How Less Can Be More
Picture this: You’ve just spent a fortune on reservations at the “perfect” venue. You’ve been battling on the phone all day to secure that spot, only to arrive at the date utterly drained. The pressure of making it worth it creates an awkward atmosphere, and instead of connecting, you’re both caught up in justifying the time and money spent. Authenticity? It’s nowhere to be found. You’re each busy performing and trying to meet the high expectations set by the elaborate plans. At best, you’ve pulled off an impressive show; at worst, you both leave feeling resentful and underwhelmed.
Now, imagine a casual coffee date instead. The lack of expectations opens up space for genuine conversation. A $5 coffee might seem insignificant, but it becomes a small price for a meaningful connection.
Dating doesn’t have to be a high-stakes game. The stress of elaborate plans and big investments often leads to disappointment and a lack of genuine connection. This pressure can make it hard to relax and truly get to know each other, overshadowing the potential for a real connection.
That’s not to say you shouldn’t splurge occasionally for someone special. However, spending excessively to impress or present a curated version of yourself may not be the best way to find a meaningful partner. Even if you can afford it, such grand gestures can create a sense of obligation and pressure that detracts from authentic connection. Save the lavish plans for when the relationship is established and genuine.
By adopting a low-stakes approach, you reduce the pressure and foster a more relaxed, authentic interaction. Simple, spontaneous activities like a park stroll or a coffee chat can be just as fulfilling and enjoyable without the added stress of elaborate planning.
Reflect on your dating habits and consider how they impact your experience. Try planning a low-stakes date—a simple coffee meet-up or a walk in the park. See how this more relaxed approach influences your connection and interaction. Embracing low-stakes dating can make the journey of getting to know someone more enjoyable and authentic, leading to deeper, more meaningful connections.
Behind every returning soldier, there’s a story of resilience—and often, an untold struggle with intimacy and sexual health.
The ongoing conflict in Israel has left many of our soldiers profoundly affected, not only by the physical and emotional scars of war but also by the challenges they face when trying to reintegrate into everyday life. Since Oct 7th, I have seen firsthand how these brave individuals grapple with complex and often confusing sexual responses after their service in Gaza. These responses can vary widely, from hypoactive sexual desire (a significant decrease in sexual interest) to hyperactive sexual desire (an overwhelming increase in sexual activity).
The Impact of War on Sexual Health
The psychological and physical toll of war can extend far beyond the battlefield, significantly impacting a soldier’s sexual health and intimate relationships. The transition from the hypervigilant state required in combat to the perceived safety of civilian life is neither immediate nor easy. This disconnection can lead to significant challenges in their personal relationships, where intimacy, once a source of comfort and connection, may now feel unfamiliar or even unattainable.
Hypoactive Sexual Desire: Understanding Withdrawal
One of the most common issues I encounter is hypoactive sexual desire among returning soldiers. This condition can be deeply distressing for both the soldier and their partner. Several factors contribute to this withdrawal:
● Psychological Trauma: The relentless stress and trauma of war can lead to conditions
like PTSD, anxiety, and depression, which often suppress sexual desire as the mind and body remain in a state of alert, focused more on survival than on intimacy.
● Emotional Numbness: Many soldiers report feeling emotionally numb as a coping mechanism to deal with the horrors of war. Unfortunately, this numbness can spill over into their intimate relationships, making it challenging to connect on a sexual level.
● Guilt and Shame: Some soldiers carry a heavy burden of guilt or shame related to their actions in combat or simply because they survived while others did not. These intense emotions can create a significant barrier to sexual intimacy, leaving them feeling undeserving of pleasure or connection.
Hyperactive Sexual Desire: The Urge to Reconnect
On the other hand, some soldiers experience the opposite—a hyperactive sexual desire. This heightened drive can be influenced by:
● Seeking Reconnection: After enduring the isolation and fear of combat, some soldiers may turn to intense sexual activity as a way to reconnect with life, affirm their humanity, and re-establish bonds with their partners.
● Adrenaline and Hypervigilance: The adrenaline and heightened alertness that kept them alive in combat may linger, sometimes leading to impulsive or compulsive behaviors, including increased sexual activity. What might seem like a healthy sexual drive can often be a continuation of the fight-or-flight response, rooted in survival rather than intimacy.
● Escaping Trauma: For others, sex becomes a temporary escape from the painful memories and intrusive thoughts of war. By immersing themselves in the physicality of sex, they can momentarily push aside the trauma that haunts them.
Therapeutic Intervention: The Role of Specialized Therapy in Healing
Addressing these complex sexual responses requires more than just understanding—it demands specialized therapeutic intervention. Therapy offers soldiers a safe space to process their trauma, explore their emotional responses, and begin to heal. A trauma and sexual health specialist is essential in this process, providing tailored approaches like Somatic Experiencing Therapy or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy . This body- focused therapy helps soldiers reconnect with their physical sensations, release stored trauma, and gradually reclaim their sexual health.
Beyond individual therapy, couples therapy is also invaluable. It equips partners with the tools to navigate these challenges together, fostering open communication, understanding, and a renewed sense of connection. By working closely with a specialist, soldiers and their partners can rebuild their relationship on a foundation of trust, patience, and mutual support.
If you or someone you know is navigating these challenges, reach out for specialized support today. Healing is possible.