How Excessive Relationship Expectations Can Kill Your Marriage…
“I can’t believe my husband forgot our anniversary again,” lamented a client recently. “We have been married for nearly 12 years and he never remembers.” I asked her how she knew he didn’t remember it. Exasperated she related how there was no gift, no dinner reservation, not even a trifling text to acknowledge their special day. Her relationship expectation that he would remember and celebrate their anniversary was not met and she was livid with frustrated rage.
How many times does this happen to us in our relationships. You expected her to be on time for dinner with your parents, and not um and ah over what shoes matches her new leather jacket. He was meant to take out the garbage, not leave it out for the cats to brawl over in the garden. We all carry conscious or unconscious expectations from our partner, and when these aren’t met we are inevitably disappointed, frustrated and fuming for a name calling fight.
How many times have important dates which should have been celebrated been turned into a nuclear cold war. Instead of giggling over a glass of bubbly, you find yourself in separate rooms trying to cool off from the rage of being overlooked, forgotten and feeling unimportant to your partner. Whilst they are often bewildered, confused and in turn angry at your ‘disproportionate’ reaction to their not celebrating your birthday.
The question we have to ask ourselves before we get cross with our partners is, ‘Is this a fair expectation to have. Did we communicate our expectation so that they could fulfil it?’ This could mean deciding that your birthday celebration is important to you, which means you need to express this to your partner. Don’t just tell them it’s important but outline exactly what you expect with all its requisite specifics. A birthday card, a romantic candlelit dinner and a present that you shop for together. And remind, remind, remind your partner so that it will be done!
I can just see you rolling your eyes. They should know this on their own. If they loved me they’d naturally know how to read my mind and do exactly what I want. However is this true? Do you magically know exactly what your partner wants? A relationship is about being fair and realistic, not about magically getting what we want.
We need to turn around to our partner with love and compassion and help them join us in meeting our expectations. Teach them to treat us how we want to be treated, with kindness and encouragement, rather than judgement and frustration. We readily acknowledge that we are doing the best we can in our relationship. We need to extend this to our partners who are also doing the best they can.
Tips for managing expectations in your marriage
- Be Aware of Your Expectations – Be honest with yourself about your expectations from your partner. If you’re upset that they didn’t cut the roast beef, it’s because you forgot to tell them. If something is important, spell it out, don’t play guessing games in your relationship.
- Communicate Your Expectation – If you don’t tell your partner what you want from them, they won’t know. The more specific you are the easier it is for them to come to the party and fulfil your wants. So don’t just say – fetch the dry cleaning, get specific- tell them which dry cleaner, which item, when, and to make sure the item was cleaned.
- Lower Your Expectations – When you lower your expectations you will be surprised when they do what you love, like organize a fun night out. This is better than stewing over their shortcomings.
- Take the Pressure Off – If an expectation has become a continual wild dog fight, step back, and take the pressure off. Forget the anniversary if it’s ruining your relationship. Give your partner the space to decide for themselves what they want to do. This will encourage them to do what you want.
- Model what is Important to You – Buy yourself flowers so your partner knows what you love. Go out with your mates to that concert you’re dying to go to.
It’s your partner’s choice to join you in living the way you want. Show them you’re not waiting for them. You’re going to live your best life right now!
What relationship expectations are you not prepared to let go of? Email me: [email protected]
Stellar Relationship Skills From the Start!
Newlyweds classically believe that all they need in marriage is LOVE. They reject learning relationship skills early on because they think, ‘We can deal with anything because we love each other’. They think ‘Why work on a relationship and learn skills for a successful future when we are already a great success together?’. The basic attitude is, love conquers all. We’ll deal with problems when they arise. Of course by then it may be too late.
Love is not enough to keep marriages together. If love were enough there wouldn’t be staggering divorce statistics. When the going gets tough love gets going. Couples are left adrift.
Couples who begin all lovey dovey with stars in their eyes, are blind to the small things that irritate them. It’s inconvenient to focus on the way he slurps his soup, the way she leaves her laundry on the bathroom floor or is perpetually late. Research shows that when couples are engaged, they notice the things they like about their partner. Only once they’re married do they begin to notice the things they dislike. And as we all know it’s the little irritants that accumulate until they become THE issue.
One of the greatest problems that lead to couple meltdown isn’t the problem itself, but rather the delay in seeking help. The reason a couple often wait so long to receive help for their difficulties isn’t because they didn’t know they had issues. Rather, they felt they could deal with these issues by themselves. Only problem is, they lack the skills. They spiral down into dark places where relationships die a speedy death.
By this stage it’s not about the problem anymore. The real issue is the way they’re dealing with it. Emotions like fear, anger and hurt erupt around the problem, spilling over into the relationship, clouding rational judgement. The fight is on! Neither spouse is aware of the deeper, unspoken issues that underlie the foundation of their relationship.
Now we ask, “Where is the love that will rescue this battling couple”? It’s long gone. Love alone can’t save a relationship. If a couple don’t know how to deal practically with conflict and difference, which will inevitably arise in every relationship, their relationship won’t survive.
So contrary to popular thinking, investing in relationship education early on is buying relationship insurance. Pre-marriage education teaches the necessary communication skills and emotional tools to identify and resolve issues that inevitably crop up for every couple. The earlier a couple learns these tools the better. Advisably before the two year mark, by which point most habits become hard wired.
Love is a precious gift at the beginning of every marriage. It’s worth investing and insuring in it so that you can enjoy the happy, long lasting relationship you both deserve.
Which relationship skills do you think will take your relationship to the next level? Email me: [email protected]
Are You Hiding Behind Your Relationship?
Miri shared with me that when and her boyfriend Moshe became serious, he gave her an ultimatum. He told her to either move in before marriage or to end the relationship. Miri said that when this decision was presented to her in this way, she saw only two options. She was completely shocked into submission. She admitted that she had been very smitten by David’s suave personality and good looks. At the age of 30 was frightened to lose him and start over. She made the decision to move in with him, going against her better judgment and desires.
What Miri didn’t realize was that this monumental decision would set the stage for the rest of their relationship and ultimately her marriage.
Rather than take the time to consider what was truly important to her when presented with a different perspective, she gave up on listening to herself because she was paralyzed by fear of losing the relationship. What Miri didn’t realize was that by dismissing her fear she was losing herself and even worse, feeling angry and resentful towards Moshe for making this and other important decisions. She had even convinced herself that her husband was controlling, without realizing that she had given her control away.
Often how a relationship starts is how it will continue if both parts of the couple are not aware of the dynamic of the relationship. Miri spent the better part of her 20 year relationship shrouded in a mask. Putting on a happy front, but pushing her actual feelings and needs aside. Over time, Moshe’s respect for her eroded so significantly that he left her for another woman.
Sadly, this is something that happens to many people who feel scared of standing up for themselves. They wrongly believe that if they actually take a stand, they may end up losing love. What happens in actual fact when we don’t listen to ourselves and stand up for what we really want is that we lose self-respect and begin to believe that we aren’t worthy of it. The message we subconsciously transmit to those around us when we don’t stand strongly behind our convictions is, “I don’t really matter,” or “Your opinion is more worthy than mine”.
The only way to break free from living behind a mask is to first become aware of and take responsibility for your part in the relationship dynamic. You also need to feel the discomfort of not living in your own skin and not feeling strong enough to offer your own opinions. Once you can come to terms with how you feel about living behind someone else’s decisions, and realize that you have been allowing someone else to make decisions for you, only then will you be able to reclaim your power and shift the dynamic so that you can find a happy medium that works best for both you and your partner.
If you are not yet in a relationship and you fear standing up for your thoughts, feelings, beliefs and opinions:
- Ask yourself what is holding you back from stating your convictions? Did someone make you feel that your opinions had little value?
- Were decisions always made for you, so that you never had an opportunity to make decisions?
- Did you make some poor decisions that led you to believe that others’ opinions are more worthy than your own?
If you are married and you struggle to express yourself to your partner:
- Ask yourself what stops you from being able to stand up for yourself in the relationship: Are you scared of losing your partner if your opinions differ?
- Are you afraid of feeling belittled by your partner?
- Are you scared of making decisions that will be detrimental to the relationship?
Whether you are single or married, the key to creating and sustaining a healthy relationship is having two strong individuals that can feel confident in their beliefs and convictions, yet can also create space for alternative opinions. When we allow ourselves to hold on to our fear of losing ourselves and combine this with the belief that everyone has a valid opinion, we can state our opinion clearly and with conviction, while hearing the other and arrive at decisions and conclusions that work for everyone involved.
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Can We Overcome Our Relationship Slip Ups?
Do you sometimes do things to upset your partner that puts a dent into your relationship bliss? How can you overcome your slips ups and move on?
Do You Have to Kill Your Fantasies and Settle to Get Married?
We were all raised on beautiful, fairy tale fantasies. Where the Prince marries the gorgeous girl and they live happily ever after. They ride into the red and orange haloed sunset on a white stallion with a magnificent, towering castle in the background which promises only joy and prosperity. How many couples try and recreate this fairy tale fantasy on their wedding day and in their lives? We all want to live happily ever after. That’s why the fairy tales are reproduced again and again in our theaters. They feed into our fantasy of the way our life should be. Of the way our partner should be; the shining Prince with a sky high bank balance and a six pack to match; the magnificent woman of Barbie proportions with the benevolence of Mother Teresa.
Affair Proof Your Relationship…
An affair, like drugs, overabundance of alcohol, and unhealthy food is a quick fix. It’s a slippery slope for someone who genuinely love’s their partner and wants to keep their marriage alive. Just as the idea of Weight Watchers is to help us stay on the straight and narrow with our diet, marriage education programs can help us learn ways to keep marital love exciting and alive.
How to Make your Family Holiday More Enjoyable…
Do you ever notice that your family dynamic is a little more insane over the holidays than at any other time of the year? Sure one tends to see their family members more during holidays than at any other time, but why do so many family fights happen then?
Many people feel like cringing when they link of holidays because they associate them with feelings of stress and anxiety. Who job is it to help with cooking and cleaning? Whose turn it is to take out the garbage. The house is more chaotic than usual…In a family’s attempt to create a beautiful atmosphere for the holidays, often times the organizers get caught up in planning to perfection. This comes at the expense of other things, like enjoying the time and the people around them.
Another reason that family feuds tend to emerge more around the holidays is because family gatherings evoke recollections from the past. Old sibling rivalries that haven’t been quashed, or when wounds from the past emerge tension and friction fill the air. A slight comment gone askew can cause skin to crawl or tensions to flare.
The best way to continue to gather together for family holidays without the tension is to lower your expectations. Instead be ok with a bit of mess. If the food doesn’t turn out perfectly, the kids clothing gets stained or guests turn up a bit late…just breath and let it go…Let your family members create the experience together. Rather than force your traditions and beliefs encourage and inspire… Create a safe space for yourself by telling family members that certain topics are “no go zones” before meeting up. If your family members cross the lines you create, then it is up to you to remind them that they are out of line, firmly and without anger.
I hope all of your holidays go well..Drop me a line…let me know what tip you found helped your holiday be more enjoyable for you…[email protected]
Marriage Therapy as an Insurance Policy
Think getting practical about money is the way to protect your marriage for the long haul? Invest your money in marriage therapy early to keep it healthy!