Is Jealousy Stealing your Chance for Love?
For some of us, jealousy and pain rear its ugly green eyes when we see someone we know jump with joy as they get engaged. We want to feel happy for other people’s joy, but sometimes it sits on our own insecurities. It heightens our fears about not achieving what others have. It makes us wonder whether we can have that too.
Jealousy is the kind of pain I very much relate too. Who hasn’t?
Shirley, a client, admitted to me that jealousy is all too real for her as she’s been dating for nearly 10+years. She’s on every Jewish dating site known to man. She’s not picky when it comes to going on dates (she described the level to which she’s willing to be open to someone new) and she attends lots of events. She’s out there doing it all!
“So why isn’t it happening for me?” she says. How much do I have to do already to make it happen?
Shirley’s experience with jealousy is far from unique. It’s a painful story I come across regularly…
The thing that’s particularly bothering Shirley, even more than dealing with jealousy and all that she is doing to partner up, is the fact that everyone else seems to find a partner so easily.
What REALLY goes through Shirley’s mind when she sees yet another friend get ENGAGED?
What Shirley’s really saying is, “I’m so scared I’ll be alone forever.”
Some of us go into panic mode as jealousy shoots through us when we see yet another friend get engaged.
For those of us trying to find love for sooooo long, when we see someone we know get engaged we feel further from rather than closer to finding love.
This is actually counter-intuitive and not helpful thinking. If there’s another guy off the market, then that’s one less guy you have to worry about dating, right?
Shirley, like many others, mistakenly feels that if someone else has him than he must be a good catch.
But if he was really meant for her, what stopped her from seeing him as a viable option before.
The real questions are:
- What’s stopping us from being able to see a good potential partner in all their glory while they’re single and available?
Some of us say we want to marry a nice person, but when that nice person actually comes along, we have doubts. We don’t believe they can really be that great, or we focus on their faults. We do this as a way of protecting ourselves from being with someone who may not be good for us. But in reality it only stops us from seeing possibilities.
We’ve been hurt before and we get scared that the good person will suddenly go bad. Like the others who came before them. So we test them to see how much crap they can take
The one’s with gumption, and self-worth disappear (and rightfully so) to find greener pastures.
Those who don’t value themselves and who are used to being used, taken advantage of or worse being abused, remain. Eventually we see them as weak, lose respect and leave.
Some of us, deep down, really don’t believe that we deserve to be treated that well. or
We tell ourselves the good one will get on our nerves over time. Rather than be able to feel rest assured that being treated well is a good thing, and notice and appreciate this is what we want. And gosh darn it, we deserve it!
- Why do some men (or women) only look good once they’re on someone else’s arm?
Some of us always believe the grass is always greener on someone else’s lawn. Or other people’s toys are better than our own.
For some reason we can’t allow ourselves to believe that when we see a good thing and get it, it’s actually good for us.
There’s something in our make-up that just won’t allow ourselves to be satisfied with Good Enough. So we wait for perfection, which of course never comes (because it doesn’t exist)!
Frustration and tension builds as we continue on our own.
The trick is to allow ourselves to be open to possibilities without compromising our values, or going against our own better judgement.
In this case Shirley believed there are a finite number of possibilities. The belief there are only a certain number of available men, and that she’s met them all, was locking her into a negative holding pattern.
Through relationship counselling Shirley soon discovered that what lay beneath these feelings was a lack of belief she was entitled to good things. She also needed to know there’s more than enough to go around.
Even though there might be a slight skew in numbers of available men and women in the world, things are constantly changing. People are constantly coming in and out of relationships. Some people take more time to mature than others. Change in the world is constant. And this means that possibilities for love are countless and endless.
The more we allow ourselves to feel worthy and alive, the more connected we feel to our inner selves. This then enables us to feel more confident that when we see someone else’s joy we can participate in it more fully. We can know that just as others can feel joy we can too!
Does jealousy or envy sometimes get in your way of love? I hear you loud and clear…Drop me a line and let me know about it…[email protected].
Freedom: Are you single by choice?
We’re surrounded by people in relationships. But not all relationships are created equal. While some appear to be happily coupled, not all are.
Many of us fantasize that life will be better once we’re in a relationship. But all around the world there are couples who remain unhappy.
Where’s the gap? Are so many marrying the wrong one?
Many who haven’t yet chosen a partner claim they aren’t ready or haven’t met the right one. Few will admit they don’t want a relationship altogether.
Lots of people who are partnered up are ill equipped, or not emotionally ready or prepared for what’s involved. After the sparks and fireworks wear off, they’re left feeling deflated and mistakenly believe they married the wrong one.
Few will look inside and ask what they could have done differently to make the relationship work. Less will admit they really don’t want commitment, and never did.
The reason is because it feels wrong to say I don’t want a relationship, or I don’t have all the answers. Many are too scared to say, for now marriage really doesn’t suit me for one reason or another.
Not everyone is in a position to give up their hectic lifestyle to be in a relationship.
Relationships require time and space. If you don’t have this, it’s probably a good idea not to get into a relationship, because you’ll probably just tick off your partner.
To be in a relationship or not, either one requires a conscious choice.
You can feel free in a relationship, or out. What brings a sense of freedom and peace of mind is the conscious choice involved.
If you’ve chosen to be in a relationship, but just haven’t found the one, or the timing isn’t right yet, feel the freedom that you are on a path towards finding what you want.
The journey to finding a partner is longer for some than others. The decision about whether to be in a relationship is your cup of tea is a shorter but even more essential road.
Too many of my clients suffer because they never took the time to reflect on whether being in a relationship is for them. They get into a relationship or remain alone through inertia, and not conscious thought.
This is a pity and needn’t be the case.
From my experience, WHO becomes less of an issue once you’ve chosen the WHY. When you’re clear about why you want in or out of a relationship, the rest falls into place.
If you remain in a place of ambivalence and fear, this is unnecessary torture.
If on the other hand you have chosen to be single, then own it, and be proud of it. There is nothing wrong with this decision, and don’t let society make you think otherwise.
If you aren’t sure where YOU stand, hit reply. I love helping people with difficult decisions like this.
Post Relationship Trauma- Getting to the Other Side
Post Relationship trauma is a common barrier to forming healthy, loving, romantic relationships. To learn more about Post relationship trauma and how to heal from it, read this article.
How to Make the Miracle of Love Happen this Chanuka?
I’ve always been fascinated by the story about the miracle of Chanuka! The tiny army of Maccabees beating Antiochus’ strong and mighty army…the pot of oil lighting up the Menorah for 8 days instead of just one!
Many people ask, why don’t miracles like that happen today? But actually, miracles of all sorts can be found everywhere today too.
If you think about it, the fact that we do things at the speeds we do is nothing short of a miracle. Ordering whatever we want and getting it the next day. Things being broken and fixed in a matter of seconds, being in one country one minute and another the next…these are all miraculous albeit expected events.
If we just stop and think about all of these things that were impossible only 100 years ago and how seemingly natural and commonplace they are for us now, it puts into perspective just how much hope and belief there is for the things that are difficult and seemingly impossible for us to come by.
The miracle of love is no less great than being able to find new medical cures, or fly into space. The only difference between the two, is that we expect romantic love to just happen. Because we witness so many falling in love around us, or we watch it in the movies. We have this expectation that love will just happen or it won’t.
Having experienced this for myself and having helped many others; finding true love is no less miraculous, no matter who you are or your life circumstances. When we take love for granted and expect it to happen, this diminishes the miraculous feeling that comes with love.
What makes miracles so exciting and appealing is the fact that we can’t explain them. They just make little sense to the human mind. But one thing that makes the possibility of a miracle more likely is the passion, desire and belief that something greater than ourselves is guiding the process.
When we want something for a long time and don’t get it, some of us start to lose the hope and belief that it will happen. The thing is we don’t have to go back as far in history as the story of the Maccabees to experience miracles. They happen all around us today too. We just aren’t always as primed to appreciate it as today we have so much expectation about how things should work.
Expectations diminish the flow and possibilities of miracles to occur. Because we expect things to just work, we get disappointed when they don’t. Rather than the other way around.
Top tips to make the miracle of love happen!
1) Believe that you’re worthy of love
The more we feel worthy of love, the more others recognize this too. So we need to make sure our feelings of self worth are alive and well to help this along.
2) Believe that love is possible
When our hope for love has been dashed a few too many times, it’s super hard to believe love is out there. What I tell my clients is that the more you’ve experienced love, the easier it should be to believe in love, because you’ve already had a taste of it. As we hold onto those tastes we’ve had in the past rather than let it hold you back, let it guide you. Learn from what didn’t work and make the next love you let in even better!
3) Believe that everyone you meet is in your path for a reason, whether they are the one or not. Learn from them.
Rather than feeling despondent about meeting yet another person who isn’t for you, instead consider what you may offer one another, how you may help one another. Even if they aren’t in your path for love, see what other things you may learn from them. They may have an interesting hobby, philosophy on life, or just offer you a new perspective on something. Hold onto that and appreciate it.
4) When you meet someone new, don’t size them up. Just allow yourself to appreciate their presence and see what emerges.
5) Look out for the positives in the people we meet and from the well-meaning people who attempt to set you up. When we are positive it inspires others to think kindly of us and makes them want to do good things for us. It’s called positive karma, what goes around comes around.
I’d love to hear about some of the miracles you’ve had in your life so drop me a line: [email protected]. The more we recognize how we’ve been blessed the more blessings seem to come our way.
But I’m a Nice Frum Jew…How Can I Flirt?
Flirting may actually be a mitzvah, because it is that thing that may help you create a successful relationship!
What’s the shame about couple’s therapy?
Is shame blocking you from creating a loving marriage or relationship?
Are You Ready to Take a Relationship Risk?
If you never too a relationship risk, you’ll never know what you may have missed out on.
What was the first shadchan thinking?
Shadchans set people up in one of two ways. Either they do this with wanton abandon. Throwing a guy and a girl together because they have some haphazard things in common and, “heck, she’s a girl and he’s a boy.” Or they do tons of research and only set people up when they feel they have a level above a certain threshold in common.
In Parshat Chaye Sarah, the shadchan in the story, Eliezer, is nervous about setting up yitzchak and getting it right. He asks lots of questions about how to know he’s found the one.
It seems that at the start Eliezer very much favors the second more scientific approach to setting people up. He seems so particular about finding just the right one.
But when he’s on the ground doing his field work, everything changes. He seems to throw all caution to the wind and without even trying to start the task. He says to himself the next girl that offers my camels a drink will marry him!
What is going on here?!
Imagine J-Date suddenly abandoned their algorithm and instead put you together with the next person who logs in.
One interpretation is that Eliezer felt he was looking in the right ball park. Meaning, he knew the general location was a good one for finding good women who were appropriate for Yitzchak.
In terms of the choice criteria, offering a drink, Eliezer knew the act of giving is such an essential part of a successful relationship. As long as that element was there, it was enough for him to feel confident he chose a winner.
We often get bogged down by things we think we need from a partner. A good job, good looks, good family, etc.
Sometimes we get so thrown off by people’s insignificant details (arriving a bit late for a date, not saying the exact right thing, not wearing the right thing, ordering the wrong thing) that we miss the essential ingredients that make for a great partnership. Like their ability to give and receive.
It’s interesting that Avraham embodies the midah of chessed and Yitzchak embodies the midah of gevurah. Chessed is about giving and Gevurah is about receiving.
By combining these two midot we have the potential to create the perfect dynamic.
Getting the balance right is a challenge. While deep down we know we want a good give and take balance in our relationship, yet often it seems so obvious that we overlook it.
In the book, “Women who love too much” Robin Norwood addresses women who are very good at forgetting about their needs and give so much to a relationship, there is literally no space for anyone else to give.
These are women (and this goes for men too btw) who were abused or neglected as children and believed the only way for them to receive love is if they behave well and do everything right.
They were never taught by their parents how to give and receive and find a happy balance.
For people who were abused, receiving feels scary and weird because it’s foreign to them. When they date a kind man, who can give, they run a mile. The only kind of person they can feel attracted to is the one model they have of love, an abusive or neglectful one.
If you can relate to being attracted to partners who are either abusive or neglectful, drop me a line and tell me what you would like to do differently in your relationships to get the give and take balance right. Check out my website: www.mickilavinpell.co.il