What was the first shadchan thinking?
Shadchans set people up in one of two ways. Either they do this with wanton abandon. Throwing a guy and a girl together because they have some haphazard things in common and, “heck, she’s a girl and he’s a boy.” Or they do tons of research and only set people up when they feel they have a level above a certain threshold in common.
In Parshat Chaye Sarah, the shadchan in the story, Eliezer, is nervous about setting up yitzchak and getting it right. He asks lots of questions about how to know he’s found the one.
It seems that at the start Eliezer very much favors the second more scientific approach to setting people up. He seems so particular about finding just the right one.
But when he’s on the ground doing his field work, everything changes. He seems to throw all caution to the wind and without even trying to start the task. He says to himself the next girl that offers my camels a drink will marry him!
What is going on here?!
Imagine J-Date suddenly abandoned their algorithm and instead put you together with the next person who logs in.
One interpretation is that Eliezer felt he was looking in the right ball park. Meaning, he knew the general location was a good one for finding good women who were appropriate for Yitzchak.
In terms of the choice criteria, offering a drink, Eliezer knew the act of giving is such an essential part of a successful relationship. As long as that element was there, it was enough for him to feel confident he chose a winner.
We often get bogged down by things we think we need from a partner. A good job, good looks, good family, etc.
Sometimes we get so thrown off by people’s insignificant details (arriving a bit late for a date, not saying the exact right thing, not wearing the right thing, ordering the wrong thing) that we miss the essential ingredients that make for a great partnership. Like their ability to give and receive.
It’s interesting that Avraham embodies the midah of chessed and Yitzchak embodies the midah of gevurah. Chessed is about giving and Gevurah is about receiving.
By combining these two midot we have the potential to create the perfect dynamic.
Getting the balance right is a challenge. While deep down we know we want a good give and take balance in our relationship, yet often it seems so obvious that we overlook it.
In the book, “Women who love too much” Robin Norwood addresses women who are very good at forgetting about their needs and give so much to a relationship, there is literally no space for anyone else to give.
These are women (and this goes for men too btw) who were abused or neglected as children and believed the only way for them to receive love is if they behave well and do everything right.
They were never taught by their parents how to give and receive and find a happy balance.
For people who were abused, receiving feels scary and weird because it’s foreign to them. When they date a kind man, who can give, they run a mile. The only kind of person they can feel attracted to is the one model they have of love, an abusive or neglectful one.
If you can relate to being attracted to partners who are either abusive or neglectful, drop me a line and tell me what you would like to do differently in your relationships to get the give and take balance right. Check out my website: www.mickilavinpell.co.il
Why Relationship Therapy When Things are Good is Great!!!
“My relationship is rock solid, what would relationship therapy do for me?”
This is something I hear a lot in my line of work.
Most people believe they should only go to therapy when their relationship is on the rocks. Months and years after trying to sort things out on their own.
Let’s consider how that works. You feel angry at your partner for something they did. You try and tell them, and they don’t respond the way you want them too. So you keep trying all sorts of different ways. You still don’t get the response you want. By this point, you no longer feel angry. You’ve now reached FLAMINGLY FURIOUS!!!!
So now what? Who’s feeling motivated to work on a relationship now? The Answer: “NO ONE!”
Nobody feels motivated to work on a relationship after so much water has schlept under the bridge. And for those of us with poor relationship models and few tools and skills, we’re at a loss. Even for those of us with great skills if only one of us has them, where are we? And throw in the fact that our emotions are all over the place and wreaking havoc, it’s like staring right into the eye of a tornado… Not a pretty sight!
So when is the best time for marriage therapy? It’s when you’re feeling pretty optimistic. This helps in a few ways. First, it ensures that both of you feel motivated to really invest in the relationship. When you’re in giving mode, your both gonna put in your all to make sure your relationship stays on track. Second, people who feel good and secure in their relationship are more receptive and open to ways of maintaining and protecting their relationship. This is the time when marriage and relationship therapy is most potent! Not when you can’t even remember why you chose to marry each other because your so damn angry!
Make a list of all the things you most want to protect about your relationship…I’d love to hear about it!!!! Send them my way: [email protected]
Stellar Relationship Skills From the Start!
Newlyweds classically believe that all they need in marriage is LOVE. They reject learning relationship skills early on because they think, ‘We can deal with anything because we love each other’. They think ‘Why work on a relationship and learn skills for a successful future when we are already a great success together?’. The basic attitude is, love conquers all. We’ll deal with problems when they arise. Of course by then it may be too late.
Love is not enough to keep marriages together. If love were enough there wouldn’t be staggering divorce statistics. When the going gets tough love gets going. Couples are left adrift.
Couples who begin all lovey dovey with stars in their eyes, are blind to the small things that irritate them. It’s inconvenient to focus on the way he slurps his soup, the way she leaves her laundry on the bathroom floor or is perpetually late. Research shows that when couples are engaged, they notice the things they like about their partner. Only once they’re married do they begin to notice the things they dislike. And as we all know it’s the little irritants that accumulate until they become THE issue.
One of the greatest problems that lead to couple meltdown isn’t the problem itself, but rather the delay in seeking help. The reason a couple often wait so long to receive help for their difficulties isn’t because they didn’t know they had issues. Rather, they felt they could deal with these issues by themselves. Only problem is, they lack the skills. They spiral down into dark places where relationships die a speedy death.
By this stage it’s not about the problem anymore. The real issue is the way they’re dealing with it. Emotions like fear, anger and hurt erupt around the problem, spilling over into the relationship, clouding rational judgement. The fight is on! Neither spouse is aware of the deeper, unspoken issues that underlie the foundation of their relationship.
Now we ask, “Where is the love that will rescue this battling couple”? It’s long gone. Love alone can’t save a relationship. If a couple don’t know how to deal practically with conflict and difference, which will inevitably arise in every relationship, their relationship won’t survive.
So contrary to popular thinking, investing in relationship education early on is buying relationship insurance. Pre-marriage education teaches the necessary communication skills and emotional tools to identify and resolve issues that inevitably crop up for every couple. The earlier a couple learns these tools the better. Advisably before the two year mark, by which point most habits become hard wired.
Love is a precious gift at the beginning of every marriage. It’s worth investing and insuring in it so that you can enjoy the happy, long lasting relationship you both deserve.
Which relationship skills do you think will take your relationship to the next level? Email me: [email protected]
Are You Hiding Behind Your Relationship?
Miri shared with me that when and her boyfriend Moshe became serious, he gave her an ultimatum. He told her to either move in before marriage or to end the relationship. Miri said that when this decision was presented to her in this way, she saw only two options. She was completely shocked into submission. She admitted that she had been very smitten by David’s suave personality and good looks. At the age of 30 was frightened to lose him and start over. She made the decision to move in with him, going against her better judgment and desires.
What Miri didn’t realize was that this monumental decision would set the stage for the rest of their relationship and ultimately her marriage.
Rather than take the time to consider what was truly important to her when presented with a different perspective, she gave up on listening to herself because she was paralyzed by fear of losing the relationship. What Miri didn’t realize was that by dismissing her fear she was losing herself and even worse, feeling angry and resentful towards Moshe for making this and other important decisions. She had even convinced herself that her husband was controlling, without realizing that she had given her control away.
Often how a relationship starts is how it will continue if both parts of the couple are not aware of the dynamic of the relationship. Miri spent the better part of her 20 year relationship shrouded in a mask. Putting on a happy front, but pushing her actual feelings and needs aside. Over time, Moshe’s respect for her eroded so significantly that he left her for another woman.
Sadly, this is something that happens to many people who feel scared of standing up for themselves. They wrongly believe that if they actually take a stand, they may end up losing love. What happens in actual fact when we don’t listen to ourselves and stand up for what we really want is that we lose self-respect and begin to believe that we aren’t worthy of it. The message we subconsciously transmit to those around us when we don’t stand strongly behind our convictions is, “I don’t really matter,” or “Your opinion is more worthy than mine”.
The only way to break free from living behind a mask is to first become aware of and take responsibility for your part in the relationship dynamic. You also need to feel the discomfort of not living in your own skin and not feeling strong enough to offer your own opinions. Once you can come to terms with how you feel about living behind someone else’s decisions, and realize that you have been allowing someone else to make decisions for you, only then will you be able to reclaim your power and shift the dynamic so that you can find a happy medium that works best for both you and your partner.
If you are not yet in a relationship and you fear standing up for your thoughts, feelings, beliefs and opinions:
- Ask yourself what is holding you back from stating your convictions? Did someone make you feel that your opinions had little value?
- Were decisions always made for you, so that you never had an opportunity to make decisions?
- Did you make some poor decisions that led you to believe that others’ opinions are more worthy than your own?
If you are married and you struggle to express yourself to your partner:
- Ask yourself what stops you from being able to stand up for yourself in the relationship: Are you scared of losing your partner if your opinions differ?
- Are you afraid of feeling belittled by your partner?
- Are you scared of making decisions that will be detrimental to the relationship?
Whether you are single or married, the key to creating and sustaining a healthy relationship is having two strong individuals that can feel confident in their beliefs and convictions, yet can also create space for alternative opinions. When we allow ourselves to hold on to our fear of losing ourselves and combine this with the belief that everyone has a valid opinion, we can state our opinion clearly and with conviction, while hearing the other and arrive at decisions and conclusions that work for everyone involved.
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