Category "Pre-relationship"

Pesach is all about cleaning—getting rid of chametz, scrubbing every corner, and making space for something fresh. But what if we applied that same energy to dating? Just like we search for hidden crumbs, maybe it’s time to clear out emotional clutter and lingering baggage that’s been weighing us down.

Think about your dating life—are you holding onto old stories, past heartbreaks, or limiting beliefs? Maybe you’ve told yourself, I always attract the wrong people, I’ll never find someone who understands me, or I have to settle to make this work. These thoughts are like crumbs stuck in the cracks, small but significant. They shape how we see ourselves and how we approach relationships.

We don’t always realize how much emotional “clutter” we accumulate over time. Maybe you’ve been replaying a failed relationship in your head, wondering what you could have done differently. Or maybe you’ve adopted a more cynical outlook after disappointing experiences, bracing yourself for rejection before giving someone a real chance. Just like Pesach cleaning leads us to check places we normally overlook, this is an opportunity to examine the subconscious fears or insecurities that might be shaping your dating life.

So, this Pesach, let’s do a dating deep clean:

• Identify the chametz. What beliefs, habits, or experiences are you holding onto that no longer serve you? Are you stuck in a cycle of dating people who aren’t right for you? Are you holding onto resentment toward an ex? Sometimes, the biggest thing we need to clean out isn’t external—it’s internal.

• Check for hidden crumbs. Emotional baggage doesn’t always show up in obvious ways. Maybe you find yourself shutting down when someone gets too close, or maybe you overthink every text because of a past rejection. Take some time to notice the subtle patterns that might be affecting your relationships.

• Make space for something new. Cleaning isn’t just about getting rid of the old—it’s about making room for something better. What would it look like to approach dating with fresh energy, open-mindedness, and self-respect? What would happen if you let go of the need to control outcomes and just allowed yourself to enjoy the process?

One of the most powerful parts of Pesach is its theme of liberation. We aren’t just commemorating freedom from physical slavery—we’re reflecting on what it means to be emotionally and spiritually free. The same way Bnei Yisrael had to leave behind everything they knew to step into the unknown, sometimes we have to release old narratives to allow for new possibilities.

So as you’re vacuuming corners and scrubbing counters, take a moment to ask yourself: What do I need to clean out of my dating life to move forward? What thought patterns, habits, or expectations do I need to let go of to create the kind of relationship I truly want? Because just like Pesach reminds us every year, true freedom begins when we let go of what’s been holding us back.

Purim is a celebration of hidden miracles and unexpected heroes. But it’s also a story of messy, imperfect relationships—where love, duty, fear, and courage all blur together. At the heart of it all is Esther: a woman caught between worlds, trying to navigate connections that are anything but simple.

Esther didn’t choose to be queen. She was taken from her home and thrust into a palace where power dynamics overshadowed any sense of genuine connection. Her relationship with Achashverosh wasn’t built on love, trust, or mutual respect. It was complicated, transactional, and left Esther powerless and unseen.

And yet, within that imperfect reality, Esther didn’t lose herself. She didn’t passively accept her situation or ignore the risks around her. Instead, she found a way to reclaim her voice and make choices with intention and purpose. She didn’t stay silent out of fear or convince herself that everything was fine. When Mordechai urged her to speak up, she took time to reflect, gather her courage, and act deliberately.

Courage Amid Complexity

Purim teaches us that relationships don’t have to be perfect to hold purpose and potential. Sometimes we get caught up in thinking that if a relationship isn’t entirely healthy or ideal, it’s not worth our energy. But Esther’s story shows that even when things aren’t perfect, we can still take ownership of our role within them. It doesn’t mean accepting hurt or staying in harmful dynamics—it means choosing how to respond with wisdom and strength.

There’s a difference between tolerating a bad situation and finding a way to navigate it with integrity. Esther knew that Achashverosh’s behavior was problematic, but she didn’t let that reality paralyze her. Instead, she made a plan, took calculated risks, and leaned on her inner strength. She didn’t just react to her circumstances—she rose to meet them.

Owning Our Choices

Not all relationships are meant to last, and not all challenges are worth enduring. But sometimes we hesitate to show up or speak out because we’re waiting for the “right” conditions. Esther teaches us that courage means taking responsibility even when the situation isn’t perfect. It’s about choosing to act with integrity despite feeling uncertain or scared.

This Purim, reflect on the relationships in your life that feel messy or complicated. Instead of writing them off as failures or flaws, ask yourself:

1. How can I reclaim my voice within this dynamic?
2. What choices are mine to make, regardless of how others act?
3. Am I holding back from speaking up because I’m afraid of the outcome?

And if you find yourself stuck or overwhelmed, consider seeking relationship counseling—not because it means admitting defeat, but because it’s a step toward clarity and growth. Sometimes the most courageous thing you can do is ask for help, take ownership of your story, and choose to move forward.

Purim isn’t about accepting imperfection—it’s about celebrating the unexpected ways courage can emerge from chaos. It’s a reminder that even in the most tangled situations, there’s potential for transformation and redemption. Esther’s story isn’t just about surviving a difficult reality—it’s about stepping into a role that seemed impossible and making choices that shaped the future of an entire nation.

This Purim, let’s celebrate the power of resilience, the courage to speak up when it matters, and the wisdom to find purpose even in uncertain times. Just as Esther’s bold choices forever altered the course of history, so too may we summon the strength to transform our own stories, no matter how daunting it may seem. 

We all want to feel heard. Whether it’s a partner, a friend, or a family member, there’s something deeply validating about knowing that someone understands us—not just our words but the emotions and needs behind them.

But what happens when you don’t feel heard? When you leave conversations feeling frustrated, unseen, or misunderstood? It can be one of the most isolating feelings in a relationship.

Here’s the good news: there are ways to help others hear you better, without resorting to blame or frustration.

If you’ve ever felt like:

• The other person interrupts or talks over you.
• They jump to advice instead of listening to what you’re really saying.
• They seem distracted or disengaged.
• They brush off your emotions or tell you to “just relax.”

…you’re not alone. These moments can feel small, but over time, they add up to a bigger issue: disconnection.

Feeling heard starts with how you communicate. Here are some practical tips to make sure your voice is truly being heard in your relationships:

1. Be Clear About What You Need. It’s easy to get frustrated when someone doesn’t “get it,” but often, the problem is that we assume people know what we want. Be upfront. Say, “I don’t need advice right now—I just need to talk this out,” or, “It would really mean a lot if you could just listen for a minute.”

2. Pick the Right Time. If the person you’re talking to is distracted, stressed, or in a hurry, it’s harder for them to listen fully. Say something like, “I need to talk about something important. Is now a good time, or should we find another time?”

3. Speak with Vulnerability. It’s hard to listen when someone’s tone feels accusatory or defensive. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel like I’m not being understood, and it’s hard for me to open up when I feel that way.” Vulnerability invites connection.

4. Notice Who Does Hear You. Sometimes, we spend so much energy trying to get one person to hear us that we forget to appreciate those who already do. If there’s someone in your life who makes you feel seen, lean into that relationship—it’s a gift.
   

What to Do If You Still Don’t Feel Heard

• Pause and Reflect. Is this a one-time issue, or a recurring pattern? If it’s the latter, it might point to a deeper incompatibility in communication styles or emotional priorities.
• Consider Outside Support. If you’re in a relationship and feel like communication is consistently breaking down, talking to a mentor, rabbi, or therapist can help bridge the gap.
• Know When to Walk Away. Feeling heard is a basic emotional need. If someone repeatedly dismisses your feelings or shuts you down, it may be time to reevaluate whether the relationship is serving you.

Reflect on your own relationships. Is there someone in your life who consistently makes you feel heard? Take a moment to appreciate them—maybe even let them know how much that means to you.

And if there’s someone with whom you feel unheard, ask yourself: What’s one small step I can take to change that dynamic? Can I be clearer, more vulnerable, or more patient?

Who do you feel heard by, and what makes them stand out? Let’s talk about it in the comments.

If you’ve been to the grocery store recently, you may have noticed the rising cost of eggs—or worse, an empty shelf where they should be. The egg shortage has forced people to rethink their meals, find creative substitutes, and realize that maybe they were relying too much on one simple ingredient. Funny enough, relationships work the same way. Whether it’s learning how one bad experience can skew our perception or realizing that our ‘must-haves’ in a partner might not be as essential as we thought, the lessons from the egg shortage go far beyond the kitchen.

“The Rotten Egg Effect” 

Ever cracked an egg, only to be hit with a rotten smell that makes you want to throw away the whole carton? It’s unsettling, unexpected, and makes you question the quality of the rest. The same thing can happen in relationships—one toxic experience can leave such a strong impression that it clouds how we approach love moving forward.

Maybe you dated someone who was emotionally unavailable, and now you assume every potential partner will let you down. Or maybe you were in a controlling relationship, and now any request feels like a red flag. The problem? If we let one bad experience dictate our future, we risk pushing away healthy relationships that don’t deserve our skepticism.

The key to moving past the “rotten egg effect” is recognizing that not all relationships—or people—are the same. Yes, patterns exist, and yes, we should learn from our experiences. But healing requires perspective: just because one egg was bad doesn’t mean you swear off omelets forever. Take time to heal, reframe your expectations, and remind yourself that good, healthy relationships do exist—you just have to be open to them.

How to move past the “rotten egg effect”:

• Recognize the pattern, but don’t assume it’s universal. If someone hurt you, reflect on what you need to look out for moving forward, but don’t project their flaws onto someone new.
• Challenge your assumptions. Are you truly seeing red flags, or are you reacting from past wounds? Are you holding back from giving someone a real chance because you’re afraid of repeating history?
• Give yourself permission to start fresh. Healing means allowing yourself to believe in love again. Does finding a bad egg in the supermarket make you assume that your future egg purchases will be similarly tainted? On the contrary! Now you know more about how to spot those rare bad eggs than ever—what they smell like, what they look like—and you are only more confident and better equipped to avoid them in the future.

Rising Without Eggs

Ask any baker and they’ll tell you—eggs are essential. They bind ingredients, add richness, and help everything rise. But when an egg shortage hits, creative bakers don’t throw in the towel—they find alternatives. And guess what? The cake still rises.

The same is true for relationships. We all have “must-haves” when searching for a partner—whether it’s a specific personality trait, lifestyle choice, or background. But sometimes, the things we think are essential aren’t actually deal-breakers.

Maybe you always imagined dating someone extroverted, but the quiet, thoughtful person you’re seeing makes you feel more at peace than anyone else ever has. Maybe you assumed you’d only date within a specific career path, but someone outside of that world brings you a refreshing new perspective. The key is knowing the difference between values that truly matter and expectations that might be holding you back from something great.

Just like a good cake can still be made without eggs, a fulfilling relationship can exist even if it doesn’t check every box on your original list. The question isn’t whether a relationship looks exactly as you pictured—it’s whether it’s bringing you joy, growth, and genuine connection.

How to rethink your relationship ‘must-haves’:

• Differentiate between values and preferences. Core values—like integrity, kindness, and emotional availability—are essential. But surface-level traits, like a specific career path or personality type, might not be as crucial as you think.
• Ask yourself what truly makes you happy. Are you holding onto certain expectations because they actually serve you, or just because they’re familiar?
• Stay open to unexpected possibilities. Sometimes, the best relationships come in packages you never saw coming. The question isn’t whether someone checks all the boxes—it’s whether they make you feel loved, understood, and supported.

The egg shortage might be frustrating, but it’s also a lesson in flexibility. We learn to navigate around scarcity, rethink what’s truly essential, and recognize that one bad egg doesn’t mean the whole system is broken. The same applies to relationships. One negative experience shouldn’t ruin your outlook on love, and a rigid list of ‘must-haves’ might be limiting your chances of finding something truly fulfilling.

So the next time you’re at the grocery store staring at an empty shelf, remember: just like in relationships, your capacity for creativity and adaptability might just surprise you. 

We all think we’re good listeners. But if we’re being honest, how often are we truly present when someone is speaking? In relationships, especially in dating, listening is one of the most underrated skills—and yet, it’s the glue that can hold everything together.

True listening isn’t just about hearing words; it’s about understanding the emotion behind them and making the other person feel safe and valued. It’s what turns surface-level conversations into real connections.

The truth is, most of us don’t listen to understand. We listen to respond. We’re busy preparing what we’ll say next or thinking about how the story relates to us. Add in distractions like phones, stress, or general impatience, and the result is often superficial conversations that don’t deepen the relationship.

But listening—really listening—is about being present in someone else’s world for a moment, even if it’s messy, emotional, or uncomfortable.

Here are a few ways to show up as a listener:

1. Be Fully Present. This sounds simple, but it’s harder than it seems. When your partner (or anyone else) is talking, put down your phone, close your laptop, and make eye contact. Your presence sends the message that they’re important.

2. Listen Without an Agenda. So often, we listen with the intent to reply or solve a problem. But true listening isn’t about fixing—it’s about understanding. Hold back on giving advice unless they ask for it.

3. Reflect Back What You Hear. Sometimes, just saying, “It sounds like you’re really frustrated about work,” or “I hear how much this means to you,” can make someone feel deeply validated.

4. Ask Questions That Show You Care. Move beyond surface-level questions like, “How was your day?” Instead, ask, “What’s been on your mind lately?” or “What’s something you’re excited about right now?”

5. Don’t Interrupt. It’s tempting to jump in when you think you know what someone’s about to say, but resist that urge. Let them finish their thought before responding.

In dating, listening isn’t just a skill; it’s a way to build trust and connection. When you truly listen, you’re sending a powerful message: “I care about your thoughts and feelings. I want to know you.”. We often are over eager to offer unhelpful or unasked for advice because we assume the person sharing with us is looking for some kind of response, some answer that you’re uniquely suited to provide them with. Maybe that’s true, but try entertaining the possibility that all they’re asking from you in the moment is to truly absorb what they’re saying. Whatever they’re choosing to share with you was an intentional decision to communicate a piece of themselves, before jumping in to respond, pause and ask yourself – why are they sharing this with me? What do they want me to understand about them? Not sure? Keep listening!

Listening also helps you understand the deeper layers of someone’s personality—what makes them tick, what they value, and what they need in a relationship. And that understanding is what sets the foundation for something real.