July, 2024

The Fear of Leading Someone On

Imagine you’re dating someone new. You enjoy their company, but you’re not sure if it’s love or just a friendly connection. The fear of leading them on starts to creep in—what if they think this is more serious than it is? What if you end up hurting them? This fear of “leading someone on”, rooted in empathy and a desire to be honest, can lead to feeling pressured to end the relationship before you’re actually certain there’s an issue. 

While healthy relationships necessitate consideration of the other person’s feelings, getting a handle on this anxiety necessitates a shift in focus inward. Instead of trying to anticipate the other person’s emotions, ask yourself if you’ve taken the time to properly try and assess your own. 

When you are overly focused on how others may be feeling, you forget to check in with yourself. As tempting as it is to try and interpret the inner workings of your date and their perceived expectations, it is not only unproductive but can be an effort in futility. Ask yourself if your own feelings are as transparent as you assume theirs to be. You yourself are unsure; can’t they be as well? Don’t assume you’re the only one who needs more time or clarity. Embrace the dating process for what it is – an opportunity to further get to know yourself and someone else. That’s it. 

Next time you find yourself panicking about the “messages you’re sending” or how you feel your date has perceived you, turn the question around to the only person you can really answer for- yourself.

Try asking yourself the following questions:

– Am I enjoying my time with this person?

– Do I feel comfortable and authentic in this relationship?

– What do I need to feel more secure or clear about my feelings?

You can never fully know what’s going on in someone else’s mind, and even if you could, allow them the space to be inconsistent and unclear that you wish you had. They may be feeling just as unsure and in need of more time to get to know you as you do. By not taking responsibility for the other person’s emotions, you relieve yourself of unnecessary pressure and stress. This doesn’t mean being indifferent to their feelings; it’s about acknowledging that their emotions are influenced by many factors beyond your control.

Feeling unsure is a natural part of dating, allow yourself to trust the process. Feelings of uncertainty and confusion will come, expect them and embrace them as a sign that you need to invest more in getting to know this person, not less. You owe it to yourself and the other person to explore the connection fully, without prematurely ending things out of fear.

While it’s natural to try to understand those around you, it’s more productive to accept that the only feelings you can fully manage are your own. You might think you’re protecting the other person by ending things early, but in doing so, you may be doing a disservice to both yourself and your potential date. Each of you deserves the full commitment to see the relationship through. 

You don’t want to panic and exit prematurely, but you also don’t want to overinvest in a relationship you will ultimately walk away from. Be honest and open about your uncertainties and communicate what you can. In the efforts to insist on understanding how your date feels, you deny yourself the opportunity to give yourself the time and space to understand how you feel. Believe me, the most sensitive way to respect the other’s feelings is by valuing your own enough to explore where they lead.

Bashert: Embracing Destiny 

In Jewish tradition, “bashert” refers to one’s destined soulmate, the person meant to be their life partner. While many view bashert as a mystical or predestined connection, it’s equally significant to approach it as a state of mind—one that shapes our attitudes, choices, and experiences in dating.

Bashert isn’t just about finding the right person; it’s about becoming the right person. The passive search for a soulmate transforms into an active engagement with dynamic growth. By intentionally cultivating our character, values, and intentions, we align ourselves more closely with the qualities we seek in a partner. Every experience has the potential to propel us further in our journey to become who we are destined to be—bashert. However, this development requires a deliberate effort to internalize our experiences as part of our growth. Expanding the concept of bashert to encompass a broader perspective on life helps transition from feeling like a victim of life’s inevitable hurdles to feeling energized and empowered to embrace the lessons it offers.

This is especially important in dating, which often feels characterized by a sense of helplessness—condemned to search in vain until our “bashert” stumbles across us. This attitude is both draining and limiting. Accepting bashert as a mindset—that everything that happens to us is part of our larger destiny, infuses this chapter of your life with agency, transforming the most painful encounters into invaluable moments of self-development. 

Reframe your relationship experiences with this understanding. A difficult breakup taught you self-compassion and revealed inner fortitude you didn’t know you had. Hard looks in the mirror and late-night reflections prompted important introspection, leaving you with a clearer self-image. A disappointing first date was neither a failure nor a waste of time, but an opportunity to build empathy and understand another perspective. Each of these experiences become integral to who you are only when you choose to accept them as important parts of your story, ones that shaped you into who you are today – someone who’s potential has been that much more developed. In the present, every interaction can serve as a tool for growth, bringing you closer to the person you have the ability to become should you let it—this is bashert.

Accepting bashert as a state of mind allows this attitude to permeate other aspects of our lives beyond relationships, leading to more holistic personal development. See every experience as an opportunity uniquely destined for you, enriching your journey and making life both more exciting and purposeful.

Bashert is more than a predetermined outcome; it’s an attitude of intentionality, faith, and personal development. By embodying this mindset, we enhance our chances of finding not just any partner, but the one who complements and completes us in the most profound ways, as well as make the journey there that much more meaningful.