Using the Month of Elul to Strengthen Ourselves and Our Relationships
Elul is a time of deep reflection, a spiritual opportunity to return to our best selves before Rosh Hashanah. Traditionally, we use this month to assess our relationship with Hashem, but it’s also a powerful time to assess the relationships in our lives—with family, friends, and significant others.
When we reflect on teshuva (repentance), it’s not just about admitting past mistakes—it’s about committing to growth and improvement. As Hasidic master Rav Tzadok HaKohen of Lublin is quoted as saying, “Teshuva is 1% about the past, and 99% about the future.” The same applies to our relationships—and even more so, to our personal growth. Working on ourselves during Elul opens the door to finding a partner who will grow with us into the future.
1. Honest Self-Reflection
Elul is about taking stock of where we are. In our relationships, this means checking in with ourselves. Are we holding onto old grudges? Carrying unrealistic expectations? Elul encourages us to let go of what weighs us down. Reflect on how your own patterns of behavior—perhaps rooted in past experiences—impact your current relationships. By doing this work, we not only improve our current connections but also prepare ourselves to find a partner with whom we can build a meaningful future.
2. Embracing Vulnerability
During Elul, we ask for forgiveness not only from Hashem but also from each other. This is an ideal time to practice vulnerability. Admitting where we’ve gone wrong requires humility, but it’s through this that true growth happens. Opening up to our partner—or even to ourselves—about our fears and insecurities allows us to create a deeper, more authentic connection. The more we embrace vulnerability, the more ready we are for a partner who can meet us at that same level of emotional honesty.
3. Strengthening Our Communication
This is the time to listen—not just to the shofar blasts that call us to attention, but to the people in our lives. The Rambam explains that the shofar is meant to wake us from our spiritual slumber. Can we apply this message to our relationships? Sometimes we get caught in routines, taking our loved ones for granted. Elul is our reminder to wake up, not only in our current relationships but also in preparing ourselves for future ones. By improving communication and being more present, we cultivate skills that will help us connect more deeply with a future partner.
4. Working on Our Middot (Character Traits)
Just as we work on middot like patience, kindness, and humility in our spiritual lives, these traits are crucial in building healthy relationships. Elul gives us the chance to focus on improving these qualities, knowing that the work we do now will shape our future. The person we become during this time will help us attract the kind of partner who values growth and mutual support. By cultivating positive middot, we set the stage for a future relationship rooted in respect, love, and shared values.
As we prepare ourselves spiritually during Elul, let’s also use this time to elevate our relationships—present and future. The personal work we do today is an investment in a brighter, more connected future, both with Hashem and with a partner who is aligned with our growth. By the time Rosh Hashanah arrives, may we not only feel more aligned with our values but also more prepared to find and build a meaningful relationship with someone who shares them.
How Less Can Be More
Picture this: You’ve just spent a fortune on reservations at the “perfect” venue. You’ve been battling on the phone all day to secure that spot, only to arrive at the date utterly drained. The pressure of making it worth it creates an awkward atmosphere, and instead of connecting, you’re both caught up in justifying the time and money spent. Authenticity? It’s nowhere to be found. You’re each busy performing and trying to meet the high expectations set by the elaborate plans. At best, you’ve pulled off an impressive show; at worst, you both leave feeling resentful and underwhelmed.
Now, imagine a casual coffee date instead. The lack of expectations opens up space for genuine conversation. A $5 coffee might seem insignificant, but it becomes a small price for a meaningful connection.
Dating doesn’t have to be a high-stakes game. The stress of elaborate plans and big investments often leads to disappointment and a lack of genuine connection. This pressure can make it hard to relax and truly get to know each other, overshadowing the potential for a real connection.
That’s not to say you shouldn’t splurge occasionally for someone special. However, spending excessively to impress or present a curated version of yourself may not be the best way to find a meaningful partner. Even if you can afford it, such grand gestures can create a sense of obligation and pressure that detracts from authentic connection. Save the lavish plans for when the relationship is established and genuine.
By adopting a low-stakes approach, you reduce the pressure and foster a more relaxed, authentic interaction. Simple, spontaneous activities like a park stroll or a coffee chat can be just as fulfilling and enjoyable without the added stress of elaborate planning.
Reflect on your dating habits and consider how they impact your experience. Try planning a low-stakes date—a simple coffee meet-up or a walk in the park. See how this more relaxed approach influences your connection and interaction. Embracing low-stakes dating can make the journey of getting to know someone more enjoyable and authentic, leading to deeper, more meaningful connections.
The Best You Can Be: A Relationship Lesson from Simone Biles
(image credit: depositphotos)
Have you ever felt overwhelmed by the need to be perfect in your relationship, constantly trying to meet your partner’s expectations while concealing your own struggles? Watching the Olympics with my family got me thinking – how do Olympians do it? The immense pressure, tremendous expectations, all while exuding this aura of being superhuman? Listening to American Gymnast, Simone Biles’s provided me with some insight:
Despite an apparent injury, Biles competed with her characteristic excellence, leaving us not only in awe of her athletic prowess but also inspired by her approach to challenges. Her journey provides valuable lessons not just for athletes, but for anyone striving to build healthier relationships with themselves and others .
When asked if she was okay after the injury, Biles replied, “Yup! As good as I can be.” This simple response carries a powerful message: all we can expect of ourselves is to be the best we can be. This mindset is not only crucial in sports but is also a cornerstone for successful relationships. Being our best selves involves showing up authentically: being honest about our limits and capabilities.
In 2021, Simone Biles made headlines by withdrawing from competition to prioritize her mental and physical health, a decision some criticized as quitting but which was actually a profound act of self-care and self-awareness. By choosing her long-term well-being over short-term performance, Biles demonstrated the importance of stepping back to prevent burnout and stay engaged with our partners. This was during the COVID-19 pandemic, where the absence of her family significantly impacted her mental health, highlighting the crucial need to recognize and address the lack of a support system. This situation underscores the importance of acknowledging when support is missing and seeking help, as well as the value of understanding and communication in relationships to navigate challenges effectively.
Fast forward to 2024, Biles’ decision to discuss how she views the limits to her performance because of her injury further showcases her courage to be vulnerable. Biles is a woman in tune with when it is appropriate and inappropriate to push herself. What was the right choice for her in 2021, looked different this time around. In both she was able to put others’ expectations for her to the side, and focus on being “as good as I can be”. In relationships, embracing our vulnerabilities can strengthen our bonds. It allows us to be authentic, express our fears and weaknesses, and seek and offer support. Biles faced immense pressure but understood that the only person she needed to answer to was herself.
So, how does this translate to our everyday relationships? Reflect on when you last allowed yourself to be vulnerable with your partner and whether you create a safe space for them to share their own vulnerabilities. Consider if it’s time to revisit opportunities you’ve previously avoided or if you’re overextending yourself, as sometimes our commitments to others prevent us from being honest about our limits. Simone Biles teaches us that true balance comes from being forgiving with ourselves. We can all learn from Simone’s approach: strive to do your best, embrace your vulnerabilities, and foster a safe space for yourself and others. By doing so, you’ll build deeper connections and navigate your relationships with greater empathy and understanding. Biles’ journey reminds us that real strength lies in being in tune with ourselves, both in our personal achievements and in our relationships.
Why It’s Easier for You to Commit to Cheesecake than Love
With so many cheesecake recipes clogging up my instagram this time of the year, it’s excusable to forget that the holiday is about more than just yummy food. Commemorating the giving of the Torah and our commitment to G-d, Shavuot is truly about commitment . When G-d offered the Torah to the Jewish people, we responded instantly without hesitancy, “Naaseh, v’Nishma.” We will do and we will hear.” In other words, we will do as we are told and find out the details later. That’s commitment!
Sounds a bit nuts as this wasn’t a small matter to agree to. It begs the question, “What made the Jewish people so agreeable? And what can we learn from this in our own relationships?
G-d displayed an unwavering love towards the Jewish people, exacting revenge on their enemies, shepherding them out of Egypt into the desert, providing free food in the form of manna…. Why would the Jewish people think for a moment that the Torah would be anything but good for them? They were courted by G-d and then when he finally asked for a commitment, there was no hesitation. After all, when people are presented time and again with goodness, this builds feelings of trust. We almost take it for granted that things will go smoothly over time. For some, commitment is as easy as eating cheesecake, for others, it’s a fear greater than climbing Mount Sinai.
What makes us agreeable in relationships?
- When the person we are speaking with smiles at us and expresses interest and validates our feelings
- When we find mutual topics of interest
- When the other person nods and uses positive body language to invite us in
What makes a person commit to lifelong love?
- Building up positive shared experiences
- Having positive experiences with our close friends and family
- Letting them into the rich inner recesses of our lives
- Being vulnerable
What if you just can’t commit?
Identify what your blocks are. Is it fear of getting hurt, fear of not being enough, fear of growing bored, fear you won’t be able to get through life’s challenges, fear of someone better coming along?
Work through the fear and let it go: Once you have identified the fear you should be better equipped to face it head on. This is commonly an area that trips people up as they aren’t entirely sure what the fear is about and then they have a hard time clearing it. Often, one can experience multiple obstructions and feel too overwhelmed to deal with on your own. If you find yourself in this bind, unable to clear the blockage, therapy is the way to go. Together we will work on identifying your obstruction, working on a way to clear it and build your best self so you can be open to a committed relationship.
Why are some people afraid to commit while others find it easy to jump right in ?
Those who can’t commit have one or more of these issues that bar them from pulling the trigger on an otherwise healthy relationship .
Sometimes, they’ve witnessed an unpleasant relationship between parents and they have a fear of recreating this. Other times they may have had a negative relationship with their parents or other family members which manifested in a fear of recreating this pattern with someone else.
Lastly, it’s possible they feel generally unlovable or incapable of giving and receiving love.
Can’t Commit? Don’t quit! If you are still struggling with the concept of commitment as a whole, feel free to reach out to me. I’d love to help you overcome your fears and find yourself in a committed loving relationship.
Tinder in the Age of Corona…
(This story takes place after the 5th person in Israel was found to have Corona)
Ayelet and Ben both swiped right on Tinder https://tinder.com. After exchanging phone numbers, they had an incredibly long phone conversation. The likes of which are unusual for Ayelet. By the time the conversation was done, she wondered how much more she would learn about him from their first date. Her pre-date conversation length is usually no longer than 10 minutes tops.
She was excited for this date in a way she hadn’t been in the first time since her divorce 2 years ago. Her dates usually sound so dull over the phone. Especially the first time around, when they hadn’t yet met.
Tinder doesn’t offer you much info, so she doesn’t usually have much to go on. Over the phone Ben sounded open and fully invested. She even felt a little flutter in her tummy. Something she hadn’t experienced in years.
They arranged to go out two days after the phone call. By 8 o’clock on Tuesday night she was good to go.
- Babysitter- Check
- Makeup- Check
- Hair- Check
- Awesome outfit- Check
- Great Attitude- Check
At 8:05 Ayelet stepped out of her home to meet up with Ben when she heard a ping from her whatsapp. Instinctively, she checked her phone to discover a new message from Ben.
“Sorry, can’t meet you tonight. My big sister convinced me to stay home because of Corona. Hope I can meet up with you some other time. Bye.”
That’s right…”Ba Bye”, thought Ayelet as she carried along her merry way. Feeling awesome anyway! “At least I don’t have to spend my night with a dim whit,” Ayelet thought as she smiled to herself.
Relationship Take Home Lessons:
- Don’t listen to your sister…If you do, don’t tell your date…Man up…Make your own decisions.
- If someone does drop you suddenly, keep walking and keep smiling!
- Check out this blog for more…https://www.mickilavinpell.co.il/love-in-the-age-of-corona-is-corona-the-new-love-bug/
- Want more tips on dating during the times of Corona check out this article from Vogue https://www.vogue.com/article/coronavirus-dating-social-scene
- For more on Tinder dating warnings:https://www.jpost.com/OMG/Dating-app-Tinder-warns-users-to-take-precautions-against-coronavirus-620134
The Pete Davidson Effect!
What does Pete Davidson have that women want? Read this blog to learn how you can learn from Pete and get the love of a high quality woman…
Do You Dance Like this as A Couple?
The negative cycle begins and ends at exactly the same point. She reaches for her husband, her need gets missed and then she shouts and spews anger as she feels ignored. This then causes her partner to pull away as they run and hide.
Who doesn’t want to be the Wise Child?
On Passover, we mention the 4 sons: the Wise, the Wicked, the Simple one and the “Child Who Doesn’t Know What to Ask.”