Stellar Relationship Skills From the Start!
Newlyweds classically believe that all they need in marriage is LOVE. They reject learning relationship skills early on because they think, ‘We can deal with anything because we love each other’. They think ‘Why work on a relationship and learn skills for a successful future when we are already a great success together?’. The basic attitude is, love conquers all. We’ll deal with problems when they arise. Of course by then it may be too late.
Love is not enough to keep marriages together. If love were enough there wouldn’t be staggering divorce statistics. When the going gets tough love gets going. Couples are left adrift.
Couples who begin all lovey dovey with stars in their eyes, are blind to the small things that irritate them. It’s inconvenient to focus on the way he slurps his soup, the way she leaves her laundry on the bathroom floor or is perpetually late. Research shows that when couples are engaged, they notice the things they like about their partner. Only once they’re married do they begin to notice the things they dislike. And as we all know it’s the little irritants that accumulate until they become THE issue.
One of the greatest problems that lead to couple meltdown isn’t the problem itself, but rather the delay in seeking help. The reason a couple often wait so long to receive help for their difficulties isn’t because they didn’t know they had issues. Rather, they felt they could deal with these issues by themselves. Only problem is, they lack the skills. They spiral down into dark places where relationships die a speedy death.
By this stage it’s not about the problem anymore. The real issue is the way they’re dealing with it. Emotions like fear, anger and hurt erupt around the problem, spilling over into the relationship, clouding rational judgement. The fight is on! Neither spouse is aware of the deeper, unspoken issues that underlie the foundation of their relationship.
Now we ask, “Where is the love that will rescue this battling couple”? It’s long gone. Love alone can’t save a relationship. If a couple don’t know how to deal practically with conflict and difference, which will inevitably arise in every relationship, their relationship won’t survive.
So contrary to popular thinking, investing in relationship education early on is buying relationship insurance. Pre-marriage education teaches the necessary communication skills and emotional tools to identify and resolve issues that inevitably crop up for every couple. The earlier a couple learns these tools the better. Advisably before the two year mark, by which point most habits become hard wired.
Love is a precious gift at the beginning of every marriage. It’s worth investing and insuring in it so that you can enjoy the happy, long lasting relationship you both deserve.
Which relationship skills do you think will take your relationship to the next level? Email me: [email protected]
Getting the Delicate Balance between Giving and Taking in Relationships Right
Shoshana was furious that her boyfriend seemed to be much more giving to his friends than to her. Her boyfriend Moshe bought his friends tickets to the football, and often bought his friends gifts. Moshe found it difficult to give to his girlfriend because he saw her as an extension of himself. He wasn’t used to receiving from his parents, as he often felt like an after-thought. As much as he wanted to give to her, he was overly focused on what she was doing or not doing for him. It was as though he was only giving as an exchange for something else. They got into a difficult dynamic whereby no one wanted to budge on the giving and receiving.
What makes giving difficult?
We can’t give if we haven’t been on the receiving end. If we have a difficult time trusting that giving is coming from a good place. That our partner isn’t out to get us. That their intentions are well founded.
When we make giving an accounting act, it turns the relationship into a chess game where each one waits for the other to make a move.
It is also difficult to give, if we can’t receive. It is hard for us to understand why the other person needs to receive if we don’t have that same need.
The giving and receiving dynamic is an important one to get right from the beginning. Generosity is a quality that makes people feel nurtured and held. By withholding, each becomes suspicious of one an others intentions which stops them from feeling comfortable and safe in the relationship.
What it means to balance giving and taking
-Not taking account of whose turn it is to give
-Focus on what you can give and how this fits in with what your partner needs from you to feel safe
-Making sure that you can also receive and that when you do, this is done wholeheartedly
-Ensure that there is a strong culture of giving and receiving beyond material objects – more emotionally and physically
A great book that can help with this is the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. He explains all of the ways that we give enjoy giving and receiving love.
Send me an email and let me know i you find giving or receiving more difficult: [email protected].
Top Tips to Get A Conversation Rolling on the First Date
Here are a few great tips to get conversations rolling on first dates better…It can also land you a first date…
Are You Hiding Behind Your Relationship?
Miri shared with me that when and her boyfriend Moshe became serious, he gave her an ultimatum. He told her to either move in before marriage or to end the relationship. Miri said that when this decision was presented to her in this way, she saw only two options. She was completely shocked into submission. She admitted that she had been very smitten by David’s suave personality and good looks. At the age of 30 was frightened to lose him and start over. She made the decision to move in with him, going against her better judgment and desires.
What Miri didn’t realize was that this monumental decision would set the stage for the rest of their relationship and ultimately her marriage.
Rather than take the time to consider what was truly important to her when presented with a different perspective, she gave up on listening to herself because she was paralyzed by fear of losing the relationship. What Miri didn’t realize was that by dismissing her fear she was losing herself and even worse, feeling angry and resentful towards Moshe for making this and other important decisions. She had even convinced herself that her husband was controlling, without realizing that she had given her control away.
Often how a relationship starts is how it will continue if both parts of the couple are not aware of the dynamic of the relationship. Miri spent the better part of her 20 year relationship shrouded in a mask. Putting on a happy front, but pushing her actual feelings and needs aside. Over time, Moshe’s respect for her eroded so significantly that he left her for another woman.
Sadly, this is something that happens to many people who feel scared of standing up for themselves. They wrongly believe that if they actually take a stand, they may end up losing love. What happens in actual fact when we don’t listen to ourselves and stand up for what we really want is that we lose self-respect and begin to believe that we aren’t worthy of it. The message we subconsciously transmit to those around us when we don’t stand strongly behind our convictions is, “I don’t really matter,” or “Your opinion is more worthy than mine”.
The only way to break free from living behind a mask is to first become aware of and take responsibility for your part in the relationship dynamic. You also need to feel the discomfort of not living in your own skin and not feeling strong enough to offer your own opinions. Once you can come to terms with how you feel about living behind someone else’s decisions, and realize that you have been allowing someone else to make decisions for you, only then will you be able to reclaim your power and shift the dynamic so that you can find a happy medium that works best for both you and your partner.
If you are not yet in a relationship and you fear standing up for your thoughts, feelings, beliefs and opinions:
- Ask yourself what is holding you back from stating your convictions? Did someone make you feel that your opinions had little value?
- Were decisions always made for you, so that you never had an opportunity to make decisions?
- Did you make some poor decisions that led you to believe that others’ opinions are more worthy than your own?
If you are married and you struggle to express yourself to your partner:
- Ask yourself what stops you from being able to stand up for yourself in the relationship: Are you scared of losing your partner if your opinions differ?
- Are you afraid of feeling belittled by your partner?
- Are you scared of making decisions that will be detrimental to the relationship?
Whether you are single or married, the key to creating and sustaining a healthy relationship is having two strong individuals that can feel confident in their beliefs and convictions, yet can also create space for alternative opinions. When we allow ourselves to hold on to our fear of losing ourselves and combine this with the belief that everyone has a valid opinion, we can state our opinion clearly and with conviction, while hearing the other and arrive at decisions and conclusions that work for everyone involved.
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What Will Inspire You to Drop Your Mask?
Can we afford to wait for someone else to make the first step when it comes to creating a relationship?
Getting Singles Married- Not a Walk in the Park
Making shidduchim is hard in any generation. Here are some thoughts about the shidduch crises in our day…
Make Sure your Relationship Doesn’t Get Caught in The Emotional CrossFire of Terror
If you live in Israel chances are you are feeling anxious and on edge as terrorists violate our streets. How do we stop this situation from taking over our lives and overwhelming us? Fear has a ripple effect that overwhelms our families and environment like a tsunami. Instead of reacting to every new story of terror with unchecked fear, we need to combat this fear with greater inner calm and composure than ordinary.
However, remaining calm in our turbulent times is not an easy feat. We feel angry, scared, unsafe, alone and a mixture of other unidentifiable feelings. All we really want to do is hide under our bed covers, get away from this chaotic reality of violence and wake up with the hope that our leaders have sorted everything out so we can go on living our normal lives.
Feeling raw and vulnerable, we may lash out at our partners which may release aggression momentarily, but of course will boomerang negative consequences back to us. We need to look at healthy options to process our stress.
To read more check out the rest of this article here:
http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/make-sure-your-relationship-doesnt-get-caught-in-the-emotional-crossfire-of-terror/
Let Hope Get You Out of the Dating Slump
Increasing our feelings of hope by doing what we love and shifting our attitude about dating is the best way to overcome our dating slump.
Can We Overcome Our Relationship Slip Ups?
Do you sometimes do things to upset your partner that puts a dent into your relationship bliss? How can you overcome your slips ups and move on?
Do You Have to Kill Your Fantasies and Settle to Get Married?
We were all raised on beautiful, fairy tale fantasies. Where the Prince marries the gorgeous girl and they live happily ever after. They ride into the red and orange haloed sunset on a white stallion with a magnificent, towering castle in the background which promises only joy and prosperity. How many couples try and recreate this fairy tale fantasy on their wedding day and in their lives? We all want to live happily ever after. That’s why the fairy tales are reproduced again and again in our theaters. They feed into our fantasy of the way our life should be. Of the way our partner should be; the shining Prince with a sky high bank balance and a six pack to match; the magnificent woman of Barbie proportions with the benevolence of Mother Teresa.