Posts Tagged "build a healthy marriage"

This week’s Torah portion of Chayei Sara, which features the story of the first matchmaking process—that between our forebears Yitzchak and Rivka—is often the jumping-off point for many a Shabbat table discussion about the world of dating and relationships. Yet to frame it solely as a romance misses its depth. Within this seemingly straightforward narrative lies a tapestry of profound insights into relationships, legacy, and the sacred dynamics of building a shared future. The meeting of Yitzchak and Rivka is not merely a tale of boy meets girl. Rather it serves as a blueprint, showing us how to build relationships that honor the past, and embrace the present, all while paving the way for a meaningful future.

Legacy

The parsha begins with Sarah’s death, an event that casts a shadow over the family. Yitzchak, deeply affected by his mother’s passing, carries a quiet grief. Avraham, on the other hand, is forward-looking, ensuring the continuity of Sarah’s legacy by securing a partner for Yitzchak.  

This juxtaposition is striking. Yitzchak’s relationship with Rivka begins not in joy but in the shadow of mourning. Yet it is precisely this grief that shapes the relationship: Rivka is not just a partner for Yitzchak; she becomes the bearer of Sarah’s legacy. When Rivka enters Sarah’s tent, the Torah tells us that the miracles associated with Sarah—her Shabbat candles staying lit, the blessing in her dough, and the cloud of the Shechinah above her tent—return.  

In relationships, we are often drawn to the idea of “starting fresh,” but this story challenges us to think about how the past informs the present. What legacies, experiences, or wounds do we carry into our relationships? How do our partnerships honor our earlier experiences while carving out something uniquely our own?  

Listening

Rivka’s defining moment comes at the well, where she not only offers water to Eliezer but also to his camels. This act of kindness is not incidental; it is the criteria Eliezer sets to identify Yitzchak’s future wife. But to qualify this as simply kindness is missing the point – it is an act of proactive leadership. 

Watering ten camels is no small task. Rivka doesn’t wait to be asked; she anticipates the needs of others and acts decisively. Her generosity is proactive, not reactive— and stems from her attentiveness to the needs of those she dedicates herself to caring for, even when those needs are unspoken.   

In relationships, kindness must transcend politeness. It’s about creating an environment where both partners feel nurtured and seen. Are we anticipating our partner’s needs? Are we willing to go beyond convenience to offer real support? Rivka’s kindness challenges us to step into a space of leadership and active listening within our relationships, where we shape the dynamic rather than passively responding to it.  

Love

When Rivka first sees Yitzchak, she veils herself. This act of modesty reflects an understanding of the sacredness of their encounter. The veil is not a barrier; it is a boundary that acknowledges the gravity of what is about to unfold.  

In relationships, we often think of intimacy as the removal of barriers, but Rivka’s veil suggests that sacred boundaries are equally vital. Vulnerability does not mean laying everything bare all at once—it means creating a space where trust and connection can unfold gradually, with intention.  

What boundaries do we set to protect the sacredness of our relationships? How do we honor the gravity of forming a bond with another person, ensuring it is built on respect and care rather than haste?  

Chayei Sara’s Challenge to Us 

Legacy:  What parts of our past do we bring into our partnerships? Are we honoring the legacy of those who shaped us while allowing space for new growth?  

Listening: Are we truly listening to our partners’ needs both spoken and unspoken? Are we offering kindness that is proactive and transformative, or simply performative?  

Love: Do we honor the sacredness of our relationships by setting boundaries that nurture trust and intimacy?  

This week, as Shabbat candles are lit in the spirit of Sarah’s tent, lets reflect on the ways we can bring light into our relationships—through acts of kindness, meaningful boundaries, and a renewed commitment to building something sacred.  

What step will you take today to bring these lessons to life?  

Sukkot is a holiday where we step out of our comfortable homes and into the fragility of a sukkah, embracing the elements of nature—the wind, the cold, and sometimes even the rain. It’s a powerful metaphor for relationships, teaching us that true connection comes when we leave behind the walls we construct around ourselves and allow the uncomfortable exposure to create space for growth.

In a world where we often seek control and stability, Sukkot reminds us that there’s strength in surrendering to vulnerability. Much like sitting in a sukkah exposed to the outside world, being in a relationship means allowing someone to see your imperfections and share in your fears. It’s not always easy, but it’s through embracing this discomfort that we uncover deeper truths about ourselves and each other. 

This Sukkot, try Sharing a Personal Story: Just as the sukkah opens itself up to the world, consider sharing something personal with your partner—a story about your past or a challenge you’ve faced. Vulnerability is an invitation to deeper understanding. For example, you might say, “I don’t usually talk about this, but I want you to know…” Opening up creates space for your partner to be open in return.

When we build our “sukkah” in a relationship, we have to be intentional about how we construct it. Are we setting up shaky walls of pretense, or are we building with the open honesty that will let light and warmth in? Relationships thrive when we take the risk to show our true selves—our joys, our insecurities, and even our uncertainties. It’s in that openness, just like in the sukkah, that we find genuine security, one that is built on trust rather than illusion.

This Sukkot, try Allowing Your Partner to Support You: We often try to handle everything on our own, but just as we trust the sukkah to shelter us, we need to trust our partners to support us. Next time you’re feeling overwhelmed, ask for help. Whether it’s emotional support or help with a task, showing that you can rely on them builds trust. For instance, if you’ve had a rough day, say, “I’m feeling really stressed. Could you help me figure this out?”

Sukkot also teaches us that we don’t need perfect conditions to experience joy. We might feel a breeze through the sukkah or hear a storm in the distance, but the celebration continues because we’ve learned to find beauty in the impermanent. Similarly, relationships aren’t always about perfection or avoiding conflict, but about learning to weather the storms together, knowing that each challenge brings you closer and strengthens your bond.

This Sukkot, try Celebrating the Small Wins: Just as we celebrate in the sukkah despite imperfect conditions, take time to celebrate small successes in your relationship. Did you navigate a tough conversation with grace? Did your partner support you in an unexpected way? Acknowledging these moments brings more joy into the relationship and shows that, like the sukkah, it’s the simple, authentic moments that matter.

So, as you reflect on your relationships this Sukkot, ask yourself: What walls have you built to protect yourself, and are they keeping you from deeper connection? Can you step out into the vulnerability and trust that, just like the sukkah, there’s strength in letting go and embracing the unknown?

*Cheshbon hanefesh*—an accounting of the soul—is a key practice during Elul, a time dedicated to self-reflection and spiritual growth. We use this period to look back on our past actions, assess how we’ve lived over the past year, and set intentions for the year ahead. But this year, why not expand that sacred practice to include your past relationships—what I’m calling a “Cheshbon HaRelationships”? Elul gives us the perfect opportunity to reflect with intention on how our relationships, especially romantic ones, have shaped us. By engaging in this reflection, you can transform past experiences into powerful lessons that help guide you toward deeper self-awareness and healthier future connections.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of seeing past relationships that didn’t last as a waste—wasted time, money, and emotional energy. But Elul reminds us that we have the power to reframe those experiences. They’re only a waste if we let them be. Instead, I invite you to take some time this Elul to do some productive introspection. Light a candle, put on some music, and dedicate a quiet moment to reflect on your romantic past. To help guide you, I’ve broken this *cheshbon* into three main areas:

1. What Did You Learn About Them?

Every person you’ve been in a relationship with has left an imprint on you. Even if the relationship didn’t last, there were moments of insight and lessons learned. Think back to each person—what strengths did they have that you admired? Maybe one was incredibly patient, and you found yourself drawn to their calm presence. Perhaps another was great at expressing their needs or had a passion that made you reflect on your own values.

By acknowledging their strengths, you not only honor what attracted you to them, but you also start to identify qualities you might want to develop in yourself or look for in a future partner.

Ask yourself:

– What’s one strength this person had that I don’t?

– How did their qualities shape my understanding of what I value in a partner?

– What did I admire most about them, and how can I integrate that into my life?

2. What Did You Learn About Yourself?

Relationships act as mirrors, reflecting back who we are—sometimes in ways we don’t expect. Maybe you learned that you tend to shut down in conflict, or that you have a habit of not communicating your needs clearly. These insights can be uncomfortable, but they’re also essential for growth.

Elul invites us to look inward and ask hard questions about how we show up in our relationships. Did a past relationship bring out the best in you, or did it reveal behaviors you want to change? Recognizing these patterns helps you grow and prepares you for healthier, more fulfilling relationships in the future.

Ask yourself:

– What did this relationship teach me about myself?

– How did I handle conflict or communication in this relationship?

– What personal qualities or habits do I want to improve based on what I learned?

3. What Did You Learn About Your Relationship Patterns?

Now, step back and look at the bigger picture. Do you notice any recurring themes in your relationships? Are you consistently drawn to a certain type of person, or do you find yourself facing the same challenges in each relationship? Recognizing these patterns is key to breaking free from cycles that no longer serve you.

Perhaps you’ve been attracted to emotionally unavailable partners, or maybe you tend to lose your voice in relationships, prioritizing their needs over your own. Elul gives you the chance to break these patterns and create new ones that are healthier and more aligned with what you want for your future.

Ask yourself:

– What relationship patterns do I notice across different partners?

– What dynamics keep repeating, and how can I address them?

– How can I break old patterns and cultivate healthier ones in my future relationships?

By taking ownership of your past experiences, you empower yourself to enter the new year with clarity, purpose, and the wisdom gained from your relationships. Instead of lamenting time lost, recognize the lessons you’ve learned, and move forward with hope for deeper love and connection. 

May the insights you gain from this *Cheshbon HaRelationships* bring you closer to the meaningful, fulfilling relationships you seek in the year ahead.

Elul is a time of deep reflection, a spiritual opportunity to return to our best selves before Rosh Hashanah. Traditionally, we use this month to assess our relationship with Hashem, but it’s also a powerful time to assess the relationships in our lives—with family, friends, and significant others.

When we reflect on teshuva (repentance), it’s not just about admitting past mistakes—it’s about committing to growth and improvement. As Hasidic master Rav Tzadok HaKohen of Lublin is quoted as saying, “Teshuva is 1% about the past, and 99% about the future.” The same applies to our relationships—and even more so, to our personal growth. Working on ourselves during Elul opens the door to finding a partner who will grow with us into the future.

1. Honest Self-Reflection

Elul is about taking stock of where we are. In our relationships, this means checking in with ourselves. Are we holding onto old grudges? Carrying unrealistic expectations? Elul encourages us to let go of what weighs us down. Reflect on how your own patterns of behavior—perhaps rooted in past experiences—impact your current relationships. By doing this work, we not only improve our current connections but also prepare ourselves to find a partner with whom we can build a meaningful future.

2. Embracing Vulnerability

During Elul, we ask for forgiveness not only from Hashem but also from each other. This is an ideal time to practice vulnerability. Admitting where we’ve gone wrong requires humility, but it’s through this that true growth happens. Opening up to our partner—or even to ourselves—about our fears and insecurities allows us to create a deeper, more authentic connection. The more we embrace vulnerability, the more ready we are for a partner who can meet us at that same level of emotional honesty.

3. Strengthening Our Communication

This is the time to listen—not just to the shofar blasts that call us to attention, but to the people in our lives. The Rambam explains that the shofar is meant to wake us from our spiritual slumber. Can we apply this message to our relationships? Sometimes we get caught in routines, taking our loved ones for granted. Elul is our reminder to wake up, not only in our current relationships but also in preparing ourselves for future ones. By improving communication and being more present, we cultivate skills that will help us connect more deeply with a future partner.

4. Working on Our Middot (Character Traits)

Just as we work on middot like patience, kindness, and humility in our spiritual lives, these traits are crucial in building healthy relationships. Elul gives us the chance to focus on improving these qualities, knowing that the work we do now will shape our future. The person we become during this time will help us attract the kind of partner who values growth and mutual support. By cultivating positive middot, we set the stage for a future relationship rooted in respect, love, and shared values.

As we prepare ourselves spiritually during Elul, let’s also use this time to elevate our relationships—present and future. The personal work we do today is an investment in a brighter, more connected future, both with Hashem and with a partner who is aligned with our growth. By the time Rosh Hashanah arrives, may we not only feel more aligned with our values but also more prepared to find and build a meaningful relationship with someone who shares them.