Are You Hiding Behind Your Relationship?
Miri shared with me that when and her boyfriend Moshe became serious, he gave her an ultimatum. He told her to either move in before marriage or to end the relationship. Miri said that when this decision was presented to her in this way, she saw only two options. She was completely shocked into submission. She admitted that she had been very smitten by David’s suave personality and good looks. At the age of 30 was frightened to lose him and start over. She made the decision to move in with him, going against her better judgment and desires.
What Miri didn’t realize was that this monumental decision would set the stage for the rest of their relationship and ultimately her marriage.
Rather than take the time to consider what was truly important to her when presented with a different perspective, she gave up on listening to herself because she was paralyzed by fear of losing the relationship. What Miri didn’t realize was that by dismissing her fear she was losing herself and even worse, feeling angry and resentful towards Moshe for making this and other important decisions. She had even convinced herself that her husband was controlling, without realizing that she had given her control away.
Often how a relationship starts is how it will continue if both parts of the couple are not aware of the dynamic of the relationship. Miri spent the better part of her 20 year relationship shrouded in a mask. Putting on a happy front, but pushing her actual feelings and needs aside. Over time, Moshe’s respect for her eroded so significantly that he left her for another woman.
Sadly, this is something that happens to many people who feel scared of standing up for themselves. They wrongly believe that if they actually take a stand, they may end up losing love. What happens in actual fact when we don’t listen to ourselves and stand up for what we really want is that we lose self-respect and begin to believe that we aren’t worthy of it. The message we subconsciously transmit to those around us when we don’t stand strongly behind our convictions is, “I don’t really matter,” or “Your opinion is more worthy than mine”.
The only way to break free from living behind a mask is to first become aware of and take responsibility for your part in the relationship dynamic. You also need to feel the discomfort of not living in your own skin and not feeling strong enough to offer your own opinions. Once you can come to terms with how you feel about living behind someone else’s decisions, and realize that you have been allowing someone else to make decisions for you, only then will you be able to reclaim your power and shift the dynamic so that you can find a happy medium that works best for both you and your partner.
If you are not yet in a relationship and you fear standing up for your thoughts, feelings, beliefs and opinions:
- Ask yourself what is holding you back from stating your convictions? Did someone make you feel that your opinions had little value?
- Were decisions always made for you, so that you never had an opportunity to make decisions?
- Did you make some poor decisions that led you to believe that others’ opinions are more worthy than your own?
If you are married and you struggle to express yourself to your partner:
- Ask yourself what stops you from being able to stand up for yourself in the relationship: Are you scared of losing your partner if your opinions differ?
- Are you afraid of feeling belittled by your partner?
- Are you scared of making decisions that will be detrimental to the relationship?
Whether you are single or married, the key to creating and sustaining a healthy relationship is having two strong individuals that can feel confident in their beliefs and convictions, yet can also create space for alternative opinions. When we allow ourselves to hold on to our fear of losing ourselves and combine this with the belief that everyone has a valid opinion, we can state our opinion clearly and with conviction, while hearing the other and arrive at decisions and conclusions that work for everyone involved.
[/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column] [/et_pb_row] [/et_pb_section]
What Will Inspire You to Drop Your Mask?
Can we afford to wait for someone else to make the first step when it comes to creating a relationship?
Getting Singles Married- Not a Walk in the Park
Making shidduchim is hard in any generation. Here are some thoughts about the shidduch crises in our day…
Make Sure your Relationship Doesn’t Get Caught in The Emotional CrossFire of Terror
If you live in Israel chances are you are feeling anxious and on edge as terrorists violate our streets. How do we stop this situation from taking over our lives and overwhelming us? Fear has a ripple effect that overwhelms our families and environment like a tsunami. Instead of reacting to every new story of terror with unchecked fear, we need to combat this fear with greater inner calm and composure than ordinary.
However, remaining calm in our turbulent times is not an easy feat. We feel angry, scared, unsafe, alone and a mixture of other unidentifiable feelings. All we really want to do is hide under our bed covers, get away from this chaotic reality of violence and wake up with the hope that our leaders have sorted everything out so we can go on living our normal lives.
Feeling raw and vulnerable, we may lash out at our partners which may release aggression momentarily, but of course will boomerang negative consequences back to us. We need to look at healthy options to process our stress.
To read more check out the rest of this article here:
http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/make-sure-your-relationship-doesnt-get-caught-in-the-emotional-crossfire-of-terror/
Let Hope Get You Out of the Dating Slump
Increasing our feelings of hope by doing what we love and shifting our attitude about dating is the best way to overcome our dating slump.
Can We Overcome Our Relationship Slip Ups?
Do you sometimes do things to upset your partner that puts a dent into your relationship bliss? How can you overcome your slips ups and move on?
Do You Have to Kill Your Fantasies and Settle to Get Married?
We were all raised on beautiful, fairy tale fantasies. Where the Prince marries the gorgeous girl and they live happily ever after. They ride into the red and orange haloed sunset on a white stallion with a magnificent, towering castle in the background which promises only joy and prosperity. How many couples try and recreate this fairy tale fantasy on their wedding day and in their lives? We all want to live happily ever after. That’s why the fairy tales are reproduced again and again in our theaters. They feed into our fantasy of the way our life should be. Of the way our partner should be; the shining Prince with a sky high bank balance and a six pack to match; the magnificent woman of Barbie proportions with the benevolence of Mother Teresa.
Affair Proof Your Relationship…
An affair, like drugs, overabundance of alcohol, and unhealthy food is a quick fix. It’s a slippery slope for someone who genuinely love’s their partner and wants to keep their marriage alive. Just as the idea of Weight Watchers is to help us stay on the straight and narrow with our diet, marriage education programs can help us learn ways to keep marital love exciting and alive.
I Already Met them over Shabbat, I Know Them
Think you can’t date someone because you already met them at a shabbat dinner and now you know them…think again…
How Do You Create the Dating Wow Factor?
Many people complain that they find their dates boring. No “Wow Factor”…“He/She has nothing interesting to share with me…He/she has no hobbies or interests…He/She talks about their parents and siblings all the time.” My question is,” What are we really waiting for? What makes any of us feel the big WOW?”
We live in a time, where it takes a lot more for us to feel the wow sensation, because we have seen/done it all. Waiting for the “wow factor” to kick in for us on a date, is a bit like waiting for Godot… it isn’t really going to come on it’s own… unless we do something to make it appear.
This may sound trite, but what if we all started to consider how we can be responsible for the wow factor on the date? What if we made it our job to create some sort of wow effect? What would we do? What could we say? How could we look? How would it happen?
How does placing the “Wow” onus on ourselves change things around? When we know how hard it is to create this effect, it makes us feel more sympathetic towards our dates. It also makes us expect less from others, which means we put less pressure on them. Can we actually create more excitement in the person we are with because now they feel the “wow” emanating from us?
For the next date we go on, let us choose one thing to make the person we are with feel “wow,” and see how that changes the date…Email me and let me know how it goes: [email protected].