A Different Kind of Debate

Following the recent presidential debate, I was struck by the nature of conflict presented on stage. As someone who frequently navigates conflicts with clients, the debate epitomized the art of arguing with words. This spectacle got me thinking about what we can and can’t learn from these intense exchanges, strategies, and emotional undertones that permeate the conversation.

Presidential debates are inherently adversarial, designed to highlight differences and showcase a candidate’s ability to “win” an argument. In relationships, however, the goal should be resolution and understanding, not victory. Viewing conflicts as competitions to be won can foster resentment and drive a wedge between partners. Remember, it’s not you vs. them; it’s both of you vs. the problem. Instead of focusing on winning an argument, approach conflicts in a collaborative spirit, not combative. This is an opportunity to find a solution together. 

Debates often prioritize quick, impactful sound bites over deep, meaningful dialogue. This approach can be detrimental in relationships, where meaningful communication is essential. Partners need time to express themselves fully and to understand each other’s perspectives without being interrupted or sidelined. Value holding your tongue, allowing the other person to finish speaking. If you feel the need to cool down – your not on the clock, and there’s no audience you need to impress- take all the time you need. Instead of interrupting or rushing to respond, try listening fully and reflecting back what you’ve heard before sharing your own thoughts.

The performative nature of debates—where candidates play to the audience—can mislead us into thinking that grand gestures and rhetorical prowess are what matter most. In reality, the subtleties of communication, such as tone, body language, and empathy, play a crucial role in private interactions. The way we express ourselves and the non-verbal cues we give off can significantly impact how our message is received. Instead of focusing on making a point dramatically, try speaking calmly and using body language that conveys openness and understanding.

“Debates” or the occasional argument provide a positive outlet in both the political and private sphere. In politics, debates allow candidates to outline their policies and visions clearly. Similarly, in relationships, having open discussions where each partner can freely express what’s on their mind is vital for mutual understanding and growth. 

Ultimately, while the style and substance of political debates can offer insights into effective communication, they are not a one-size-fits-all model for personal relationships. The key takeaway is to prioritize empathy, active listening, and genuine validation over competition or point-scoring. By fostering a collaborative environment where both partners feel safe to express themselves openly and honestly, relationships can become more resilient and fulfilling. Embracing these principles helps ensure that conflicts are resolved in a way that strengthens the bond rather than fraying it. In matters of the heart, it’s best to leave the debating to the politicians and keep the filibustering out of the living room!