Does Love Really Conquer All? Navigating the Challenges of a Partner on the Front Lines 

Pop culture loves to romanticize the idea of heartfelt letters sent to partners at war and tokens of love carried in helmets and boots. But after eight months in this new reality, we know it’s far from glamorous. 

Let’s be real – maintaining a normal routine can seem impossible when every alert on your phone or knock on the door sends your heart rate through the roof. While your partner is away and in danger, your days at home feel like a never-ending anxiety marathon. Sleep? What’s that? Eating? Only if stress counts as a food group. 

You may feel like you’re living on a different planet from everyone else, pulling away from friends and family who just don’t get it. The guilt of enjoying anything while someone you care for is in harm’s way might make you ditch activities you once loved. And the relationship? It can feel like you’re stuck in a perpetual long-distance limbo, constantly hitting the reset button. Frustration is natural when your partner can’t be there for you, even though you understand why. 

Supporting a partner in the military requires immense patience and compassion, which can be draining alongside maintaining a normal routine without their help. Here are some common obstacles to be aware of: 

– Trauma: A soldier may overshare, leaving you overwhelmed, or undershare, leaving you both feeling disconnected. 

– Compassion Burnout: The relationship can start to feel like a one sided game of emotional tug-of-war – one partner pulling all the emotional weight, while the other may barely have the strength to hold on to the rope. The imbalance long term will make the former feel exhausted and unsupported, no matter how much you may accept the crazy nature of the circumstances. 

– Disjointed Communication: You may seek support elsewhere, in the efforts to not add anything more to the plate of your partner. Conversely, your soldier may do the same in efforts to avoid burdening you with even more emotional baggage. Both of you think you’re helping, but this can be misinterpreted as a lack of interest or reliability. In reality, it deprives you both of the opportunity to support each other during a difficult time, creating even more tension than what you were trying to avoid. 

Throughout these serious challenges, you’ve made it this far together, and that’s no small feat. Here are some strategies to help strengthen that momentum: 

– Let Your Soldier Be There For You: Keep the relationship warm by letting your partner support you in small ways. Resist the idea that now isn’t the time to express your needs or worries. Sure, now is the time to be be more understanding of your partner’s imperfections, but expressing your concerns about things your partner can reasonably do differently to better support you creates opportunities for reassurance and connection. This keeps the relationship warm and loving. 

– Regaining Control: Any sense of control you can muster will make coping easier. Approach your days with the intention of accepting the limitations on communication and connection, rather than resigning to them. Make the decision to use time apart as productively and positively as you can manage. Assume your partner is safe unless you hear otherwise. Limit news consumption by setting specific times for updates. Engage in

calming activities when overwhelmed, like exercising or cooking, to regain a sense of control. 

– Seek Support: It’s a mistake to think that matching your partner’s heroics means that you need to do this alone. Don’t wait until you’re breaking down to seek support from friends, family, and a therapist. This is a rational, mature decision that is done in the service of your ability to be healthy and functional. 

– Practice Self Care: Eat well, exercise, and do things that bring you joy. Maintain your ability to be present and productive in your daily routines. It may feel uncomfortable to attempt and enjoy yourself while others who are dear to you cannot. But it is no service to anyone if you’re running on empty. Do what you need to maintain your ability to support yourself and others, see self-care as part of your service. 

– Spiritual Connection: Knowing that Hashem is above you can give you a feeling of being held. Knowing that you aren’t in control can help you to let go and not feel the need to be in the driver’s seat. 

Hollywood often paints war and trauma as experiences that strengthen relationships, but we understand that reality is more complex. It’s okay if this time doesn’t automatically deepen your bond. However, it can still be a period of growth for your relationship, albeit in unexpected ways. Redefining your limits, and embracing newfound flexibility and empathy are all extraordinarily difficult, but they are the things that will enable you to navigate this challenging time together. By supporting each other and nurturing yourselves both as individuals and as partners, you can emerge stronger and more connected than ever before.