Why Relationship Therapy When Things are Good is Great!!!
“My relationship is rock solid, what would relationship therapy do for me?”
This is something I hear a lot in my line of work.
Most people believe they should only go to therapy when their relationship is on the rocks. Months and years after trying to sort things out on their own.
Let’s consider how that works. You feel angry at your partner for something they did. You try and tell them, and they don’t respond the way you want them too. So you keep trying all sorts of different ways. You still don’t get the response you want. By this point, you no longer feel angry. You’ve now reached FLAMINGLY FURIOUS!!!!
So now what? Who’s feeling motivated to work on a relationship now? The Answer: “NO ONE!”
Nobody feels motivated to work on a relationship after so much water has schlept under the bridge. And for those of us with poor relationship models and few tools and skills, we’re at a loss. Even for those of us with great skills if only one of us has them, where are we? And throw in the fact that our emotions are all over the place and wreaking havoc, it’s like staring right into the eye of a tornado… Not a pretty sight!
So when is the best time for marriage therapy? It’s when you’re feeling pretty optimistic. This helps in a few ways. First, it ensures that both of you feel motivated to really invest in the relationship. When you’re in giving mode, your both gonna put in your all to make sure your relationship stays on track. Second, people who feel good and secure in their relationship are more receptive and open to ways of maintaining and protecting their relationship. This is the time when marriage and relationship therapy is most potent! Not when you can’t even remember why you chose to marry each other because your so damn angry!
Make a list of all the things you most want to protect about your relationship…I’d love to hear about it!!!! Send them my way: [email protected]
When your relationship is over..is it really?
Often when couples come for therapy or coaching, they feel desperate about their situation. They fear that their relationship is over… beyond repair. What unfortunately brings couples to therapy is the threat from one of the pair that if they don’t come to therapy with the intention of doing something drastically different, then the relationship is OVER.
This threat can often be read as a plea for help. The person threatening to leave the relationship can be suggesting a few different things:
”I feel that I have been putting a lot of work into this relationship, and I don’t see that you have been putting in as much as I have.”
” I’m bored…I need more stimulation.”
“My feelings have changed…I need to remember what brought us together in the first place.”
Everyone has a role to play in their couple relationship. All relationships struggle to find the right balance at different times. When one person ends up doing the bulk of the emotional work, this can leave them to feel as though they are carrying a heavy load.
In order for a healthy relationship to flourish, the couple needs to understand that every relationship is dynamic. When one part of the couple makes one move it usually results in the other part needing to make a move as well. Positivity breeds positivity and negativity breeds negativity. By focusing on the positive things our partner does and appreciating them for it we are modeling for our partner how to treat us well. This concept works in reverse as well.
By talking through the parameters of the relationship,in the presence of an objective observer couples have the power to turn around an unsuccessful relationship… and make it sensational. While talking through all of the details of a relationship may sound a little unromantic, when put into practice each part of the couple begins to feel clearer about their roles and feels like an equal player. By feeling like they have a role in the relationship people begin to feel empowered. This makes them feel better about themselves and inspires them to see a brighter future. Once the positive feelings begin to flow couples then begin to feel more affectionate towards one another, and the romance then has the opportunity to flourish.
How do you deal with your feelings about your relationship when they are at low tide? Drop me a line: [email protected]
Finding Love with Serendipity…
Most of us would prefer to find love with help from serendipity! No one really likes to be “fixed up.”. Even the very expression belies the negativity of the whole event. Cars and old tv’s get “fixed up.” That’s because they are broken down. To fix up a person with someone else somehow implies that he/she is not working right and needs some work done to them. The average person would much rather find their true soulmate on their own and not through a third party… no matter how reliable the friend. While girls are probably more likely to admit it, even guys, if pressed, would prefer the “romantic” way of meeting someone.
Maybe it’s the novels we read or the movies we watch. Those portray the exceptional romantic encounter that leads to true love… the goal most of us aspire in forging a relationship.
Perhaps there is something to the notion of serendipity. That discovery that happens when we’re least expecting it. So many important discoveries and inventions just happen while the scientist was really looking for something else. A surprising number of the conveniences of modern life were invented when someone stumbled upon a discovery or capitalized on an accident: the microwave oven, safety glass, smoke detectors, artificial sweeteners, X-ray imaging. Many blockbuster drugs of the 20th century emerged because a lab worker picked up on the “wrong” information.
No one knows what elements go into the creative process of making such discoveries by chance, but if we did, my, what great inventions could be found! In the same sense, this “mystery” that we call “falling in love” could be explored, quantified, bottled, and produced so that more, better and longer lasting relationships could be produced, leading to a profound change in society itself.
Alas, such a pursuit in discovering this serendipitous mystery is itself self-defeating. For like so many of the important things in life it does take much knowledge, skill, work, and effort to achieve success, but there is always the X-factor that makes for a real break-through. Some will call it fate. Others call it G-d. Scientists might call it serendipity. From my limited experience, it is when one is least expecting it, that great things can result.
So when it comes to great discoveries in science as well as matters of the heart, it is probably best to “leave a little to G-d”.
Where would you most appreciate the love of your life showing up? How do you imagine you will recognize it? Email me: [email protected]
Great Date Expectations- What’s Allowed?
Everyone is looking for “THE ONE”. Looking for “THE ONE” means that you’re probably carrying around a list of what you expect from your dream partner. Someone good looking, smart, kind and of course some one who makes us laugh. Some of us have subconscious expectations that are getting in the way of making our relationship dreams a reality…
From the minute we enter this world we start creating a subconscious laundry list of partner expectations. Our list is influenced by the way we grow up. Watching Disney movies, fairy tales, and even witnessing our parent’s relationship, all influences how we think our partners should be. What most of us don’t realise is that there are so many subconscious, hidden expectations of our potential spouse, that we aren’t even aware of what they might exactly be.
When it comes to dating, making sure that we date someone who really matches our expectation level, in a realistic way, means being super clear with ourselves about how we want a relationship to look.
We need to be realistic about what we have to offer. We can’t expect to marry a super model when we look like Hulk’s brother. We need our expectations to be grounded in some form of reality. Is it a fair expectation for your dates to always be happy, if we occasionally feel down? Can we really expect our dates to always have interesting things to say? Do we always have interesting things to say? Can we expect our dates to have completely secure jobs? What field in this day and age is completely secure and without the potential for a down turn?
On the other hand just because we have a great career, doesn’t mean we can’t be with someone who’s less educated but has other interests and who has a great sense of self and lots of presence to offer a relationship. How many times have the very people who would never have been a suitable partner, turned out to be ‘THE ONE’, because they offer the complimentary attributes that complete the other person.
Being too overly focused on expectations whether you are in a relationship or wanting to be in a relationship, can make being in a relationship or getting into one feel like too much hard work. It takes the magic out of being with the ‘other’ who can teach you new aspects about life and yourself, that you’d never have if you only dated according to your strict expectations.
I advise my clients to manage their expectations. Work on their confidence and their ability to be there for themselves. So that they can bring their whole selves to their dates with clear expectations of what they want in the relationship. And to always date with an openness to moving beyond their expectations into the reality of who the other person is, which may be just what they need.
Want to find out if your expectations are realistic? Email me: [email protected].
How Excessive Relationship Expectations Can Kill Your Marriage…
“I can’t believe my husband forgot our anniversary again,” lamented a client recently. “We have been married for nearly 12 years and he never remembers.” I asked her how she knew he didn’t remember it. Exasperated she related how there was no gift, no dinner reservation, not even a trifling text to acknowledge their special day. Her relationship expectation that he would remember and celebrate their anniversary was not met and she was livid with frustrated rage.
How many times does this happen to us in our relationships. You expected her to be on time for dinner with your parents, and not um and ah over what shoes matches her new leather jacket. He was meant to take out the garbage, not leave it out for the cats to brawl over in the garden. We all carry conscious or unconscious expectations from our partner, and when these aren’t met we are inevitably disappointed, frustrated and fuming for a name calling fight.
How many times have important dates which should have been celebrated been turned into a nuclear cold war. Instead of giggling over a glass of bubbly, you find yourself in separate rooms trying to cool off from the rage of being overlooked, forgotten and feeling unimportant to your partner. Whilst they are often bewildered, confused and in turn angry at your ‘disproportionate’ reaction to their not celebrating your birthday.
The question we have to ask ourselves before we get cross with our partners is, ‘Is this a fair expectation to have. Did we communicate our expectation so that they could fulfil it?’ This could mean deciding that your birthday celebration is important to you, which means you need to express this to your partner. Don’t just tell them it’s important but outline exactly what you expect with all its requisite specifics. A birthday card, a romantic candlelit dinner and a present that you shop for together. And remind, remind, remind your partner so that it will be done!
I can just see you rolling your eyes. They should know this on their own. If they loved me they’d naturally know how to read my mind and do exactly what I want. However is this true? Do you magically know exactly what your partner wants? A relationship is about being fair and realistic, not about magically getting what we want.
We need to turn around to our partner with love and compassion and help them join us in meeting our expectations. Teach them to treat us how we want to be treated, with kindness and encouragement, rather than judgement and frustration. We readily acknowledge that we are doing the best we can in our relationship. We need to extend this to our partners who are also doing the best they can.
Tips for managing expectations in your marriage
- Be Aware of Your Expectations – Be honest with yourself about your expectations from your partner. If you’re upset that they didn’t cut the roast beef, it’s because you forgot to tell them. If something is important, spell it out, don’t play guessing games in your relationship.
- Communicate Your Expectation – If you don’t tell your partner what you want from them, they won’t know. The more specific you are the easier it is for them to come to the party and fulfil your wants. So don’t just say – fetch the dry cleaning, get specific- tell them which dry cleaner, which item, when, and to make sure the item was cleaned.
- Lower Your Expectations – When you lower your expectations you will be surprised when they do what you love, like organize a fun night out. This is better than stewing over their shortcomings.
- Take the Pressure Off – If an expectation has become a continual wild dog fight, step back, and take the pressure off. Forget the anniversary if it’s ruining your relationship. Give your partner the space to decide for themselves what they want to do. This will encourage them to do what you want.
- Model what is Important to You – Buy yourself flowers so your partner knows what you love. Go out with your mates to that concert you’re dying to go to.
It’s your partner’s choice to join you in living the way you want. Show them you’re not waiting for them. You’re going to live your best life right now!
What relationship expectations are you not prepared to let go of? Email me: [email protected]
Stellar Relationship Skills From the Start!
Newlyweds classically believe that all they need in marriage is LOVE. They reject learning relationship skills early on because they think, ‘We can deal with anything because we love each other’. They think ‘Why work on a relationship and learn skills for a successful future when we are already a great success together?’. The basic attitude is, love conquers all. We’ll deal with problems when they arise. Of course by then it may be too late.
Love is not enough to keep marriages together. If love were enough there wouldn’t be staggering divorce statistics. When the going gets tough love gets going. Couples are left adrift.
Couples who begin all lovey dovey with stars in their eyes, are blind to the small things that irritate them. It’s inconvenient to focus on the way he slurps his soup, the way she leaves her laundry on the bathroom floor or is perpetually late. Research shows that when couples are engaged, they notice the things they like about their partner. Only once they’re married do they begin to notice the things they dislike. And as we all know it’s the little irritants that accumulate until they become THE issue.
One of the greatest problems that lead to couple meltdown isn’t the problem itself, but rather the delay in seeking help. The reason a couple often wait so long to receive help for their difficulties isn’t because they didn’t know they had issues. Rather, they felt they could deal with these issues by themselves. Only problem is, they lack the skills. They spiral down into dark places where relationships die a speedy death.
By this stage it’s not about the problem anymore. The real issue is the way they’re dealing with it. Emotions like fear, anger and hurt erupt around the problem, spilling over into the relationship, clouding rational judgement. The fight is on! Neither spouse is aware of the deeper, unspoken issues that underlie the foundation of their relationship.
Now we ask, “Where is the love that will rescue this battling couple”? It’s long gone. Love alone can’t save a relationship. If a couple don’t know how to deal practically with conflict and difference, which will inevitably arise in every relationship, their relationship won’t survive.
So contrary to popular thinking, investing in relationship education early on is buying relationship insurance. Pre-marriage education teaches the necessary communication skills and emotional tools to identify and resolve issues that inevitably crop up for every couple. The earlier a couple learns these tools the better. Advisably before the two year mark, by which point most habits become hard wired.
Love is a precious gift at the beginning of every marriage. It’s worth investing and insuring in it so that you can enjoy the happy, long lasting relationship you both deserve.
Which relationship skills do you think will take your relationship to the next level? Email me: [email protected]
Getting the Delicate Balance between Giving and Taking in Relationships Right
Shoshana was furious that her boyfriend seemed to be much more giving to his friends than to her. Her boyfriend Moshe bought his friends tickets to the football, and often bought his friends gifts. Moshe found it difficult to give to his girlfriend because he saw her as an extension of himself. He wasn’t used to receiving from his parents, as he often felt like an after-thought. As much as he wanted to give to her, he was overly focused on what she was doing or not doing for him. It was as though he was only giving as an exchange for something else. They got into a difficult dynamic whereby no one wanted to budge on the giving and receiving.
What makes giving difficult?
We can’t give if we haven’t been on the receiving end. If we have a difficult time trusting that giving is coming from a good place. That our partner isn’t out to get us. That their intentions are well founded.
When we make giving an accounting act, it turns the relationship into a chess game where each one waits for the other to make a move.
It is also difficult to give, if we can’t receive. It is hard for us to understand why the other person needs to receive if we don’t have that same need.
The giving and receiving dynamic is an important one to get right from the beginning. Generosity is a quality that makes people feel nurtured and held. By withholding, each becomes suspicious of one an others intentions which stops them from feeling comfortable and safe in the relationship.
What it means to balance giving and taking
-Not taking account of whose turn it is to give
-Focus on what you can give and how this fits in with what your partner needs from you to feel safe
-Making sure that you can also receive and that when you do, this is done wholeheartedly
-Ensure that there is a strong culture of giving and receiving beyond material objects – more emotionally and physically
A great book that can help with this is the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. He explains all of the ways that we give enjoy giving and receiving love.
Send me an email and let me know i you find giving or receiving more difficult: [email protected].
How to Write a Killer Online Dating Profile!
While online dating isn’t the most ideal way to meet the love of your life, it is the preferred method at the moment. We all complain we are time poor and have heard stories about how our best friends and Auntie Sophie met the loves of their life through online dating. It is hard to imagine that people actually had relationships before the year 2000, when the world’s first online dating site J-Date launched. Since then, all sorts of dating sites have graced the internet. OK Cupid, E-harmony, Match.com and several others have taken the dating world by storm. There are many Jewish Online dating sites that have different spins on how they work. Saw you at Sinai, Zivug Zone, Shlish Gan Eden, Shadchanet and Two Become one are just a few. Watch this space for an upcoming article for an analysis of which sites are best for you.
Seeing as how I work with lots of my clients on ways to meet potential dates creating a good online dating strategy is essential. Having done lots of research on what works here are a few of my top tips to consider.
Top Tips that will make your online dating profile stand out and attract the kind of person you are looking for…
– Let them know what you are looking forward to contributing to a relationship. This sends the message that you are a giver, which is a very attractive feature.
(e.g., looking forward to baking cookies for them or with them, giving foot massages, creating romantic memories, etc)
– Don’t just say what you like to do – demonstrate it. Too many people say that they love to do chessed (charity), or that they are very chill (when often they are uptight but wish they were chill…). If you can instead share a brief story about how you laugh off a stressful situation, or how you make time daily to chill (i.e. how you nurture and look after yourself), this shows that you really value yourself which again is a very attractive quality.
– Never say you have a sense of humor. Show it instead. Tell a funny story that shows you in a good light. Show how you have a lighter side. Everyone’s sense of humor is different. Demonstrate how yours’ is unique and attract someone who enjoys your style.
– If you are an introvert and want to attract someone who gets this about you, say how you enjoy sharing lots of one-on-one time with the important people in your life. The message will be made clear without hammering it home. If you are an extrovert, share how you love making others laugh at a party, how you love making introductions and connections between people.
Really let yourself shine either way.
– Demonstrate that you can think of others beyond yourself. This is super attractive. Talk about the time your nephew was sick for days and how you pitched in and sent your sister and brother-in-law off for the night so that you could bond with your nephew and give your siblings the restful night they needed.
– Show off your personality through what you do regularly combined with what you wish you could do if you didn’t have a day job. Talk about your hopes and dreams. Throw in a few fantasies. For example, “If I wasn’t so busy lawyering, I would be getting my hands dirty in a beautiful garden, with the sun beating down on my back.” Or “While I love crunching numbers, I would be communing with gorillas in Africa”.
– Make your online-profile sensory. Give the reader a feel and taste for what you are about. This will make you come alive- which is super attractive. Talk about how you love the feeling of walking on wet moss. When you take walks on the beach, talk about how you love the feel of sand tickling your toes, the feel of the wind in your hair and the sun warming your body. When you cook dinner, talk about how you love the smell of the zatar and oregano in the stir fries you make.
– When it comes to commenting on your religious level, consider whether you really need someone who is exactly the same religious level. You don’t have to be exactly the same, but attract someone who is open and willing to respect the way you do things. Even if you were to find someone exactly like you religiously, I guarantee you may find you have to compromise on a value that may be even more important like how you communicate, or spend time or money.
– Rather than saying you go to shiurim or learn Torah regularly, consider sharing something you have learned recently that really excited you or that made you feel alive. Sharing is caring, and everyone wants to be with someone who cares.
– Although you may wish to convey that you are a serious person, be sure to show off your lighter side as well. Every relationship requires flexibility and lightness, especially when things get serious- and trust me, they do!
Although many people write almost nothing in their profile, this doesn’t mean that you have to be equally phlegmatic. Writing a great profile is another opportunity to potentially connect with someone who is right for you. If you take the opportunity to invest in considering who you are, what makes you tick and convey this in a humorous way to potential dates that may connect well with you, hey, you never know. Life is full of surprises. There is no better way to meet someone than by surprise!
By taking the minimal risk of sharing some important parts of who you are online, you may find it pays off. If you don’t put your best foot forward and at least try, you will never know what you may have missed out on.
As the saying goes: You gotta be in it to win it!!!
Which online dating site do you feel matches you best? Email me and let me know: [email protected]
Why Make Your Online Dating Profile Stand Out?
I hear lots of complaints, “why should I even bother making an effort with my online dating profile”? Whether or not everyone makes an effort to write a profile isn’t really the point. Writing a decent online dating profile actually can do a lot of good for you.
It is a space to help you crystalise in written form who you are, what you have to offer and what you are looking for.
It sends a message that you take yourself seriously. Taking time to fill out the online dating profile well sends that message.
When you make an effort, others will too. When one person starts taking their online dating profiles seriously it inspires others to do the same.
– A well written online dating profile separates you from the rest. If everyone else says little about themselves, you will stand out as the person who takes the time to show themselves.
– Having a well written online dating profile gives people looking at your profile something to sink their teeth into. Content creates an opportunity for people to chat with you about something that you are passionate about. They can use your content to hit the ground running by connecting with you about something you really care about.
– It helps you to distinguish between people who are reading your online dating profile and those who aren’t. What I mean is, people who are reading your profile, vs just looking at your photo will make references to things you write, when they try to chat with you. (If you are reading all of this, I am going to assume you also want to be with a partner who reads!).
-Having a well written profile saves you time in the long run. If someone starts up with you that appears very wrong for you, you can say, take a look at my profile and then let me know if you are interested in continuing. It is a pretty bold move, that enables the other person to know you won’t be messed with.
I have read many poorly written profiles. Even if people write a lot, but saying nothing, they aren’t inviting. A poorly written profile has the potential to invite the wrong person in, which may even be worse than no person. If you were applying for a job, surely you would spend many hours tweaking your cv. And that is just for a crappy job that will probably last a year or two. Online dating profiles are about trying to land your life partner (presumably), so shouldn’t you consider investing a fair amount of time on it?
What is your Best Feature that you need to focus on in your online dating profile? Email me at [email protected].