How to Make the Miracle of Love Happen this Chanuka?
I’ve always been fascinated by the story about the miracle of Chanuka! The tiny army of Maccabees beating Antiochus’ strong and mighty army…the pot of oil lighting up the Menorah for 8 days instead of just one!
Many people ask, why don’t miracles like that happen today? But actually, miracles of all sorts can be found everywhere today too.
If you think about it, the fact that we do things at the speeds we do is nothing short of a miracle. Ordering whatever we want and getting it the next day. Things being broken and fixed in a matter of seconds, being in one country one minute and another the next…these are all miraculous albeit expected events.
If we just stop and think about all of these things that were impossible only 100 years ago and how seemingly natural and commonplace they are for us now, it puts into perspective just how much hope and belief there is for the things that are difficult and seemingly impossible for us to come by.
The miracle of love is no less great than being able to find new medical cures, or fly into space. The only difference between the two, is that we expect romantic love to just happen. Because we witness so many falling in love around us, or we watch it in the movies. We have this expectation that love will just happen or it won’t.
Having experienced this for myself and having helped many others; finding true love is no less miraculous, no matter who you are or your life circumstances. When we take love for granted and expect it to happen, this diminishes the miraculous feeling that comes with love.
What makes miracles so exciting and appealing is the fact that we can’t explain them. They just make little sense to the human mind. But one thing that makes the possibility of a miracle more likely is the passion, desire and belief that something greater than ourselves is guiding the process.
When we want something for a long time and don’t get it, some of us start to lose the hope and belief that it will happen. The thing is we don’t have to go back as far in history as the story of the Maccabees to experience miracles. They happen all around us today too. We just aren’t always as primed to appreciate it as today we have so much expectation about how things should work.
Expectations diminish the flow and possibilities of miracles to occur. Because we expect things to just work, we get disappointed when they don’t. Rather than the other way around.
Top tips to make the miracle of love happen!
1) Believe that you’re worthy of love
The more we feel worthy of love, the more others recognize this too. So we need to make sure our feelings of self worth are alive and well to help this along.
2) Believe that love is possible
When our hope for love has been dashed a few too many times, it’s super hard to believe love is out there. What I tell my clients is that the more you’ve experienced love, the easier it should be to believe in love, because you’ve already had a taste of it. As we hold onto those tastes we’ve had in the past rather than let it hold you back, let it guide you. Learn from what didn’t work and make the next love you let in even better!
3) Believe that everyone you meet is in your path for a reason, whether they are the one or not. Learn from them.
Rather than feeling despondent about meeting yet another person who isn’t for you, instead consider what you may offer one another, how you may help one another. Even if they aren’t in your path for love, see what other things you may learn from them. They may have an interesting hobby, philosophy on life, or just offer you a new perspective on something. Hold onto that and appreciate it.
4) When you meet someone new, don’t size them up. Just allow yourself to appreciate their presence and see what emerges.
5) Look out for the positives in the people we meet and from the well-meaning people who attempt to set you up. When we are positive it inspires others to think kindly of us and makes them want to do good things for us. It’s called positive karma, what goes around comes around.
I’d love to hear about some of the miracles you’ve had in your life so drop me a line: [email protected]. The more we recognize how we’ve been blessed the more blessings seem to come our way.
But I’m a Nice Frum Jew…How Can I Flirt?
Flirting may actually be a mitzvah, because it is that thing that may help you create a successful relationship!
What’s the shame about couple’s therapy?
Is shame blocking you from creating a loving marriage or relationship?
Are You Ready to Take a Relationship Risk?
If you never too a relationship risk, you’ll never know what you may have missed out on.
What was the first shadchan thinking?
Shadchans set people up in one of two ways. Either they do this with wanton abandon. Throwing a guy and a girl together because they have some haphazard things in common and, “heck, she’s a girl and he’s a boy.” Or they do tons of research and only set people up when they feel they have a level above a certain threshold in common.
In Parshat Chaye Sarah, the shadchan in the story, Eliezer, is nervous about setting up yitzchak and getting it right. He asks lots of questions about how to know he’s found the one.
It seems that at the start Eliezer very much favors the second more scientific approach to setting people up. He seems so particular about finding just the right one.
But when he’s on the ground doing his field work, everything changes. He seems to throw all caution to the wind and without even trying to start the task. He says to himself the next girl that offers my camels a drink will marry him!
What is going on here?!
Imagine J-Date suddenly abandoned their algorithm and instead put you together with the next person who logs in.
One interpretation is that Eliezer felt he was looking in the right ball park. Meaning, he knew the general location was a good one for finding good women who were appropriate for Yitzchak.
In terms of the choice criteria, offering a drink, Eliezer knew the act of giving is such an essential part of a successful relationship. As long as that element was there, it was enough for him to feel confident he chose a winner.
We often get bogged down by things we think we need from a partner. A good job, good looks, good family, etc.
Sometimes we get so thrown off by people’s insignificant details (arriving a bit late for a date, not saying the exact right thing, not wearing the right thing, ordering the wrong thing) that we miss the essential ingredients that make for a great partnership. Like their ability to give and receive.
It’s interesting that Avraham embodies the midah of chessed and Yitzchak embodies the midah of gevurah. Chessed is about giving and Gevurah is about receiving.
By combining these two midot we have the potential to create the perfect dynamic.
Getting the balance right is a challenge. While deep down we know we want a good give and take balance in our relationship, yet often it seems so obvious that we overlook it.
In the book, “Women who love too much” Robin Norwood addresses women who are very good at forgetting about their needs and give so much to a relationship, there is literally no space for anyone else to give.
These are women (and this goes for men too btw) who were abused or neglected as children and believed the only way for them to receive love is if they behave well and do everything right.
They were never taught by their parents how to give and receive and find a happy balance.
For people who were abused, receiving feels scary and weird because it’s foreign to them. When they date a kind man, who can give, they run a mile. The only kind of person they can feel attracted to is the one model they have of love, an abusive or neglectful one.
If you can relate to being attracted to partners who are either abusive or neglectful, drop me a line and tell me what you would like to do differently in your relationships to get the give and take balance right. Check out my website: www.mickilavinpell.co.il
Is New Always Better?
The media loves bombarding us with the idea that if there is something new out there…it must be a good thing.
A former client, lets call her Shana, dreaded going to parties and having to deal with meeting new people. The minute Shana stepped into the room of a party, her stomach literally began to hurt. Her hands became sweaty and she wanted to jump under the welcome mat.
She preferred sitting at home and reading a book on her own, even if this meant she was alone. Shana never really understood why being in unfamiliar places made her feel queasy.
She just knew that without at least one familiar person, she couldn’t tolerate a new and unfamiliar place.
For her, a new environment means giving up on the known. Not having her security blanket and things that she is familiar with really throws her off track.
For Shana, going on a first date with someone new she never met before, with someone she has no one in common with is torture. She would sooner not be in a relationship and go to the dentist, whom she has known for years for a painful procedure, than have to deal with all that is involved with someone new.
A new first date…
A new pair of shoes…
A new home…
A new job…
What do each of these things have in common, other than the word new?
Each requires an adjustment, involves a bit of pain, and all include change…
As much as we all love the idea of something new…in theory, new alone does not come without its fair share of challenges, grief and even pain.
What Shana discovered through therapy with me was that she still clung to unresolved trauma from dealing with new environments. Her lack of support in dealing with Aliyah as a young girl was now holding her back from dating and meeting new people.
Once Shana became aware of the reason she felt paralyzed in new situations, she was able to break free from her fear and develop new habits that enabled her to embrace them. She was able to feel excited about meeting new people and going to new places.
Just becoming aware of what we’re up against and need to do differently can make all of the difference between remaining stuck in our old space and moving forward.
If you’re feeling stuck and not finding relationships coming easily to you, drop me a line and let me know what you’re struggling with. I always love a good challenge…
Can Love Wait til After the Chaggim?
In Israel this time of year, all anyone hears is that if you want something done, you have to wait until “acharei ha-chag”, or after the holidays. It’s as though all of life stands still until after the chaggim are over. A whole whopping month, knocked out of action!
The thing is there are some things you can’t put on hold, like finding or being in love.
Just this morning, I was on the way to meetings and had a million things to do, because after all Rosh Hashanna is just around the corner. My husband called to say he was in agony as he fell off his bike and landed on his right hand.
Suddenly, it felt like the world stopped. I had to make sure my husband was ok… so I ran to meet him at Terem (Jerusalem’s version of A&E) to be with him at his time of need.
Point is, as inconvenient as it was to put my life on hold at the craziest time of the year, being with him at his time of need trumped everything, because I love him…
Love isn’t always convenient. Many will tell you they found love when they were at the height of being crazy busy with things like work or exams, or when they really weren’t up for it. One client shared with me that she met her husband when she broke her leg on a ski trip (yep, he was the orthopedic surgeon).
The trick for all of us – those already in a relationship and those looking for love – is to be open enough to recognize when love is staring us in the face, so we don’t miss it.
While putting your dating or love life on hold until after the chaggim makes sense, it’s also a terrible idea. Because love is one of those emotions we just don’t have control over. Like when we choose to take our car in for a service, or collecting our check books from the bank, or returning our books to the library, or visiting a sick friend.
As it happens, especially if you’re in Israel, there are so many opportunities to meet new people. Meals, shul, parties, communal events are all great meeting places, that putting your search for love on hold at this time would be a missed opportunity.
Leaving some things to after the chag makes good sense, for example, a new project at work, a new hobby, even a New Year’s resolution, but not your search for love.
If you would like to make sure that this time next year, you are sitting beside the love of your life (but hopefully not in A&E), contact me so that I can help you overcome your relationship barriers and get your love life on track.
Get Your Emotional S#!% Together to Avoid a PLAYER…
A Player will say things to try and make you feel good, because he has his focus set on one thing, and I’m sorry but it isn’t winning your heart!
Why Relationship Therapy When Things are Good is Great!!!
“My relationship is rock solid, what would relationship therapy do for me?”
This is something I hear a lot in my line of work.
Most people believe they should only go to therapy when their relationship is on the rocks. Months and years after trying to sort things out on their own.
Let’s consider how that works. You feel angry at your partner for something they did. You try and tell them, and they don’t respond the way you want them too. So you keep trying all sorts of different ways. You still don’t get the response you want. By this point, you no longer feel angry. You’ve now reached FLAMINGLY FURIOUS!!!!
So now what? Who’s feeling motivated to work on a relationship now? The Answer: “NO ONE!”
Nobody feels motivated to work on a relationship after so much water has schlept under the bridge. And for those of us with poor relationship models and few tools and skills, we’re at a loss. Even for those of us with great skills if only one of us has them, where are we? And throw in the fact that our emotions are all over the place and wreaking havoc, it’s like staring right into the eye of a tornado… Not a pretty sight!
So when is the best time for marriage therapy? It’s when you’re feeling pretty optimistic. This helps in a few ways. First, it ensures that both of you feel motivated to really invest in the relationship. When you’re in giving mode, your both gonna put in your all to make sure your relationship stays on track. Second, people who feel good and secure in their relationship are more receptive and open to ways of maintaining and protecting their relationship. This is the time when marriage and relationship therapy is most potent! Not when you can’t even remember why you chose to marry each other because your so damn angry!
Make a list of all the things you most want to protect about your relationship…I’d love to hear about it!!!! Send them my way: [email protected]