If Love is Blind, why jump the gun and tie the knot?
The Concept of love being blind originates from the Shakespearian play, Two Gentleman of Verona. The notion that when we are in love the rational part of our brain switches off and we aren’t operating with a full deck of cards so to speak has been substantiated in research studies.
The premise of the Netflix series “Love is Blind” ([prdiced by Kinetic Content and created by Chris Coelen) is that people date without seeing each other for a period of 10 days. During that period romantic and emotional attachments develop. It’s a cute concept that has lots of appeal and turns the whole notion that we go for people because of superficiality alone on its head.
Where this concept makes a wrong turn, in my opinion, is in forcing the couple to decide to marry by the end of a month. In other words, the couple date for 10 days, then go on a honeymoon for a few days and “prepare for the wedding” (which really involves just choosing and tailoring an outfit) over the course of two weeks. The couple introduce their fiancé to their friends and family (assuming they want to be involved and vice versa). A few parents tellingly declined meeting their potential new son or daughter-in-law in this series. The “experiment” would have had significant enough merit had the couple simply decided to carry on developing a relationship and allowing things to unfold after meeting one another, in the flesh, without the ceremony. Forcing the couple to go along with the ceremony is a bit much. It may be emotionally damaging to force a person to decide to marry in such a short period of time. Emotions are high and all over the place as the pressure to decide is on. While this might be considered normal in ultra-orthodox Jewish circles, for the run of the mill American, this is far from usual.
What may be learned from “Love Is Blind” was that deeper emotional connections may flourish when physicality doesn’t get in the way. For true feelings of love to develop, perhaps meeting blind may serve a purpose. We saw several instances after the couples left the pods where they were able to deepen conversations when they didn’t see one another. Something about seeing one another in the flesh gets in the way of thinking clearly. Perhaps our brain becomes overloaded by visual stimuli when we are trying to express ourselves deeply to someone we’ve developed an emotional attachment towards.
There would have been a chance for greater success if the following would have been incorporated:
- They would have been more open to deal with differences and be patient enough to talk calmly.
- They would have been more capable of being responsible about sharing their feelings openly and in a non-threatening way.
- They would have come into this after having dealt with their attachment wounds (meaning they have done some therapy to heal their wounds from childhood).
- They would have been encouraged to have conversations about things that really matter.
- What about the participants?
Gianina and Damian: In the pod, both were on their best behavior. They never shared anything too deep or personal. The minute the proposal was made in real life and accepted (proposal #2 that is, the first was when they still couldn’t see one another) Gianina shares with Damian that she sabotages every relationship and hoped this wouldn’t happen here. While she acknowledges and accepts this is what she does, she doesn’t fully take ownership for it. Rather she states this as a matter of fact. “This is how I am, take it or leave it.” (She doesn’t state this, but it is implied) Damian feels tremendous pressure each time Gianina does in fact throw a temper tantrum and blocks the way for healthy adult conversation. This leaves him feeling insecure about their future. He attempts to raise conversations about this yet, is still left feeling uncertainty about her ability to see him and acknowledge his needs in this relationship.At the alter, he is very emotional, which one may read as feeling lots of love. To everyone’s surprise Damian says “I don’t” when the pastor asks whether he will have her hand in marriage. Gianina is completely shocked and blindsided. Understandably so. Damian, it appears, gave her no heads up that he was unsure about continuing with the wedding. The very fact that he got dressed and looked his best, walked down the aisle with friends in tow, gave all of us every indication it was a goer. Most importantly Gianina believed it was going ahead. Of course, she was gut wrenched he hadn’t chosen to carry on.
For this particular relationship to have been able to move on successfully, it would have required lengthy conversations about their belief system, their vision for their future and good communication skills. Not to mention, a healthy dose of emotionally focused couples therapy which would have unearthed both of their triggers. It would have helped Gianina to understand what causes her to sabotage relationships and Damian to feel compassion for her. This would have enabled Gianina to feel more safe sharing her feelings, which would have encouraged her to do so in a gentler way that Damian could hear. Damian would have been able to safely express (without being shot down because he did try to do this on his own) how he feels when Gianina says things that bring him down. She could have responded in kind. The whole dynamic could have changed.
Kelly and Kenny: Throughout their time together they were depicted as a very in-sync well- adjusted couple. Kelly appeared to be crazy about Kenny and seemed to openly share her feelings and to express what she wanted and needed from Kenny. Kenny was clearly smitten as well. I think it came as a shock to all of us that she decided not to go ahead. Although Kenny appeared cool as a cucumber even minutes after being rejected, he was clearly hurt when he walked away and didn’t want the camera in his face any longer. Kelly shared with the camera that she didn’t feel as excited as she has felt in the past with her last boyfriend. I believe she used the word “infatuated.” I don’t believe anyone thinks infatuation is a good recipe for marriage. But for some reason, she does. As a result she decided to end things. Now, I could understand if she isn’t 100% sure about marrying him. But surely she could have said, “I love you very much and just need more time for things to develop.” As opposed to all out rejecting him.
This relationship could have survived had Kelly had a reality check with a relationship expert somewhere along the way. Expecting to feel infatuation is something high school romances are made of. They have little to no place in a healthy grown up relationship. The whole notion of infatuation implies people are being objectified. If that were the case this would imply, they aren’t really being seen. In my opinion things were a bit too real for Kelly.
Jessica and Mark: Jessica initially broke up with Mark when she though Barnett was a serious candidate. As soon as Barnett dumped her, she jumped back into Mark’s arms and acted as though she was happy to have him all long. Jessica seemed very excited about Mark at first. Despite her constant reservations about him being 10 years her junior (which, btw suits her perfectly being that her behavior throughout was rather immature), she held him at arms distance throughout the next 2-week period. She admitted reservations to the camera about Mark’s physique. They had some good serious conversations where she poured out her heart and told Mark she felt very connected to him. These conversations always took place with a wall between them. It was as if they couldn’t have real conversations while looking at one another. The physical differences (from Jessica’s side) never seemed to resolve. Perhaps this is because she clung to physicality as a necessity above and beyond their emotional connection. Just before the wedding she tells the video camera how much she loves and cares about Mark. This was probably done to make the viewers think this was a done deal. We don’t question her intentions as Jessica goes through the motions of hair and make-up. Seeming all excited with “her girls”. We never meet any of her family, possibly because they are in Chicago, but who knows. When Jessica rejects Mark’s proposal, we aren’t entirely shocked (he semi-prepared himself as he told his friends just before the ceremony and she’d been to-ing and fro-ing about Barnett the whole time). What particularly bothered me about her rejection was that she said “no” in an almost emotionless and calculated way. As though she had come to this decision from a place of considerable thought. Even if she had to go through with the ceremony, she still could have tipped Mark off so he wouldn’t have been as gutted. Mark, understandably was heart broken. I think we all wanted to hug him as we watched him curl up in his Mom’s lap. (Who doesn’t love a Mommy’s boy?). Once again, this painful rejection at the alter was gratuitous and unnecessary. If Jessica truly loved him, and saw this as a possibility why did the alter have to be an all out rejection? Why couldn’t it be used as an opportunity to admit you love one another, but realize there is more to learn about each other before making this serious commitment. Continue to date and let the relationship unfold.
For this relationship to stand a chance, Jessica would need to do substantial work on her abandonment issues, which are clearly getting in her way towards commitment. She has had to deal with considerable abandonment as a young girl as she admitted to Mark, her mother was abandoned by her father while she was pregnant with her. Her mother remarried a man who then adopted her when she was 4. They eventually divorced and it was very painful for her. It’s hard to imagine how, with so much pain, she could really trust a man. Without really unearthing this and healing these wounds I fear she will be alone a lot longer. This relationship could survive if:
- Jessica takes ownership of her commitment issues and deals with them.
- Mark takes Jessica off her pedestal and sees her for who she really is. A flawed human, like we all are.
- Couples therapy to help them discuss their life goals and dire
Barnett and Amber: Amber consistently expressed her love for Matt. Matt, on the other hand, seemed to connect strongly with half the women there. He was primarily torn between Jessica and Amber, and LC. But soon enough landed on Amber. Ironically, her story about her abortion seemed to grab him, and enabled him to seal the deal with her. Barnett seems drawn to women with drama and likes to be that strong Southern man who saves the day. He soon finds out how much saving he will have to do when he finds out about Amber’s significant student loans and credit card debt. Throughout the Mexican trip the couple seem very connected and thrilled about their decisions. We only sense a shadow of doubt the morning of the wedding, when Amber doesn’t hear from Barnett all morning and panics. With the long pause between the pastor’s question about taking her hand in marriage and Barnett’s response, we are left wondering. But breathe a sigh of relief, when he says yes. Although he didn’t shame her by rejecting her publicly, we are still left to think this couple have a long road ahead when it comes to communicating about expenses and other important things. We’ve seen Amber be vulnerable and share a lot with Barnett. We have not seen Matt share as much in return. We are left wondering whether he has any dark shadows. And even if he doesn’t, will he get tired of cleaning up her emotional mess?
This couple will only survive with good financial coaching and help with creating and sticking to a budget, realistic ideas about their life goals, and good couples therapy that will help Barnett share his feelings more. While it hasn’t bothered Amber yet, it will eventually bother her that she is the only one being vulnerable.
Cameron and Lauren: This is the golden, can do no wrong couple. Interestingly, they are the first to get engaged. There is never a shadow of a doubt that they are in love. The only scary bit is when Cameron meets Lauren’s father and has to prove his love and intentions with his daughter. It’s no surprise to any of us they seal the deal. Of course, other than their differences regarding race, which appears to be a non-issue on both sides. We are left to wonder how they will deal with differences of opinion and other big things as they arise.
This couple should consider couples therapy to feel safe sharing the more difficult stuff and to help build good boundaries between themselves and Lauren’s father.
Carlton and Diamond: I very nearly forgot about this couple who got “engaged” but broke up very swiftly after as Carlton shoved his bisexuality down her throat. While I have lots of compassion for his being rejected over the years for this predicament, he will receive much more acceptance as soon as he accepts himself. Diamond seemed open to dealing with it and would have been open to discussing this more had he been more secure with himself. Sadly, he wasn’t. His behavior truly sabotaged the relationship. At least this train wreck crashed early.
Conclusions
Basically, the show answers the question: “Can attraction be developed blind. It doesn’t solve the life-long question: “Can love last when it starts out blind”? One wonders what the vetting process involves (apart from good looks, which is as shallow and simplistic as it gets). If the wedding ceremony didn’t have to be so final, it may have been less dramatic, but more emotionally fair. If the couple received some couples counselling and pointers about what to discuss, the show would have actually been more interesting and fruitful.
To check out more on building your love and keeping it alive check out my other blogs, vlogs and podcasts on www.mickilavinpell.co.il
Asking Forgiveness to Keep Your Love Burning Strong!!!
Asking for forgiveness is super hard for many people. It is the epitome of vulnerability. It means that you have to be super humble, shrink down to your most ego free self and admit that you made a mistake, even if you don’t feel you did.
What makes asking for forgiveness so hard?
What gets so many people in a twist about asking for forgiveness is the very fact that they don’t believe they did anything wrong. Your intentions and your heart were in the right place, you just misunderstood how your actions might affect the person who’s most important to you.
Also, many people haven’t been taught forgiveness. When your parents made mistakes, they may not have asked you for forgiveness. Or they might have held grudges against one another. For people who haven’t experienced the concept of forgiveness firsthand, or for those who’ve even been punished for admitting they made a mistake, asking forgiveness is definitely not on their radar.
The biggest fear people have about asking for forgiveness from a loved one is that rather than feeling grateful for recognizing an error has been made they instead will blame and shame.
Years ago a couple I’ll refer to as Martha and Sam had an issue with forgiveness. Martha through a 30th birthday party for Sam not long after they got married. Little did she know that Sam wasn’t big on birthdays, but even more than that she didn’t realize he didn’t like big parties with lots of attention.
While Sam managed to suck up his disappointment for the majority of the evening, Martha knew he wasn’t being himself. As soon as the last guest left the party Sam told Martha he doesn’t enjoy birthday parties and to never throw him a birthday party again.
No One Owns Real Estate on Pain!
Martha was super hurt, obviously as she had gone to such efforts to make this a really fun party for him and all of his friends. Not only did she not receive a thank you, but she also got a slap in the face.
Both Sam and Martha were left feeling very raw after this event, that should have been a fun and momentous occasion.
Asking for forgiveness was definitely not on their radar!
Neither of them could come down from their feelings to apologize to the other. Martha felt not only did she not deserve a telling off, but more-over she deserved high praise. Sam felt upset that Martha didn’t know him well enough to know this was not something that would make him happy.
Each felt their pain was greater than the other and neither was willing to admit their actions had caused the other pain. Even though it was unintentionally.
As time work on they stopped enjoying each other’s company because they held a grudge they weren’t willing to let go of.
Letting Go is Essential to Seeing someone else’s pain
It wasn’t until they finally came to therapy that they were willing to see things from a different perspective and willing to let go of their bruised egos and apologize and ask forgiveness from one another.
Once they asked for forgiveness and genuinely were able to understand one another’s perspectives were they willing to let things go and allow one another back into their hearts.
They both endured a lot of unnecessary suffering, however this experience taught them that by taking a step back, seeing their partner’s perspective and letting go they could build their love much better than before.
To check out more on building your love and keeping it alive check out my other blogs, vlogs and podcasts on www.mickilavinpell.co.il
Avoid Inflicting Pain on Your Love…
When we feel low or in pain, we 
over focus on what is wrong in our relationship. It’s ironic how easy it is to see how others hurt us, but much more difficult for us to see how we are co-contributors of pain.
When we feel sad, in order to strengthen our relationships and avoid causing more pain, we choose a different reaction than our usual one. Start by checking in with our partners from time to time to see how they are feeling. This is a great way to make them feel upbeat and optimistic too and reduce the possibility of causing unnecessary pain.
Checking in may feel strange, but by doing this we achieve so much:
1) We show our partners how much we really care about them.
2) We can learn how they want to be treated.
3) By asking what they want we model for them how to care about what we want because all relationships are reciprocal and dynamic.
Doesn’t Asking Make us Look Weak?
When we admit we don’t fully understand our partner it shows we really care. Admitting we don’t know something requires us to be vulnerable. By finding out what works for them directly we both hit the nail on the head for them while inspiring them to do the same for us.
I’d like to know what sorts of things you’d like your partner to know about you? Drop me a line: [email protected]
Want to Reignite Your Commitment to Love?
With the holiday of Shavuot coming up, being known as the holiday the Jewish people committed to keeping the laws of the Torah (and for some a massive cheesecake fest), it got me thinking about the way many of us commit to romantic relationships.
As many of you know, when the Torah was offered to the Jewish people, we responded instantly without any hesitancy, “Naaseh, v’Nishma.” We will do and we will hear.”
In other words, we will do as we are told and find out the details later.
Sounds a bit nuts as this wasn’t a small matter to agree to. It begs the question, “What made the Jewish people so agreeable so easily, especially to something so hard? ”
When you think about the relationship between G-d and His people, from the time He performed the plagues…through to parting of the Red Sea and leading them to freedom…helping them survive in the desert by providing manna and water…saving them from various enemies, it actually makes sense.
Was the love between G-d and HIS People Taken for Granted?
G-d displayed an unwavering love towards HIS people. Why would the Jewish people think for a moment that the Torah would be anything but good for them? After all, when people are presented time and again with goodness, this builds feelings of trust. When we trust we feel less of a need to ask questions. We almost take it for granted that things will go smoothly over time.
The interesting thing that happens with romantic relationships is that many of us take a different tack. Particularly once we’ve committed.
When you date you put your best forward and look for the good in the other.
Then, once you’ve committed, you become protective. We all do this. We become scared because it’s suddenly all becoming so real. You start to doubt whether you’ve made the right choice. If your partner doesn’t do what you want the way you want it, you get nervous. You start to think, what have I gotten myself into.
You think, “If they really knew me they would never do…” This is when self-doubt and arguments creep in.
It’s all very natural to get scared and doubt ourselves.
The problem is, when we don’t understand what’s fueling our negative behavior and causing a difficult dynamic in our encounter with our partner. If we don’t catch this early on, it becomes a part of our couple culture.
This is why I recommend to every couple getting ready to commit to do some couples work, right at the start.
By working on your relationship dynamic from the beginning, you’ll be able to learn about your triggers, what ignites and fuels them and how to defuse them and prevent causing a harmful if not deadly explosion.
While this sounds scary, and in some ways it should, the beautiful thing about relationships is that there’s always the opportunity for what Sue Johnson, creator of the Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy method calls “The Repair.”
Even when a couple have had the biggest row you can imagine, when they remember how much they are truly committed to one another and can allow themselves to reach beyond their own pain and see that of their partner, this is when the couple magic occurs.
I’m so privileged to have been blessed to have been part of creating many repairs in my office and even in my own marriage.
The repair is what keeps things from hitting rock bottom completely and ending.
It also keeps the marriage from growing stale. The other wonderful thing about the repair, is that it can happen at any time over the course of a couple relationship.
Ideally this would happen sooner rather than later. And when you feel strongly connected and motivated!
If this is something you can relate to and your relationship needs a bit of a repair, but you can’t quite figure out what’s getting in the way, feel free to drop me a line @ [email protected]. This is one of my specialties!!!
Tending to Your Relationship
I was tending to my garden today and thinking how bad I feel for neglecting it for so long. Many of the plants were in serious need of immediate care as the leaves were dying and flowers were unable to bloom. The cold winter weather sometimes brings me down and I just don’t have it in me to take care of the garden in the way it really needs.
Pruning plants, clearing away dead leaves and aerating the soil feels all too hard when the rain is beating down and it’s so cold outside. It’s also hard to feel motivated to clear away dead leaves day after day, when you know tomorrow a freshly fallen batch will effortlessly re-appear…only requiring me to do the same thing all over again.
It got me thinking that gardening is so much like tending to a relationship. Initially it’s beautiful and we feel motivated to tend to each other. Because it’s new and fresh tending to the relationship early on takes little work.
We talk endlessly in the beginning, send each other texts throughout the day of romantic little memes and pick me ups. It gives each of us a smile along with a boost- like a caffeine injection that motivates us to push through the hard parts of the day.
Continue to read the rest of the article: Tending to Your Relationship by Clicking here: http://theedencenter.com/tending-to-your-relationship/
Why Invest in Relationship Skills Before Finding Love?
No one wants to live with a feeling that disaster can strike at any time. However, we all take precautions to make sure that in the event that something bad does happen, we’re covered for major, albeit unlikely or seldom occurrences. Invest time in learning about who we are and what makes some partners more right for you than others is essential.
Many of us take precautions to make sure that we can live with peace of mind. Those of us with valuables have home and contents insurance, in the event a thief invades our home and takes off with our precious belongings.
Prevention
Those of us who have a car take it in for a regular service so that it’ll drive more smoothly, so that we feel safe and protected when we’re on the road.
We don’t wait for our teeth to go rotten before seeing a dentist. Therefore, we visit a dental hygienist from time to time.
For some reason, when it comes to general health, even though we may have health insurance, many of us tend to utilize it only once disaster has struck as opposed to taking advantages of its preventative services to keep us as healthy as possible.
Similarly, when it comes to our relationships, many simply rely on fate. They think they should just suffer and face the music when the time comes. For now we love each other, and they hope and pray things will carry on that way.
Given the divorce rate is very nearly 50%, it seems like throwing caution to the wind may be a dangerous way to run our lives. To just hope for the best, rather than take actual preventative measures to ensure our marriage runs as smoothly as possible doesn’t sound like much of an insurance policy.
One of the reasons many people don’t avail themselves of preventative relationship services is a lack of awareness. There are several health prevention programs around, yet still most marriage therapists focus on helping marriages in crises. Few are trained in preventative approaches.
Many read self-help books about how to keep their relationships healthy and think that alone will ward off all gloom and doom in their marriage.
While self-help books can help a lot with encouraging healthy behavior patterns, they do little to help a couple who have, for example, experienced challenging relationships in the past. Moreover, people can have all the information at their fingertips about what they need to do to create a more loving relationship, but applying the information in real time when faced with a partner that looks and sounds like a wild dragon spewing fire out of its nostrils, is another story entirely.
Dr Sue Johnson, an acclaimed expert on love and relationships, says that when we feel triggered by something our partner does, even if their intentions are good, this can make us feel like they are against us. When we feel threatened and our sensors are down and we’re not expecting it, we react badly.
Self-help books don’t give couples awareness about their past and knowledge about how this may influence their future relationship dynamics.
Awareness is Key
The more aware we are of what we bring into a relationship the better able we will be to choose a partner who will trigger us less and with whom we can be our most real and vulnerable selves.
Furthermore, the more aware we are of our past relationship wounds, the more we can heal these and become more reflective as opposed to reactive, the better able we will be to withstand relationship challenges.
Click here to read more:
https://gethelpisrael.com/why-invest-in-your-relationship-skills-before-you-even-find-love/
Book Review: Marry Him: Case for Settling…
Does the idea of Settling for love petrify you? Lori Gottleib knows all too well, as she is a 45 year old single Mom at the time of writing this book. She thoroughly researches what makes women run away from a potentially good man…She makes an excellent case to Marry Mr. Good Enough.
A soundtrack to #MeToo – ‘Toy’ by Netta
While Toy, the female empowerment song is great for helping women feeling stronger. It begs the question, where do men fit in?
Make the Facebook Dating App work for you!
The best dating apps can suggest the best person for you, but if your relationships skills suck you may blow your chances for finding true love…