Can Love Wait til After the Chaggim?
In Israel this time of year, all anyone hears is that if you want something done, you have to wait until “acharei ha-chag”, or after the holidays. It’s as though all of life stands still until after the chaggim are over. A whole whopping month, knocked out of action!
The thing is there are some things you can’t put on hold, like finding or being in love.
Just this morning, I was on the way to meetings and had a million things to do, because after all Rosh Hashanna is just around the corner. My husband called to say he was in agony as he fell off his bike and landed on his right hand.
Suddenly, it felt like the world stopped. I had to make sure my husband was ok… so I ran to meet him at Terem (Jerusalem’s version of A&E) to be with him at his time of need.
Point is, as inconvenient as it was to put my life on hold at the craziest time of the year, being with him at his time of need trumped everything, because I love him…
Love isn’t always convenient. Many will tell you they found love when they were at the height of being crazy busy with things like work or exams, or when they really weren’t up for it. One client shared with me that she met her husband when she broke her leg on a ski trip (yep, he was the orthopedic surgeon).
The trick for all of us – those already in a relationship and those looking for love – is to be open enough to recognize when love is staring us in the face, so we don’t miss it.
While putting your dating or love life on hold until after the chaggim makes sense, it’s also a terrible idea. Because love is one of those emotions we just don’t have control over. Like when we choose to take our car in for a service, or collecting our check books from the bank, or returning our books to the library, or visiting a sick friend.
As it happens, especially if you’re in Israel, there are so many opportunities to meet new people. Meals, shul, parties, communal events are all great meeting places, that putting your search for love on hold at this time would be a missed opportunity.
Leaving some things to after the chag makes good sense, for example, a new project at work, a new hobby, even a New Year’s resolution, but not your search for love.
If you would like to make sure that this time next year, you are sitting beside the love of your life (but hopefully not in A&E), contact me so that I can help you overcome your relationship barriers and get your love life on track.
Get Your Emotional S#!% Together to Avoid a PLAYER…
A Player will say things to try and make you feel good, because he has his focus set on one thing, and I’m sorry but it isn’t winning your heart!
Finding Love with Serendipity…
Most of us would prefer to find love with help from serendipity! No one really likes to be “fixed up.”. Even the very expression belies the negativity of the whole event. Cars and old tv’s get “fixed up.” That’s because they are broken down. To fix up a person with someone else somehow implies that he/she is not working right and needs some work done to them. The average person would much rather find their true soulmate on their own and not through a third party… no matter how reliable the friend. While girls are probably more likely to admit it, even guys, if pressed, would prefer the “romantic” way of meeting someone.
Maybe it’s the novels we read or the movies we watch. Those portray the exceptional romantic encounter that leads to true love… the goal most of us aspire in forging a relationship.
Perhaps there is something to the notion of serendipity. That discovery that happens when we’re least expecting it. So many important discoveries and inventions just happen while the scientist was really looking for something else. A surprising number of the conveniences of modern life were invented when someone stumbled upon a discovery or capitalized on an accident: the microwave oven, safety glass, smoke detectors, artificial sweeteners, X-ray imaging. Many blockbuster drugs of the 20th century emerged because a lab worker picked up on the “wrong” information.
No one knows what elements go into the creative process of making such discoveries by chance, but if we did, my, what great inventions could be found! In the same sense, this “mystery” that we call “falling in love” could be explored, quantified, bottled, and produced so that more, better and longer lasting relationships could be produced, leading to a profound change in society itself.
Alas, such a pursuit in discovering this serendipitous mystery is itself self-defeating. For like so many of the important things in life it does take much knowledge, skill, work, and effort to achieve success, but there is always the X-factor that makes for a real break-through. Some will call it fate. Others call it G-d. Scientists might call it serendipity. From my limited experience, it is when one is least expecting it, that great things can result.
So when it comes to great discoveries in science as well as matters of the heart, it is probably best to “leave a little to G-d”.
Where would you most appreciate the love of your life showing up? How do you imagine you will recognize it? Email me: [email protected]
Great Date Expectations- What’s Allowed?
Everyone is looking for “THE ONE”. Looking for “THE ONE” means that you’re probably carrying around a list of what you expect from your dream partner. Someone good looking, smart, kind and of course some one who makes us laugh. Some of us have subconscious expectations that are getting in the way of making our relationship dreams a reality…
From the minute we enter this world we start creating a subconscious laundry list of partner expectations. Our list is influenced by the way we grow up. Watching Disney movies, fairy tales, and even witnessing our parent’s relationship, all influences how we think our partners should be. What most of us don’t realise is that there are so many subconscious, hidden expectations of our potential spouse, that we aren’t even aware of what they might exactly be.
When it comes to dating, making sure that we date someone who really matches our expectation level, in a realistic way, means being super clear with ourselves about how we want a relationship to look.
We need to be realistic about what we have to offer. We can’t expect to marry a super model when we look like Hulk’s brother. We need our expectations to be grounded in some form of reality. Is it a fair expectation for your dates to always be happy, if we occasionally feel down? Can we really expect our dates to always have interesting things to say? Do we always have interesting things to say? Can we expect our dates to have completely secure jobs? What field in this day and age is completely secure and without the potential for a down turn?
On the other hand just because we have a great career, doesn’t mean we can’t be with someone who’s less educated but has other interests and who has a great sense of self and lots of presence to offer a relationship. How many times have the very people who would never have been a suitable partner, turned out to be ‘THE ONE’, because they offer the complimentary attributes that complete the other person.
Being too overly focused on expectations whether you are in a relationship or wanting to be in a relationship, can make being in a relationship or getting into one feel like too much hard work. It takes the magic out of being with the ‘other’ who can teach you new aspects about life and yourself, that you’d never have if you only dated according to your strict expectations.
I advise my clients to manage their expectations. Work on their confidence and their ability to be there for themselves. So that they can bring their whole selves to their dates with clear expectations of what they want in the relationship. And to always date with an openness to moving beyond their expectations into the reality of who the other person is, which may be just what they need.
Want to find out if your expectations are realistic? Email me: [email protected].
Getting the Delicate Balance between Giving and Taking in Relationships Right
Shoshana was furious that her boyfriend seemed to be much more giving to his friends than to her. Her boyfriend Moshe bought his friends tickets to the football, and often bought his friends gifts. Moshe found it difficult to give to his girlfriend because he saw her as an extension of himself. He wasn’t used to receiving from his parents, as he often felt like an after-thought. As much as he wanted to give to her, he was overly focused on what she was doing or not doing for him. It was as though he was only giving as an exchange for something else. They got into a difficult dynamic whereby no one wanted to budge on the giving and receiving.
What makes giving difficult?
We can’t give if we haven’t been on the receiving end. If we have a difficult time trusting that giving is coming from a good place. That our partner isn’t out to get us. That their intentions are well founded.
When we make giving an accounting act, it turns the relationship into a chess game where each one waits for the other to make a move.
It is also difficult to give, if we can’t receive. It is hard for us to understand why the other person needs to receive if we don’t have that same need.
The giving and receiving dynamic is an important one to get right from the beginning. Generosity is a quality that makes people feel nurtured and held. By withholding, each becomes suspicious of one an others intentions which stops them from feeling comfortable and safe in the relationship.
What it means to balance giving and taking
-Not taking account of whose turn it is to give
-Focus on what you can give and how this fits in with what your partner needs from you to feel safe
-Making sure that you can also receive and that when you do, this is done wholeheartedly
-Ensure that there is a strong culture of giving and receiving beyond material objects – more emotionally and physically
A great book that can help with this is the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. He explains all of the ways that we give enjoy giving and receiving love.
Send me an email and let me know i you find giving or receiving more difficult: [email protected].
How to Write a Killer Online Dating Profile!
While online dating isn’t the most ideal way to meet the love of your life, it is the preferred method at the moment. We all complain we are time poor and have heard stories about how our best friends and Auntie Sophie met the loves of their life through online dating. It is hard to imagine that people actually had relationships before the year 2000, when the world’s first online dating site J-Date launched. Since then, all sorts of dating sites have graced the internet. OK Cupid, E-harmony, Match.com and several others have taken the dating world by storm. There are many Jewish Online dating sites that have different spins on how they work. Saw you at Sinai, Zivug Zone, Shlish Gan Eden, Shadchanet and Two Become one are just a few. Watch this space for an upcoming article for an analysis of which sites are best for you.
Seeing as how I work with lots of my clients on ways to meet potential dates creating a good online dating strategy is essential. Having done lots of research on what works here are a few of my top tips to consider.
Top Tips that will make your online dating profile stand out and attract the kind of person you are looking for…
– Let them know what you are looking forward to contributing to a relationship. This sends the message that you are a giver, which is a very attractive feature.
(e.g., looking forward to baking cookies for them or with them, giving foot massages, creating romantic memories, etc)
– Don’t just say what you like to do – demonstrate it. Too many people say that they love to do chessed (charity), or that they are very chill (when often they are uptight but wish they were chill…). If you can instead share a brief story about how you laugh off a stressful situation, or how you make time daily to chill (i.e. how you nurture and look after yourself), this shows that you really value yourself which again is a very attractive quality.
– Never say you have a sense of humor. Show it instead. Tell a funny story that shows you in a good light. Show how you have a lighter side. Everyone’s sense of humor is different. Demonstrate how yours’ is unique and attract someone who enjoys your style.
– If you are an introvert and want to attract someone who gets this about you, say how you enjoy sharing lots of one-on-one time with the important people in your life. The message will be made clear without hammering it home. If you are an extrovert, share how you love making others laugh at a party, how you love making introductions and connections between people.
Really let yourself shine either way.
– Demonstrate that you can think of others beyond yourself. This is super attractive. Talk about the time your nephew was sick for days and how you pitched in and sent your sister and brother-in-law off for the night so that you could bond with your nephew and give your siblings the restful night they needed.
– Show off your personality through what you do regularly combined with what you wish you could do if you didn’t have a day job. Talk about your hopes and dreams. Throw in a few fantasies. For example, “If I wasn’t so busy lawyering, I would be getting my hands dirty in a beautiful garden, with the sun beating down on my back.” Or “While I love crunching numbers, I would be communing with gorillas in Africa”.
– Make your online-profile sensory. Give the reader a feel and taste for what you are about. This will make you come alive- which is super attractive. Talk about how you love the feeling of walking on wet moss. When you take walks on the beach, talk about how you love the feel of sand tickling your toes, the feel of the wind in your hair and the sun warming your body. When you cook dinner, talk about how you love the smell of the zatar and oregano in the stir fries you make.
– When it comes to commenting on your religious level, consider whether you really need someone who is exactly the same religious level. You don’t have to be exactly the same, but attract someone who is open and willing to respect the way you do things. Even if you were to find someone exactly like you religiously, I guarantee you may find you have to compromise on a value that may be even more important like how you communicate, or spend time or money.
– Rather than saying you go to shiurim or learn Torah regularly, consider sharing something you have learned recently that really excited you or that made you feel alive. Sharing is caring, and everyone wants to be with someone who cares.
– Although you may wish to convey that you are a serious person, be sure to show off your lighter side as well. Every relationship requires flexibility and lightness, especially when things get serious- and trust me, they do!
Although many people write almost nothing in their profile, this doesn’t mean that you have to be equally phlegmatic. Writing a great profile is another opportunity to potentially connect with someone who is right for you. If you take the opportunity to invest in considering who you are, what makes you tick and convey this in a humorous way to potential dates that may connect well with you, hey, you never know. Life is full of surprises. There is no better way to meet someone than by surprise!
By taking the minimal risk of sharing some important parts of who you are online, you may find it pays off. If you don’t put your best foot forward and at least try, you will never know what you may have missed out on.
As the saying goes: You gotta be in it to win it!!!
Which online dating site do you feel matches you best? Email me and let me know: [email protected]
Why Make Your Online Dating Profile Stand Out?
I hear lots of complaints, “why should I even bother making an effort with my online dating profile”? Whether or not everyone makes an effort to write a profile isn’t really the point. Writing a decent online dating profile actually can do a lot of good for you.
It is a space to help you crystalise in written form who you are, what you have to offer and what you are looking for.
It sends a message that you take yourself seriously. Taking time to fill out the online dating profile well sends that message.
When you make an effort, others will too. When one person starts taking their online dating profiles seriously it inspires others to do the same.
– A well written online dating profile separates you from the rest. If everyone else says little about themselves, you will stand out as the person who takes the time to show themselves.
– Having a well written online dating profile gives people looking at your profile something to sink their teeth into. Content creates an opportunity for people to chat with you about something that you are passionate about. They can use your content to hit the ground running by connecting with you about something you really care about.
– It helps you to distinguish between people who are reading your online dating profile and those who aren’t. What I mean is, people who are reading your profile, vs just looking at your photo will make references to things you write, when they try to chat with you. (If you are reading all of this, I am going to assume you also want to be with a partner who reads!).
-Having a well written profile saves you time in the long run. If someone starts up with you that appears very wrong for you, you can say, take a look at my profile and then let me know if you are interested in continuing. It is a pretty bold move, that enables the other person to know you won’t be messed with.
I have read many poorly written profiles. Even if people write a lot, but saying nothing, they aren’t inviting. A poorly written profile has the potential to invite the wrong person in, which may even be worse than no person. If you were applying for a job, surely you would spend many hours tweaking your cv. And that is just for a crappy job that will probably last a year or two. Online dating profiles are about trying to land your life partner (presumably), so shouldn’t you consider investing a fair amount of time on it?
What is your Best Feature that you need to focus on in your online dating profile? Email me at [email protected].
Top Tips to Get A Conversation Rolling on the First Date
Here are a few great tips to get conversations rolling on first dates better…It can also land you a first date…
Are You Hiding Behind Your Relationship?
Miri shared with me that when and her boyfriend Moshe became serious, he gave her an ultimatum. He told her to either move in before marriage or to end the relationship. Miri said that when this decision was presented to her in this way, she saw only two options. She was completely shocked into submission. She admitted that she had been very smitten by David’s suave personality and good looks. At the age of 30 was frightened to lose him and start over. She made the decision to move in with him, going against her better judgment and desires.
What Miri didn’t realize was that this monumental decision would set the stage for the rest of their relationship and ultimately her marriage.
Rather than take the time to consider what was truly important to her when presented with a different perspective, she gave up on listening to herself because she was paralyzed by fear of losing the relationship. What Miri didn’t realize was that by dismissing her fear she was losing herself and even worse, feeling angry and resentful towards Moshe for making this and other important decisions. She had even convinced herself that her husband was controlling, without realizing that she had given her control away.
Often how a relationship starts is how it will continue if both parts of the couple are not aware of the dynamic of the relationship. Miri spent the better part of her 20 year relationship shrouded in a mask. Putting on a happy front, but pushing her actual feelings and needs aside. Over time, Moshe’s respect for her eroded so significantly that he left her for another woman.
Sadly, this is something that happens to many people who feel scared of standing up for themselves. They wrongly believe that if they actually take a stand, they may end up losing love. What happens in actual fact when we don’t listen to ourselves and stand up for what we really want is that we lose self-respect and begin to believe that we aren’t worthy of it. The message we subconsciously transmit to those around us when we don’t stand strongly behind our convictions is, “I don’t really matter,” or “Your opinion is more worthy than mine”.
The only way to break free from living behind a mask is to first become aware of and take responsibility for your part in the relationship dynamic. You also need to feel the discomfort of not living in your own skin and not feeling strong enough to offer your own opinions. Once you can come to terms with how you feel about living behind someone else’s decisions, and realize that you have been allowing someone else to make decisions for you, only then will you be able to reclaim your power and shift the dynamic so that you can find a happy medium that works best for both you and your partner.
If you are not yet in a relationship and you fear standing up for your thoughts, feelings, beliefs and opinions:
- Ask yourself what is holding you back from stating your convictions? Did someone make you feel that your opinions had little value?
- Were decisions always made for you, so that you never had an opportunity to make decisions?
- Did you make some poor decisions that led you to believe that others’ opinions are more worthy than your own?
If you are married and you struggle to express yourself to your partner:
- Ask yourself what stops you from being able to stand up for yourself in the relationship: Are you scared of losing your partner if your opinions differ?
- Are you afraid of feeling belittled by your partner?
- Are you scared of making decisions that will be detrimental to the relationship?
Whether you are single or married, the key to creating and sustaining a healthy relationship is having two strong individuals that can feel confident in their beliefs and convictions, yet can also create space for alternative opinions. When we allow ourselves to hold on to our fear of losing ourselves and combine this with the belief that everyone has a valid opinion, we can state our opinion clearly and with conviction, while hearing the other and arrive at decisions and conclusions that work for everyone involved.
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