Tending to Your Relationship
I was tending to my garden today and thinking how bad I feel for neglecting it for so long. Many of the plants were in serious need of immediate care as the leaves were dying and flowers were unable to bloom. The cold winter weather sometimes brings me down and I just don’t have it in me to take care of the garden in the way it really needs.
Pruning plants, clearing away dead leaves and aerating the soil feels all too hard when the rain is beating down and it’s so cold outside. It’s also hard to feel motivated to clear away dead leaves day after day, when you know tomorrow a freshly fallen batch will effortlessly re-appear…only requiring me to do the same thing all over again.
It got me thinking that gardening is so much like tending to a relationship. Initially it’s beautiful and we feel motivated to tend to each other. Because it’s new and fresh tending to the relationship early on takes little work.
We talk endlessly in the beginning, send each other texts throughout the day of romantic little memes and pick me ups. It gives each of us a smile along with a boost- like a caffeine injection that motivates us to push through the hard parts of the day.
Continue to read the rest of the article: Tending to Your Relationship by Clicking here: http://theedencenter.com/tending-to-your-relationship/
What is it That Stops People From Committing and Keeps So Many Single? (podcast)
In this podcast taken from a series of radio interviews, Micki Lavin-Pell discusses some of the reasons she believe are causing so many people to feel unable to connect to other people in long term relationships. Factors such as the change in the meaning of community, fear of making connections, difficult parental relationships and much more.
We hope you enjoyed this podcast. Please subscribe to the Micki Lavin-Pell blog where you can read more powerful articles and hear more podcasts on healthy relationships.
Micki is also available for her renowned one on one counseling sessions via Skype. More information here:
What’s the shame about couple’s therapy?
Is shame blocking you from creating a loving marriage or relationship?
Is New Always Better?
The media loves bombarding us with the idea that if there is something new out there…it must be a good thing.
A former client, lets call her Shana, dreaded going to parties and having to deal with meeting new people. The minute Shana stepped into the room of a party, her stomach literally began to hurt. Her hands became sweaty and she wanted to jump under the welcome mat.
She preferred sitting at home and reading a book on her own, even if this meant she was alone. Shana never really understood why being in unfamiliar places made her feel queasy.
She just knew that without at least one familiar person, she couldn’t tolerate a new and unfamiliar place.
For her, a new environment means giving up on the known. Not having her security blanket and things that she is familiar with really throws her off track.
For Shana, going on a first date with someone new she never met before, with someone she has no one in common with is torture. She would sooner not be in a relationship and go to the dentist, whom she has known for years for a painful procedure, than have to deal with all that is involved with someone new.
A new first date…
A new pair of shoes…
A new home…
A new job…
What do each of these things have in common, other than the word new?
Each requires an adjustment, involves a bit of pain, and all include change…
As much as we all love the idea of something new…in theory, new alone does not come without its fair share of challenges, grief and even pain.
What Shana discovered through therapy with me was that she still clung to unresolved trauma from dealing with new environments. Her lack of support in dealing with Aliyah as a young girl was now holding her back from dating and meeting new people.
Once Shana became aware of the reason she felt paralyzed in new situations, she was able to break free from her fear and develop new habits that enabled her to embrace them. She was able to feel excited about meeting new people and going to new places.
Just becoming aware of what we’re up against and need to do differently can make all of the difference between remaining stuck in our old space and moving forward.
If you’re feeling stuck and not finding relationships coming easily to you, drop me a line and let me know what you’re struggling with. I always love a good challenge…
Hope and Healing: From Warsaw to Jerusalem
Sitting in a café in Jerusalem on Yom Yerushalayim, my home for the past 8 years, it’s hard to believe that just last week I was in Warsaw, visiting all the sites that represent how Jews used to live and thrive in a country that largely accepted them and that they called home for centuries, and how that was all taken away during the Shoah in 1939-1945. In addition to Warsaw we visited Mezerich, Majdanek, and Lublin. We visited the cemetery in Mezerich to find the remains of my husband’s relatives only to discover that most of the tombstones had been removed, likely used by the Nazis as paving stones as we saw in Majdanek. It was gut wrenching to see this first-hand.
The primary purpose of my trip, wasn’t a heritage trip, but rather a medical conference for practitioners and sufferers of MRKH syndrome (a syndrome that renders a woman incapable of having babies naturally and that makes sex painful as she is born without a womb and a partially developed vaginal canal). I was invited to speak on the topic of hope and healing.
MRKH affects 1 in 10,000 women around the world. It isn’t unique to any specific culture or race. Little is known about why some women have it. Most women discover they have MRKH between ages 13-15 (some even later), when they either experience painful sex or discover that their period hasn’t begun, despite the fact that they have produce female hormones and eggs.
Speaking on the topic of hope to a group of medical professionals just hours after taking a walking tour with my husband and baby through the streets of Jewish Warsaw was surreal. It was as though I was being handed a reminder of how my own people’s entire existence was a result of the hope they held dear throughout the many pogroms and the Shoah.
And there I was standing in front of medical professionals, some who were young students, about to embark upon their careers, and other seasoned professionals who’ve had the misfortune of sharing bad news of their patient’s MRKH diagnosis as they sob in their offices…feeling complete despair at this new life changing information. Believing that they were, for all intents and purposes women like any other, but then in an instant robbed of the belief that they will be able to have children as easily and effortlessly as other women.
When I was first asked to speak at the conference, I questioned my ability to talk about hope. After all, I am by no means a world leading expert on the subject. Sure I work with couples, on trying to resurrect the hope they once had about being together forever and rekindling their feelings. I also worked with 100’s of single men and women who feel hopeless about finding love and work with them to overcome barriers and traumas so that they feel more hopeful and find love. But to then teach how to convey hopefulness to other professionals and to women born without a womb…and in Warsaw of all places…the task felt overwhelming.
Through researching the subject of hope, I revisited my own struggles that challenged my hope and drew upon what helped me during those times.
(For the rest of this blog post check out: www.gethelpisrael.com)
Find and Keep Your Love this Tu B’AV!
As Jews Tu B’Av is our day of romance, a Jewish Valentine’s Day. The first mention of Tu B’Av is in the Mishna Taanit, where we read the story about women dressed in white dancing in the vineyards and suggesting to men that they consider them as a potential partner.
https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/tu-bav/
While we are a long way away from this custom, love and marriage are still very much in vogue…and as love is a fairly basic human need that not many are happy to forgo, it will hopefully to be around forever!
So, if you are looking for love this Tu B’Av, and not sure where to start, consider how you would like your life to look once you already found the love of your life.
Consider some of the following that may be holding you back. The more you are aware of what may be getting in your way, the better able you will be to overcome these barriers.
How to invite love in this Tu B’AV!!!
1) Make room for love: If you haven’t yet found love, it may be the case that you haven’t been making enough time and space for the search. Many people want love, but actually have no room for it.
For those who are in loving relationships, ask yourself whether you are creating enough time and space for your partner. Do either of you feel taken for granted? Are you drowning yourself in work and other hobbies, because your current relationship feels like too much hard work, or you feel bored? Just because you’re in a relationship, this doesn’t mean your job for finding and creating love is over. Just like exercise training, the more you work out, the more effortless it becomes. The more we create an intimate space with our partners, the more it becomes a part of our life.
- Consider changing your schedule.
- Wake up early so you could finish early.
- Insert time to meet people in your diary
- Scout out different events and sign up for them
2) Being open to receiving love:
For some receiving love feels strange. They believe in their heart they want love, but when it comes down to feeling loved, it feels strange or awkward. People who have had challenging relationships with parents, or who have witnessed challenging relationship role models will often feel subconsciously ambivalent about being open to love. The important thing is to acknowledge that this is a possibility. Without being aware that you have a fear of receiving love, clearing a path to love may be a challenge. So awareness is key!
3) Become more capable of offering love:
This is the other side of the coin of having difficulty with receiving. People who struggle to give love often feel that for some reason there isn’t enough love to go around. Either they fear that if they give to someone else they may not receive love in return, or they fear the deep emotional connection that may result if they do offer love. Emotional depth is an unknown they fear. Either way, fear of giving is an important thing to become aware of as well. If you can relate, it’s time to turn this around!
4) Risk taking
Taking risks can feel scary. Going out of your comfort zone to meet someone new, flirting with someone you don’t really know or with someone you do but haven’t flirted with before, and even sharing your feelings with your already committed partner can feel scary. Weigh up the pros and cons of sharing your feelings. Most people find that taking the risk is always worthwhile. Staying in no mans land means things will stay the same…Boring! Or decline…which is worse!
If fear of change or doing anything that feels slightly uncomfortable for the sake of pursuing love is holding you back, the first step is to become aware that this is what’s really happening. The more aware you are of what’s holding you back, the greater the likelihood that you’ll be able to push through and make the change to invite love in.
What is the greatest risk you have taken for love? I’d love to hear about it…shoot me an e-mail: [email protected]
If you would like to work on your vulnerability muscle, sign up to receive a copy now! Click here:
Couple with balloons about to kiss against buildings backdrop. illustration for Top Tips on How to Consciously Create Love
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