempting as it is to try and interpret the inner workings of your date and their perceived expectations, it is not only unproductive but can be an effort in futility. Ask yourself if your own feelings are as transparent as you assume theirs to be. You yourself are unsure; can’t they be as well? Don’t assume you’re the only one who needs more time or clarity. Embrace the dating process for what it is – an opportunity to further get to know yourself and someone else. That’s it.
Next time you find yourself panicking about the “messages you’re sending” or how you feel your date has perceived you, turn the question around to the only person you can really answer for- yourself.
Try asking yourself the following questions:
– Am I enjoying my time with this person?
– Do I feel comfortable and authentic in this relationship?
– What do I need to feel more secure or clear about my feelings?
You can never fully know what’s going on in someone else’s mind, and even if you could, allow them the space to be inconsistent and unclear that you wish you had. They may be feeling just as unsure and in need of more time to get to know you as you do. By not taking responsibility for the other person’s emotions, you relieve yourself of unnecessary pressure and stress. This doesn’t mean being indifferent to their feelings; it’s about acknowledging that their emotions are influenced by many factors beyond your control.
Feeling unsure is a natural part of dating, allow yourself to trust the process. Feelings of uncertainty and confusion will come, expect them and embrace them as a sign that you need to invest more in getting to know this person, not less. You owe it to yourself and the other person to explore the connection fully, without prematurely ending things out of fear.
While it’s natural to try to understand those around you, it’s more productive to accept that the only feelings you can fully manage are your own. You might think you’re protecting the other person by ending things early, but in doing so, you may be doing a disservice to both yourself and your potential date. Each of you deserves the full commitment to see the relationship through.
You don’t want to panic and exit prematurely, but you also don’t want to overinvest in a relationship you will ultimately walk away from. Be honest and open about your uncertainties and communicate what you can. In the efforts to insist on understanding how your date feels, you deny yourself the opportunity to give yourself the time and space to understand how you feel. Believe me, the most sensitive way to respect the other’s feelings is by valuing your own enough to explore where they lead.
Bashert: Embracing Destiny
Bashert: Embracing Destiny
In Jewish tradition, “bashert” refers to one’s destined soulmate, the person meant to be their life partner. While many view bashert as a mystical or predestined connection, it’s equally significant to approach it as a state of mind—one that shapes our attitudes, choices, and experiences in dating.
Bashert isn’t just about finding the right person; it’s about becoming the right person. The passive search for a soulmate transforms into an active engagement with dynamic growth. By intentionally cultivating our character, values, and intentions, we align ourselves more closely with the qualities we seek in a partner. Every experience has the potential to propel us further in our journey to become who we are destined to be—bashert. However, this development requires a deliberate effort to internalize our experiences as part of our growth. Expanding the concept of bashert to encompass a broader perspective on life helps transition from feeling like a victim of life’s inevitable hurdles to feeling energized and empowered to embrace the lessons it offers.
This is especially important in dating, which often feels characterized by a sense of helplessness—condemned to search in vain until our “bashert” stumbles across us. This attitude is both draining and limiting. Accepting bashert as a mindset—that everything that happens to us is part of our larger destiny, infuses this chapter of your life with agency, transforming the most painful encounters into invaluable moments of self-development.
Reframe your relationship experiences with this understanding. A difficult breakup taught you self-compassion and revealed inner fortitude you didn’t know you had. Hard looks in the mirror and late-night reflections prompted important introspection, leaving you with a clearer self-image. A disappointing first date was neither a failure nor a waste of time, but an opportunity to build empathy and understand another perspective. Each of these experiences become integral to who you are only when you choose to accept them as important parts of your story, ones that shaped you into who you are today – someone who’s potential has been that much more developed. In the present, every interaction can serve as a tool for growth, bringing you closer to the person you have the ability to become should you let it—this is bashert.
Accepting bashert as a state of mind allows this attitude to permeate other aspects of our lives beyond relationships, leading to more holistic personal development. See every experience as an opportunity uniquely destined for you, enriching your journey and making life both more exciting and purposeful.
Bashert is more than a predetermined outcome; it’s an attitude of intentionality, faith, and personal development. By embodying this mindset, we enhance our chances of finding not just any partner, but the one who complements and completes us in the most profound ways, as well as make the journey there that much more meaningful.
What is The Obsession With “Relationship Readiness”?
What is The Obsession With “Relationship Readiness”?
“Relationship Ready”—a phrase as rampant as it is elusive. From viral quizzes to countless articles, the quest to determine our readiness for love captivates millions. In a recent survey I conducted with a few dozen young adults about what they would like to know more about in the realm of relationships, over 70% (23/30) identified “how to know if I’m ready for a relationship” as one of their top interests, more than any other option I had offered.
So what is this fixation on being “ready”? Perhaps we have been conditioned to believe that personal growth and development must precede partnership—after all, how can you know what you want if you’re unsure of who you are? Sounds reasonable. And yet, the phrase “relationship readiness” is a modern one, exploding only around the last few decades as a cultural fascination.
Once upon a time, relationships were seen as crucibles of growth, where discovery unfolded through shared experiences rather than solitary introspection. All relationships- irrespective of romance or even health, will by definition involve personal growth, and will be where you uncover your strengths, weaknesses, and preferences. It’s in the dance of interaction, the ebb and flow of emotions, that we truly learn about ourselves and our readiness for deeper connections.
Sure, it’s possible to be not ready—such as having histories of being unable to prioritize others’ needs or maintain healthy connections. Yet, the criteria often touted online—like self-love mastery or unyielding emotional availability—oversimplify a nuanced reality.
Take, for instance, the apparent prerequisite to “be happy with who you are.” While tying your happiness and confidence to the validation of a partner is dangerous, I don’t know a single person who has successfully rid themselves of every insecurity. And positive feedback and validation from a supportive partner can be fruitful in the self-acceptance department. Self-acceptance should be something we work on, but like the next most popular bit of advice—“effective communication”—it isn’t a fixed skill, but a journey of learning and adaptation.
Similarly, “emotional availability” deepens with trust, evolving over time rather than being a prerequisite set in stone. I would hardly diagnose someone who can’t immediately imagine becoming totally vulnerable with a first date as “emotionally unavailable,” even if that feeling persists a bit further into the relationship. For many, emotional availability runs parallel to emotional intimacy, so assessing this while still single is futile.
Another popular one, “knowing your boundaries,” is indeed important. But it is not more important than reminding yourself that boundaries will and should shift and evolve as trust and intimacy grow. What remains truly constant is the need for thoughtful negotiation and mutual respect.
Finally, the “you must be able to clearly articulate your values and goals.” This is true; any mature individual, irrespective of considering a relationship, should be attempting this. Have your non-negotiables, but leave room for the rest of your goals and values to be impacted by someone else’s presence in your life. Someone who is worthy of your respect and admiration, who causes you to reconsider things you may have once felt were black and white. These lists are helpful, but write them in pencil, not in pen. Relationships often reveal new dimensions of ourselves; be prepared for your priorities and values to shift.
Consider driving. Like a relationship, the capabilities of the person (or two) in the driver’s seat will make driving either life-changing or cataclysmic. While no metaphor can truly reflect the emotional complexity of relationships, much like driving, relationships are a skill. Refusing to get into the driver’s seat until we can be promised that we won’t crash won’t make us better drivers, but it will ensure we will never be any closer to that coveted “readiness”.
Readiness for a relationship isn’t a static state achieved through checkboxes; it’s a dynamic process of self-discovery and mutual exploration. While it’s wise to prepare oneself for the journey of love, let’s not forget that the journey itself holds the potential to shape and refine us. Embrace the unknown, invite growth, and allow the relationships in your life to teach you as much as you teach yourself.
What if “readiness” is less about establishing the things about you that you insist won’t change and more about opening yourself up to the possibility that parts of you should and will? Consider the transformative power a healthy relationship has the potential to bestow. Even in the messier side of relationships- it is often there that we find the most profound insights about ourselves and our capacity to love.
Instead of focusing on achieving perfection before love, what if we embraced the journey of becoming, together?