Behind every returning soldier, there’s a story of resilience—and often, an untold struggle with intimacy and sexual health.
The ongoing conflict in Israel has left many of our soldiers profoundly affected, not only by the physical and emotional scars of war but also by the challenges they face when trying to reintegrate into everyday life. Since Oct 7th, I have seen firsthand how these brave individuals grapple with complex and often confusing sexual responses after their service in Gaza. These responses can vary widely, from hypoactive sexual desire (a significant decrease in sexual interest) to hyperactive sexual desire (an overwhelming increase in sexual activity).
The Impact of War on Sexual Health
The psychological and physical toll of war can extend far beyond the battlefield, significantly impacting a soldier’s sexual health and intimate relationships. The transition from the hypervigilant state required in combat to the perceived safety of civilian life is neither immediate nor easy. This disconnection can lead to significant challenges in their personal relationships, where intimacy, once a source of comfort and connection, may now feel unfamiliar or even unattainable.
Hypoactive Sexual Desire: Understanding Withdrawal
One of the most common issues I encounter is hypoactive sexual desire among returning soldiers. This condition can be deeply distressing for both the soldier and their partner. Several factors contribute to this withdrawal:
● Psychological Trauma: The relentless stress and trauma of war can lead to conditions
like PTSD, anxiety, and depression, which often suppress sexual desire as the mind and body remain in a state of alert, focused more on survival than on intimacy.
● Emotional Numbness: Many soldiers report feeling emotionally numb as a coping mechanism to deal with the horrors of war. Unfortunately, this numbness can spill over into their intimate relationships, making it challenging to connect on a sexual level.
● Guilt and Shame: Some soldiers carry a heavy burden of guilt or shame related to their actions in combat or simply because they survived while others did not. These intense emotions can create a significant barrier to sexual intimacy, leaving them feeling undeserving of pleasure or connection.
Hyperactive Sexual Desire: The Urge to Reconnect
On the other hand, some soldiers experience the opposite—a hyperactive sexual desire. This heightened drive can be influenced by:
● Seeking Reconnection: After enduring the isolation and fear of combat, some soldiers may turn to intense sexual activity as a way to reconnect with life, affirm their humanity, and re-establish bonds with their partners.
● Adrenaline and Hypervigilance: The adrenaline and heightened alertness that kept them alive in combat may linger, sometimes leading to impulsive or compulsive behaviors, including increased sexual activity. What might seem like a healthy sexual drive can often be a continuation of the fight-or-flight response, rooted in survival rather than intimacy.
● Escaping Trauma: For others, sex becomes a temporary escape from the painful memories and intrusive thoughts of war. By immersing themselves in the physicality of sex, they can momentarily push aside the trauma that haunts them.
Therapeutic Intervention: The Role of Specialized Therapy in Healing
Addressing these complex sexual responses requires more than just understanding—it demands specialized therapeutic intervention. Therapy offers soldiers a safe space to process their trauma, explore their emotional responses, and begin to heal. A trauma and sexual health specialist is essential in this process, providing tailored approaches like Somatic Experiencing Therapy or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy . This body- focused therapy helps soldiers reconnect with their physical sensations, release stored trauma, and gradually reclaim their sexual health.
Beyond individual therapy, couples therapy is also invaluable. It equips partners with the tools to navigate these challenges together, fostering open communication, understanding, and a renewed sense of connection. By working closely with a specialist, soldiers and their partners can rebuild their relationship on a foundation of trust, patience, and mutual support.
If you or someone you know is navigating these challenges, reach out for specialized support today. Healing is possible.
The Best You Can Be: A Relationship Lesson from Simone Biles
(image credit: depositphotos)
Have you ever felt overwhelmed by the need to be perfect in your relationship, constantly trying to meet your partner’s expectations while concealing your own struggles? Watching the Olympics with my family got me thinking – how do Olympians do it? The immense pressure, tremendous expectations, all while exuding this aura of being superhuman? Listening to American Gymnast, Simone Biles’s provided me with some insight:
Despite an apparent injury, Biles competed with her characteristic excellence, leaving us not only in awe of her athletic prowess but also inspired by her approach to challenges. Her journey provides valuable lessons not just for athletes, but for anyone striving to build healthier relationships with themselves and others .
When asked if she was okay after the injury, Biles replied, “Yup! As good as I can be.” This simple response carries a powerful message: all we can expect of ourselves is to be the best we can be. This mindset is not only crucial in sports but is also a cornerstone for successful relationships. Being our best selves involves showing up authentically: being honest about our limits and capabilities.
In 2021, Simone Biles made headlines by withdrawing from competition to prioritize her mental and physical health, a decision some criticized as quitting but which was actually a profound act of self-care and self-awareness. By choosing her long-term well-being over short-term performance, Biles demonstrated the importance of stepping back to prevent burnout and stay engaged with our partners. This was during the COVID-19 pandemic, where the absence of her family significantly impacted her mental health, highlighting the crucial need to recognize and address the lack of a support system. This situation underscores the importance of acknowledging when support is missing and seeking help, as well as the value of understanding and communication in relationships to navigate challenges effectively.
Fast forward to 2024, Biles’ decision to discuss how she views the limits to her performance because of her injury further showcases her courage to be vulnerable. Biles is a woman in tune with when it is appropriate and inappropriate to push herself. What was the right choice for her in 2021, looked different this time around. In both she was able to put others’ expectations for her to the side, and focus on being “as good as I can be”. In relationships, embracing our vulnerabilities can strengthen our bonds. It allows us to be authentic, express our fears and weaknesses, and seek and offer support. Biles faced immense pressure but understood that the only person she needed to answer to was herself.
So, how does this translate to our everyday relationships? Reflect on when you last allowed yourself to be vulnerable with your partner and whether you create a safe space for them to share their own vulnerabilities. Consider if it’s time to revisit opportunities you’ve previously avoided or if you’re overextending yourself, as sometimes our commitments to others prevent us from being honest about our limits. Simone Biles teaches us that true balance comes from being forgiving with ourselves. We can all learn from Simone’s approach: strive to do your best, embrace your vulnerabilities, and foster a safe space for yourself and others. By doing so, you’ll build deeper connections and navigate your relationships with greater empathy and understanding. Biles’ journey reminds us that real strength lies in being in tune with ourselves, both in our personal achievements and in our relationships.
A Different Kind of Debate
Following the recent presidential debate, I was struck by the nature of conflict presented on stage. As someone who frequently navigates conflicts with clients, the debate epitomized the art of arguing with words. This spectacle got me thinking about what we can and can’t learn from these intense exchanges, strategies, and emotional undertones that permeate the conversation.
Presidential debates are inherently adversarial, designed to highlight differences and showcase a candidate’s ability to “win” an argument. In relationships, however, the goal should be resolution and understanding, not victory. Viewing conflicts as competitions to be won can foster resentment and drive a wedge between partners. Remember, it’s not you vs. them; it’s both of you vs. the problem. Instead of focusing on winning an argument, approach conflicts in a collaborative spirit, not combative. This is an opportunity to find a solution together.
Debates often prioritize quick, impactful sound bites over deep, meaningful dialogue. This approach can be detrimental in relationships, where meaningful communication is essential. Partners need time to express themselves fully and to understand each other’s perspectives without being interrupted or sidelined. Value holding your tongue, allowing the other person to finish speaking. If you feel the need to cool down – your not on the clock, and there’s no audience you need to impress- take all the time you need. Instead of interrupting or rushing to respond, try listening fully and reflecting back what you’ve heard before sharing your own thoughts.
The performative nature of debates—where candidates play to the audience—can mislead us into thinking that grand gestures and rhetorical prowess are what matter most. In reality, the subtleties of communication, such as tone, body language, and empathy, play a crucial role in private interactions. The way we express ourselves and the non-verbal cues we give off can significantly impact how our message is received. Instead of focusing on making a point dramatically, try speaking calmly and using body language that conveys openness and understanding.
“Debates” or the occasional argument provide a positive outlet in both the political and private sphere. In politics, debates allow candidates to outline their policies and visions clearly. Similarly, in relationships, having open discussions where each partner can freely express what’s on their mind is vital for mutual understanding and growth.
Ultimately, while the style and substance of political debates can offer insights into effective communication, they are not a one-size-fits-all model for personal relationships. The key takeaway is to prioritize empathy, active listening, and genuine validation over competition or point-scoring. By fostering a collaborative environment where both partners feel safe to express themselves openly and honestly, relationships can become more resilient and fulfilling. Embracing these principles helps ensure that conflicts are resolved in a way that strengthens the bond rather than fraying it. In matters of the heart, it’s best to leave the debating to the politicians and keep the filibustering out of the living room!