Are You Scared Like Crazy When it Comes to Love?
When it came to dating and relationships, Chana had no shortage of experience. Before she met me she didn’t realize that she was actually scared of love. She just thought love hadn’t paid her a visit yet. Or that she was unlucky and this was why she was still single.
She’s an intelligent and attractive woman. Well educated with a promising career. I’m not saying she lives on Easy Street. She experiences plenty of bullying, people trying to undermine her authority, who pass on their extra load when they can.
This is an experience Chana’s used to. Even though she lives with lots of discomfort at work, she is prepared for it, because it’s familiar.
Chana experienced bullying her entire life, starting at home. For as long as she can remember, Chana was the family scapegoat. When there was any problem, she bore the brunt. If the family had financial difficulties, she had to go without. Chana often felt completely alone. The only thing she had in her life that really made her feel good while growing up was her ability to rely on her imagination and her intelligence.
Chana dreamed of being a successful lawyer from early on when she watched LA Law and Law and Order. She voraciously poured over all the court cases in the NY Times. Law was something that gave her passion and drive. Chana derived strength from her knowledge. This made her feel powerful and in control.
Chana clung to her intelligence for a sense of self and support. This was something she could always depend on. No one could take it away from her.
Love, on the other hand has always been a disappointment for her. Whenever she looked for it, Love would always let her down. Pretty early on in life Chana convinced herself that love was a fantasy that wouldn’t come knocking on her door. As painful as it feels to admit to herself, she quickly resigned herself to the fact that she was doomed to living a life alone.
Chana had a really rough introduction to the world of love. As a result, for Chana, love and fear are connected so strongly that she can no longer imagine them apart.
Still, Chana longs for love, as this is something that is built into each and every one of us.
The difference between those of us for whom love comes more easily and for those of us who have a harder time, is the belief that it will actually happen. Obviously, if we felt love on a regular consistent basis then our belief that we are worthy of It would come more easily. If we had to work too hard for love, then we internalize the belief that only through hard work does It actually show up.
For those of us, who were the good little child, sometimes referred to in Israel as the “Yeled Tov Yerushalayim,”, we are left confused as to what more we can do to earn our parent’s love. After all, we couldn’t try any harder. We feel furious with those who seem less deserving and for whom love comes so easily.
So how do those of us for whom love didn’t come easy turn this around so we can create a loving and safe relationship that we can actually trust?
Look out for my next article on how to turn fear of love into fearless love…
If you know someone who is paralyzed by fear and may benefit from this, feel free to share it with them.
Would love to hear what fears you have when it comes to finding love…drop me a line: [email protected].
