Using the Month of Elul to Strengthen Ourselves and Our Relationships
Elul is a time of deep reflection, a spiritual opportunity to return to our best selves before Rosh Hashanah. Traditionally, we use this month to assess our relationship with Hashem, but it’s also a powerful time to assess the relationships in our lives—with family, friends, and significant others.
When we reflect on teshuva (repentance), it’s not just about admitting past mistakes—it’s about committing to growth and improvement. As Hasidic master Rav Tzadok HaKohen of Lublin is quoted as saying, “Teshuva is 1% about the past, and 99% about the future.” The same applies to our relationships—and even more so, to our personal growth. Working on ourselves during Elul opens the door to finding a partner who will grow with us into the future.
1. Honest Self-Reflection
Elul is about taking stock of where we are. In our relationships, this means checking in with ourselves. Are we holding onto old grudges? Carrying unrealistic expectations? Elul encourages us to let go of what weighs us down. Reflect on how your own patterns of behavior—perhaps rooted in past experiences—impact your current relationships. By doing this work, we not only improve our current connections but also prepare ourselves to find a partner with whom we can build a meaningful future.
2. Embracing Vulnerability
During Elul, we ask for forgiveness not only from Hashem but also from each other. This is an ideal time to practice vulnerability. Admitting where we’ve gone wrong requires humility, but it’s through this that true growth happens. Opening up to our partner—or even to ourselves—about our fears and insecurities allows us to create a deeper, more authentic connection. The more we embrace vulnerability, the more ready we are for a partner who can meet us at that same level of emotional honesty.
3. Strengthening Our Communication
This is the time to listen—not just to the shofar blasts that call us to attention, but to the people in our lives. The Rambam explains that the shofar is meant to wake us from our spiritual slumber. Can we apply this message to our relationships? Sometimes we get caught in routines, taking our loved ones for granted. Elul is our reminder to wake up, not only in our current relationships but also in preparing ourselves for future ones. By improving communication and being more present, we cultivate skills that will help us connect more deeply with a future partner.
4. Working on Our Middot (Character Traits)
Just as we work on middot like patience, kindness, and humility in our spiritual lives, these traits are crucial in building healthy relationships. Elul gives us the chance to focus on improving these qualities, knowing that the work we do now will shape our future. The person we become during this time will help us attract the kind of partner who values growth and mutual support. By cultivating positive middot, we set the stage for a future relationship rooted in respect, love, and shared values.
As we prepare ourselves spiritually during Elul, let’s also use this time to elevate our relationships—present and future. The personal work we do today is an investment in a brighter, more connected future, both with Hashem and with a partner who is aligned with our growth. By the time Rosh Hashanah arrives, may we not only feel more aligned with our values but also more prepared to find and build a meaningful relationship with someone who shares them.
How Less Can Be More
Picture this: You’ve just spent a fortune on reservations at the “perfect” venue. You’ve been battling on the phone all day to secure that spot, only to arrive at the date utterly drained. The pressure of making it worth it creates an awkward atmosphere, and instead of connecting, you’re both caught up in justifying the time and money spent. Authenticity? It’s nowhere to be found. You’re each busy performing and trying to meet the high expectations set by the elaborate plans. At best, you’ve pulled off an impressive show; at worst, you both leave feeling resentful and underwhelmed.
Now, imagine a casual coffee date instead. The lack of expectations opens up space for genuine conversation. A $5 coffee might seem insignificant, but it becomes a small price for a meaningful connection.
Dating doesn’t have to be a high-stakes game. The stress of elaborate plans and big investments often leads to disappointment and a lack of genuine connection. This pressure can make it hard to relax and truly get to know each other, overshadowing the potential for a real connection.
That’s not to say you shouldn’t splurge occasionally for someone special. However, spending excessively to impress or present a curated version of yourself may not be the best way to find a meaningful partner. Even if you can afford it, such grand gestures can create a sense of obligation and pressure that detracts from authentic connection. Save the lavish plans for when the relationship is established and genuine.
By adopting a low-stakes approach, you reduce the pressure and foster a more relaxed, authentic interaction. Simple, spontaneous activities like a park stroll or a coffee chat can be just as fulfilling and enjoyable without the added stress of elaborate planning.
Reflect on your dating habits and consider how they impact your experience. Try planning a low-stakes date—a simple coffee meet-up or a walk in the park. See how this more relaxed approach influences your connection and interaction. Embracing low-stakes dating can make the journey of getting to know someone more enjoyable and authentic, leading to deeper, more meaningful connections.