Top Tips to Get A Conversation Rolling on the First Date
Here are a few great tips to get conversations rolling on first dates better…It can also land you a first date…
Are You Hiding Behind Your Relationship?
Miri shared with me that when and her boyfriend Moshe became serious, he gave her an ultimatum. He told her to either move in before marriage or to end the relationship. Miri said that when this decision was presented to her in this way, she saw only two options. She was completely shocked into submission. She admitted that she had been very smitten by David’s suave personality and good looks. At the age of 30 was frightened to lose him and start over. She made the decision to move in with him, going against her better judgment and desires.
What Miri didn’t realize was that this monumental decision would set the stage for the rest of their relationship and ultimately her marriage.
Rather than take the time to consider what was truly important to her when presented with a different perspective, she gave up on listening to herself because she was paralyzed by fear of losing the relationship. What Miri didn’t realize was that by dismissing her fear she was losing herself and even worse, feeling angry and resentful towards Moshe for making this and other important decisions. She had even convinced herself that her husband was controlling, without realizing that she had given her control away.
Often how a relationship starts is how it will continue if both parts of the couple are not aware of the dynamic of the relationship. Miri spent the better part of her 20 year relationship shrouded in a mask. Putting on a happy front, but pushing her actual feelings and needs aside. Over time, Moshe’s respect for her eroded so significantly that he left her for another woman.
Sadly, this is something that happens to many people who feel scared of standing up for themselves. They wrongly believe that if they actually take a stand, they may end up losing love. What happens in actual fact when we don’t listen to ourselves and stand up for what we really want is that we lose self-respect and begin to believe that we aren’t worthy of it. The message we subconsciously transmit to those around us when we don’t stand strongly behind our convictions is, “I don’t really matter,” or “Your opinion is more worthy than mine”.
The only way to break free from living behind a mask is to first become aware of and take responsibility for your part in the relationship dynamic. You also need to feel the discomfort of not living in your own skin and not feeling strong enough to offer your own opinions. Once you can come to terms with how you feel about living behind someone else’s decisions, and realize that you have been allowing someone else to make decisions for you, only then will you be able to reclaim your power and shift the dynamic so that you can find a happy medium that works best for both you and your partner.
If you are not yet in a relationship and you fear standing up for your thoughts, feelings, beliefs and opinions:
- Ask yourself what is holding you back from stating your convictions? Did someone make you feel that your opinions had little value?
- Were decisions always made for you, so that you never had an opportunity to make decisions?
- Did you make some poor decisions that led you to believe that others’ opinions are more worthy than your own?
If you are married and you struggle to express yourself to your partner:
- Ask yourself what stops you from being able to stand up for yourself in the relationship: Are you scared of losing your partner if your opinions differ?
- Are you afraid of feeling belittled by your partner?
- Are you scared of making decisions that will be detrimental to the relationship?
Whether you are single or married, the key to creating and sustaining a healthy relationship is having two strong individuals that can feel confident in their beliefs and convictions, yet can also create space for alternative opinions. When we allow ourselves to hold on to our fear of losing ourselves and combine this with the belief that everyone has a valid opinion, we can state our opinion clearly and with conviction, while hearing the other and arrive at decisions and conclusions that work for everyone involved.
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What Will Inspire You to Drop Your Mask?
Can we afford to wait for someone else to make the first step when it comes to creating a relationship?
Getting Singles Married- Not a Walk in the Park
Making shidduchim is hard in any generation. Here are some thoughts about the shidduch crises in our day…
Make Sure your Relationship Doesn’t Get Caught in The Emotional CrossFire of Terror
If you live in Israel chances are you are feeling anxious and on edge as terrorists violate our streets. How do we stop this situation from taking over our lives and overwhelming us? Fear has a ripple effect that overwhelms our families and environment like a tsunami. Instead of reacting to every new story of terror with unchecked fear, we need to combat this fear with greater inner calm and composure than ordinary.
However, remaining calm in our turbulent times is not an easy feat. We feel angry, scared, unsafe, alone and a mixture of other unidentifiable feelings. All we really want to do is hide under our bed covers, get away from this chaotic reality of violence and wake up with the hope that our leaders have sorted everything out so we can go on living our normal lives.
Feeling raw and vulnerable, we may lash out at our partners which may release aggression momentarily, but of course will boomerang negative consequences back to us. We need to look at healthy options to process our stress.
To read more check out the rest of this article here:
http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/make-sure-your-relationship-doesnt-get-caught-in-the-emotional-crossfire-of-terror/
Top Ten Reasons to Marry an Israeli if You are an Oleh…
Many of the single Olim Chadashim I work with want to marry an Oleh Chadash like themselves. They believe that by marrying someone with a similar mind set will be a better fit for them.
This Yom Ha’Atzmaut I decided to share my thoughts about why Olim Chadashim may actually benefit from marrying a true Sabra (or at least someone who’s parents raised them in Israel).
Here is my top ten list for why an Oleh Chadash should consider marrying an Israeli:
10) To have someone who can yell at the Bezek, Hot, Golan, Orange guy in their native language and actually be taken seriously.
9) To balance out your overzealous idealism and give u a dose of reality.
8) So that you can save your vacation days to actually go on vacation, rather than always be traveling overseas to visit your relatives (that is not a vacation).
Read more here:
http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/top-10-reasons-to-marry-an-israeli-if-you-are-an-oleh-chaddash/
Tips For Getting Relationship Slip Ups Back on Track
We all make mistakes. After all we’re all human. What’s important in any relationship is not the blunders you make, but what you do afterwards. Here’s a list of tips I’ve compiled to make those awkward, uncomfortable moments easier to overcome.
1) Go Easy on Yourself
When we stop whipping ourselves for our faults we open ourselves up to being kinder and more forgiving, not only to ourselves, but to our partner. This sets the stage for loving reconciliation. You can’t give love that you don’t have for yourself. You can’t be kind to your partner if you’re not kind to yourself.
2) You’re on the same Team
Whilst it sometimes feels that you’re at war with your partner, you need to remember that it’s not about right or wrong. You’re partner isn’t against you. You’re on the same team, and through seeking to understand each other, you can resolve your differences together so that you have win-win results.
3) Know That There is Always a Solution
You need to be optimistic that there’s a solution to every problem in your relationship. This makes it asier to grow and move forward together, as you are actively looking for positive outcomes, rather than wallowing in self defeating relationship talk such as ‘it’s useless’ or ‘she or he is never going to change’.
Of course the correct solution may not magically appear right away. Patience, forbearance and the attitude that ‘this too shall pass’ will help see you through any sticky period.
4) Seek Help
There’s no stigma around needing help in your relationship. The best relationships benefit from an objective third party who can offer new perspectives and skills to help overcome any serious differences, or recurring issues. Therapy often enables couples to own their relationship and proactively build their home in a conscious way together.
5) Don’t Forget the Big Picture
When you commit to your partner you’re invested for the future. Small hiccups along the way in the big picture, are just that, minute moments that you’ll look back on with pride and even share tears of laughter as you realise how far you’ve grown.
Travelling the long, winding road of a relationship isn’t easy as you navigate all it’s surprising, bumpy humps, but in the end it’s gratifying to be able to look back and see how far you’ve come together.
Why Writing an Online Dating Profile Well is Essential
If you have written your online dating profile, you know by now it is the least romantic, and most business like part of dating. Many people fill out online dating profiles similarly to completing any other beaurocratic form – quickly and efficiently. Little thought is given to the person reading it…Often the questions are asked in a pragmatic way, which doesn’t invite the writer to bring out feelings of excitement. Most people sound like 2-dimensional characters and are indistinguishable from other members of the site. So whether people are searching for their soulmate or just someone to date, other than the photo, there isn’t much to go on.
I hear lots of complaints, “why should I even bother making an effort with my online dating profile”? Whether or not everyone makes an effort to write a profile isn’t really the point. Writing a decent online dating profile actually can do a lot of good for you.
It is a space to help you crystalise in written form who you are, what you have to offer and what you are looking for.
It sends a message that you take yourself seriously. Taking time to fill out the online dating profile well sends that message.
When you make an effort, others will too. When one person starts taking their online dating profiles seriously it inspires others to do the same.
– A well written online dating profile separates you from the rest. If everyone else says little about themselves, you will stand out as the person who takes the time to show themselves.
– Having a well written online dating profile gives people looking at your profile something to sink their teeth into. Content creates an opportunity for people to chat with you about something that you are passionate about. They can use your content to hit the ground running by connecting with you about something you really care about.
– It helps you to distinguish between people who are reading your online dating profile and those who aren’t. What I mean is, people who are reading your profile, vs just looking at your photo will make references to things you write, when they try to chat with you. (If you are reading all of this, I am going to assume you also want to be with a partner who reads!).
-Having a well written profile saves you time in the long run. If someone starts up with you that appears very wrong for you, you can say, take a look at my profile and then let me know if you are interested in continuing. It is a pretty bold move, that enables the other person to know you won’t be messed with.
I have read many poorly written profiles. Even if people write a lot, but saying nothing, they aren’t inviting. A poorly written profile has the potential to invite the wrong person in, which may even be worse than no person. If you were applying for a job, surely you would spend many hours tweaking your cv. And that is just for a crappy job that will probably last a year or two. Online dating profiles are about trying to land your life partner (presumably), so shouldn’t you consider investing a fair amount of time on it?
Watch this space for my next article on how to make your online dating profile work best for you.
Let Hope Get You Out of the Dating Slump
Increasing our feelings of hope by doing what we love and shifting our attitude about dating is the best way to overcome our dating slump.
Can We Overcome Our Relationship Slip Ups?
Do you sometimes do things to upset your partner that puts a dent into your relationship bliss? How can you overcome your slips ups and move on?