What was the first shadchan thinking?
Shadchans set people up in one of two ways. Either they do this with wanton abandon. Throwing a guy and a girl together because they have some haphazard things in common and, “heck, she’s a girl and he’s a boy.” Or they do tons of research and only set people up when they feel they have a level above a certain threshold in common.
In Parshat Chaye Sarah, the shadchan in the story, Eliezer, is nervous about setting up yitzchak and getting it right. He asks lots of questions about how to know he’s found the one.
It seems that at the start Eliezer very much favors the second more scientific approach to setting people up. He seems so particular about finding just the right one.
But when he’s on the ground doing his field work, everything changes. He seems to throw all caution to the wind and without even trying to start the task. He says to himself the next girl that offers my camels a drink will marry him!
What is going on here?!
Imagine J-Date suddenly abandoned their algorithm and instead put you together with the next person who logs in.
One interpretation is that Eliezer felt he was looking in the right ball park. Meaning, he knew the general location was a good one for finding good women who were appropriate for Yitzchak.
In terms of the choice criteria, offering a drink, Eliezer knew the act of giving is such an essential part of a successful relationship. As long as that element was there, it was enough for him to feel confident he chose a winner.
We often get bogged down by things we think we need from a partner. A good job, good looks, good family, etc.
Sometimes we get so thrown off by people’s insignificant details (arriving a bit late for a date, not saying the exact right thing, not wearing the right thing, ordering the wrong thing) that we miss the essential ingredients that make for a great partnership. Like their ability to give and receive.
It’s interesting that Avraham embodies the midah of chessed and Yitzchak embodies the midah of gevurah. Chessed is about giving and Gevurah is about receiving.
By combining these two midot we have the potential to create the perfect dynamic.
Getting the balance right is a challenge. While deep down we know we want a good give and take balance in our relationship, yet often it seems so obvious that we overlook it.
In the book, “Women who love too much” Robin Norwood addresses women who are very good at forgetting about their needs and give so much to a relationship, there is literally no space for anyone else to give.
These are women (and this goes for men too btw) who were abused or neglected as children and believed the only way for them to receive love is if they behave well and do everything right.
They were never taught by their parents how to give and receive and find a happy balance.
For people who were abused, receiving feels scary and weird because it’s foreign to them. When they date a kind man, who can give, they run a mile. The only kind of person they can feel attracted to is the one model they have of love, an abusive or neglectful one.
If you can relate to being attracted to partners who are either abusive or neglectful, drop me a line and tell me what you would like to do differently in your relationships to get the give and take balance right. Check out my website: www.mickilavinpell.co.il
Is money blocking you from finding love?
Is money getting in your way of finding love? Are old messages about money making it difficult to connect with the love of your life? Read more…
Is New Always Better?
The media loves bombarding us with the idea that if there is something new out there…it must be a good thing.
A former client, lets call her Shana, dreaded going to parties and having to deal with meeting new people. The minute Shana stepped into the room of a party, her stomach literally began to hurt. Her hands became sweaty and she wanted to jump under the welcome mat.
She preferred sitting at home and reading a book on her own, even if this meant she was alone. Shana never really understood why being in unfamiliar places made her feel queasy.
She just knew that without at least one familiar person, she couldn’t tolerate a new and unfamiliar place.
For her, a new environment means giving up on the known. Not having her security blanket and things that she is familiar with really throws her off track.
For Shana, going on a first date with someone new she never met before, with someone she has no one in common with is torture. She would sooner not be in a relationship and go to the dentist, whom she has known for years for a painful procedure, than have to deal with all that is involved with someone new.
A new first date…
A new pair of shoes…
A new home…
A new job…
What do each of these things have in common, other than the word new?
Each requires an adjustment, involves a bit of pain, and all include change…
As much as we all love the idea of something new…in theory, new alone does not come without its fair share of challenges, grief and even pain.
What Shana discovered through therapy with me was that she still clung to unresolved trauma from dealing with new environments. Her lack of support in dealing with Aliyah as a young girl was now holding her back from dating and meeting new people.
Once Shana became aware of the reason she felt paralyzed in new situations, she was able to break free from her fear and develop new habits that enabled her to embrace them. She was able to feel excited about meeting new people and going to new places.
Just becoming aware of what we’re up against and need to do differently can make all of the difference between remaining stuck in our old space and moving forward.
If you’re feeling stuck and not finding relationships coming easily to you, drop me a line and let me know what you’re struggling with. I always love a good challenge…
Can Love Wait til After the Chaggim?
In Israel this time of year, all anyone hears is that if you want something done, you have to wait until “acharei ha-chag”, or after the holidays. It’s as though all of life stands still until after the chaggim are over. A whole whopping month, knocked out of action!
The thing is there are some things you can’t put on hold, like finding or being in love.
Just this morning, I was on the way to meetings and had a million things to do, because after all Rosh Hashanna is just around the corner. My husband called to say he was in agony as he fell off his bike and landed on his right hand.
Suddenly, it felt like the world stopped. I had to make sure my husband was ok… so I ran to meet him at Terem (Jerusalem’s version of A&E) to be with him at his time of need.
Point is, as inconvenient as it was to put my life on hold at the craziest time of the year, being with him at his time of need trumped everything, because I love him…
Love isn’t always convenient. Many will tell you they found love when they were at the height of being crazy busy with things like work or exams, or when they really weren’t up for it. One client shared with me that she met her husband when she broke her leg on a ski trip (yep, he was the orthopedic surgeon).
The trick for all of us – those already in a relationship and those looking for love – is to be open enough to recognize when love is staring us in the face, so we don’t miss it.
While putting your dating or love life on hold until after the chaggim makes sense, it’s also a terrible idea. Because love is one of those emotions we just don’t have control over. Like when we choose to take our car in for a service, or collecting our check books from the bank, or returning our books to the library, or visiting a sick friend.
As it happens, especially if you’re in Israel, there are so many opportunities to meet new people. Meals, shul, parties, communal events are all great meeting places, that putting your search for love on hold at this time would be a missed opportunity.
Leaving some things to after the chag makes good sense, for example, a new project at work, a new hobby, even a New Year’s resolution, but not your search for love.
If you would like to make sure that this time next year, you are sitting beside the love of your life (but hopefully not in A&E), contact me so that I can help you overcome your relationship barriers and get your love life on track.
Get Your Emotional S#!% Together to Avoid a PLAYER…
A Player will say things to try and make you feel good, because he has his focus set on one thing, and I’m sorry but it isn’t winning your heart!
Finding Love with Serendipity…
Most of us would prefer to find love with help from serendipity! No one really likes to be “fixed up.”. Even the very expression belies the negativity of the whole event. Cars and old tv’s get “fixed up.” That’s because they are broken down. To fix up a person with someone else somehow implies that he/she is not working right and needs some work done to them. The average person would much rather find their true soulmate on their own and not through a third party… no matter how reliable the friend. While girls are probably more likely to admit it, even guys, if pressed, would prefer the “romantic” way of meeting someone.
Maybe it’s the novels we read or the movies we watch. Those portray the exceptional romantic encounter that leads to true love… the goal most of us aspire in forging a relationship.
Perhaps there is something to the notion of serendipity. That discovery that happens when we’re least expecting it. So many important discoveries and inventions just happen while the scientist was really looking for something else. A surprising number of the conveniences of modern life were invented when someone stumbled upon a discovery or capitalized on an accident: the microwave oven, safety glass, smoke detectors, artificial sweeteners, X-ray imaging. Many blockbuster drugs of the 20th century emerged because a lab worker picked up on the “wrong” information.
No one knows what elements go into the creative process of making such discoveries by chance, but if we did, my, what great inventions could be found! In the same sense, this “mystery” that we call “falling in love” could be explored, quantified, bottled, and produced so that more, better and longer lasting relationships could be produced, leading to a profound change in society itself.
Alas, such a pursuit in discovering this serendipitous mystery is itself self-defeating. For like so many of the important things in life it does take much knowledge, skill, work, and effort to achieve success, but there is always the X-factor that makes for a real break-through. Some will call it fate. Others call it G-d. Scientists might call it serendipity. From my limited experience, it is when one is least expecting it, that great things can result.
So when it comes to great discoveries in science as well as matters of the heart, it is probably best to “leave a little to G-d”.
Where would you most appreciate the love of your life showing up? How do you imagine you will recognize it? Email me: [email protected]
Great Date Expectations- What’s Allowed?
Everyone is looking for “THE ONE”. Looking for “THE ONE” means that you’re probably carrying around a list of what you expect from your dream partner. Someone good looking, smart, kind and of course some one who makes us laugh. Some of us have subconscious expectations that are getting in the way of making our relationship dreams a reality…
From the minute we enter this world we start creating a subconscious laundry list of partner expectations. Our list is influenced by the way we grow up. Watching Disney movies, fairy tales, and even witnessing our parent’s relationship, all influences how we think our partners should be. What most of us don’t realise is that there are so many subconscious, hidden expectations of our potential spouse, that we aren’t even aware of what they might exactly be.
When it comes to dating, making sure that we date someone who really matches our expectation level, in a realistic way, means being super clear with ourselves about how we want a relationship to look.
We need to be realistic about what we have to offer. We can’t expect to marry a super model when we look like Hulk’s brother. We need our expectations to be grounded in some form of reality. Is it a fair expectation for your dates to always be happy, if we occasionally feel down? Can we really expect our dates to always have interesting things to say? Do we always have interesting things to say? Can we expect our dates to have completely secure jobs? What field in this day and age is completely secure and without the potential for a down turn?
On the other hand just because we have a great career, doesn’t mean we can’t be with someone who’s less educated but has other interests and who has a great sense of self and lots of presence to offer a relationship. How many times have the very people who would never have been a suitable partner, turned out to be ‘THE ONE’, because they offer the complimentary attributes that complete the other person.
Being too overly focused on expectations whether you are in a relationship or wanting to be in a relationship, can make being in a relationship or getting into one feel like too much hard work. It takes the magic out of being with the ‘other’ who can teach you new aspects about life and yourself, that you’d never have if you only dated according to your strict expectations.
I advise my clients to manage their expectations. Work on their confidence and their ability to be there for themselves. So that they can bring their whole selves to their dates with clear expectations of what they want in the relationship. And to always date with an openness to moving beyond their expectations into the reality of who the other person is, which may be just what they need.
Want to find out if your expectations are realistic? Email me: [email protected].
Getting the Delicate Balance between Giving and Taking in Relationships Right
Shoshana was furious that her boyfriend seemed to be much more giving to his friends than to her. Her boyfriend Moshe bought his friends tickets to the football, and often bought his friends gifts. Moshe found it difficult to give to his girlfriend because he saw her as an extension of himself. He wasn’t used to receiving from his parents, as he often felt like an after-thought. As much as he wanted to give to her, he was overly focused on what she was doing or not doing for him. It was as though he was only giving as an exchange for something else. They got into a difficult dynamic whereby no one wanted to budge on the giving and receiving.
What makes giving difficult?
We can’t give if we haven’t been on the receiving end. If we have a difficult time trusting that giving is coming from a good place. That our partner isn’t out to get us. That their intentions are well founded.
When we make giving an accounting act, it turns the relationship into a chess game where each one waits for the other to make a move.
It is also difficult to give, if we can’t receive. It is hard for us to understand why the other person needs to receive if we don’t have that same need.
The giving and receiving dynamic is an important one to get right from the beginning. Generosity is a quality that makes people feel nurtured and held. By withholding, each becomes suspicious of one an others intentions which stops them from feeling comfortable and safe in the relationship.
What it means to balance giving and taking
-Not taking account of whose turn it is to give
-Focus on what you can give and how this fits in with what your partner needs from you to feel safe
-Making sure that you can also receive and that when you do, this is done wholeheartedly
-Ensure that there is a strong culture of giving and receiving beyond material objects – more emotionally and physically
A great book that can help with this is the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. He explains all of the ways that we give enjoy giving and receiving love.
Send me an email and let me know i you find giving or receiving more difficult: [email protected].
How to Write a Killer Online Dating Profile!
While online dating isn’t the most ideal way to meet the love of your life, it is the preferred method at the moment. We all complain we are time poor and have heard stories about how our best friends and Auntie Sophie met the loves of their life through online dating. It is hard to imagine that people actually had relationships before the year 2000, when the world’s first online dating site J-Date launched. Since then, all sorts of dating sites have graced the internet. OK Cupid, E-harmony, Match.com and several others have taken the dating world by storm. There are many Jewish Online dating sites that have different spins on how they work. Saw you at Sinai, Zivug Zone, Shlish Gan Eden, Shadchanet and Two Become one are just a few. Watch this space for an upcoming article for an analysis of which sites are best for you.
Seeing as how I work with lots of my clients on ways to meet potential dates creating a good online dating strategy is essential. Having done lots of research on what works here are a few of my top tips to consider.
Top Tips that will make your online dating profile stand out and attract the kind of person you are looking for…
– Let them know what you are looking forward to contributing to a relationship. This sends the message that you are a giver, which is a very attractive feature.
(e.g., looking forward to baking cookies for them or with them, giving foot massages, creating romantic memories, etc)
– Don’t just say what you like to do – demonstrate it. Too many people say that they love to do chessed (charity), or that they are very chill (when often they are uptight but wish they were chill…). If you can instead share a brief story about how you laugh off a stressful situation, or how you make time daily to chill (i.e. how you nurture and look after yourself), this shows that you really value yourself which again is a very attractive quality.
– Never say you have a sense of humor. Show it instead. Tell a funny story that shows you in a good light. Show how you have a lighter side. Everyone’s sense of humor is different. Demonstrate how yours’ is unique and attract someone who enjoys your style.
– If you are an introvert and want to attract someone who gets this about you, say how you enjoy sharing lots of one-on-one time with the important people in your life. The message will be made clear without hammering it home. If you are an extrovert, share how you love making others laugh at a party, how you love making introductions and connections between people.
Really let yourself shine either way.
– Demonstrate that you can think of others beyond yourself. This is super attractive. Talk about the time your nephew was sick for days and how you pitched in and sent your sister and brother-in-law off for the night so that you could bond with your nephew and give your siblings the restful night they needed.
– Show off your personality through what you do regularly combined with what you wish you could do if you didn’t have a day job. Talk about your hopes and dreams. Throw in a few fantasies. For example, “If I wasn’t so busy lawyering, I would be getting my hands dirty in a beautiful garden, with the sun beating down on my back.” Or “While I love crunching numbers, I would be communing with gorillas in Africa”.
– Make your online-profile sensory. Give the reader a feel and taste for what you are about. This will make you come alive- which is super attractive. Talk about how you love the feeling of walking on wet moss. When you take walks on the beach, talk about how you love the feel of sand tickling your toes, the feel of the wind in your hair and the sun warming your body. When you cook dinner, talk about how you love the smell of the zatar and oregano in the stir fries you make.
– When it comes to commenting on your religious level, consider whether you really need someone who is exactly the same religious level. You don’t have to be exactly the same, but attract someone who is open and willing to respect the way you do things. Even if you were to find someone exactly like you religiously, I guarantee you may find you have to compromise on a value that may be even more important like how you communicate, or spend time or money.
– Rather than saying you go to shiurim or learn Torah regularly, consider sharing something you have learned recently that really excited you or that made you feel alive. Sharing is caring, and everyone wants to be with someone who cares.
– Although you may wish to convey that you are a serious person, be sure to show off your lighter side as well. Every relationship requires flexibility and lightness, especially when things get serious- and trust me, they do!
Although many people write almost nothing in their profile, this doesn’t mean that you have to be equally phlegmatic. Writing a great profile is another opportunity to potentially connect with someone who is right for you. If you take the opportunity to invest in considering who you are, what makes you tick and convey this in a humorous way to potential dates that may connect well with you, hey, you never know. Life is full of surprises. There is no better way to meet someone than by surprise!
By taking the minimal risk of sharing some important parts of who you are online, you may find it pays off. If you don’t put your best foot forward and at least try, you will never know what you may have missed out on.
As the saying goes: You gotta be in it to win it!!!
Which online dating site do you feel matches you best? Email me and let me know: [email protected]