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Proud, Privileged and Petrified

In just two short weeks, my son begins his service with the Tzanchanim, and I’m caught in a whirlwind of emotions. Pride surges through me, knowing he’s taking a stand for our homeland and our people. Yet, a deep-seated fear about the dangers he’ll face lingers in the pit of my stomach.

When the war erupted on October 7th, I was initially washed over with selfish relief that my son was safe in Yeshiva. It was a difficult realization, understanding I had wished for another’s child to shoulder the weight of our safety. This jarring insight propelled me to consider, “What can I do to contribute?”

Mid-October turned into a frenzy of action as we rallied to support our chayalim—collecting essentials, aiding army families, and providing therapy for those impacted by the Nova festival. The thought of being a soldier’s parent haunted me. How does it feel to know your child is courageously facing such formidable challenges? Despite my fears, I was compelled to navigate these emotions by facilitating support groups for parents of frontline soldiers.

In quieter moments, my thoughts drift to my son’s childhood—the terror he felt at a small merry-go-round, the tantrum over not getting every toy animal, and strangers attempting to soothe him with candy. It’s astonishing to reflect on how that fearful boy has grown into a selfless young man, determined to confront evil and protect us all.

Our recent discussions have ventured into difficult territories, contemplating worst-case scenarios. He’s shared with me his willingness to sacrifice for Am Yisrael, even if it means facing the gravest outcomes. His faith in the future of Israeli technology, to overcome potential injuries, is unwavering. These were conversations I never anticipated having.

Leading these support groups has been an immensely rewarding experience. Initially reticent, we’ve gradually opened up, sharing our deepest fears and finding comfort in our collective resilience. It’s been a profound honor to share in this journey.

Through these groups, I’ve gained invaluable insights into the lives of soldiers and their parents, preparing me for the realities of wartime. The sense of community and the tools to manage our emotions have been a tremendous support.

As we continue to navigate these challenging times together, I’m heartened by the strength and solidarity of parents like me. I am deeply thankful to Kav L’Noar for their instrumental role in establishing these support groups nationwide.

For those interested in joining a support group, please contact [email protected].

The other week, while sorting through the artichokes at Mishmor Ayalon farm, I started thinking about how peeling an artichoke is a bit therapeutic.

You start with the outer leaves, which are pretty hard and not really edible. With each leaf, you get a little closer to the heart, and the leaves get softer, more tender.

It is kind of how, with people, getting past the surface level stuff takes time and effort. You go through the motions, the small talk, until you start hitting the good stuff—those soft, inner leaves where things get more interesting.

Getting to the heart, though, that’s where the real challenge is. You have to carefully remove the choke, this fuzzy part that’s not pleasant to eat. It’s a delicate operation, almost like navigating through someone’s fears or insecurities. And then, there it is—the heart. It’s tender, delicious, and worth all the effort, a moment that softly declares, “This is what it’s all been for.”

All the peeling, the effort to get to the core of something, it’s a lot like building connections with people. It’s messy, it takes work, but the heart of it all? Totally worth it. Never thought I’d learn so much from an artichoke, but there you go.

Picture this – A father, who’s been away at war, finally walks through the door, expecting open arms and laughter. Instead, he’s met with shy glances or, even tougher, outright resistance from his own kids.

The journey back home from deployment is an emotional rollercoaster for any family. This “rejection” isn’t about love lost but rather about the shifts and insecurities that have crept in during his absence.

Children get used to routines, and when one parent has been the anchor for months or years, the return of the other can feel like a shake-up nobody asked for. It’s not that they don’t want their dad around; it’s that they’ve adapted to a life where mom does it all. And lurking beneath their hesitation is a worry that might weigh heavy on their little hearts: what if dad leaves again?

Addressing these challenges requires patience, understanding, and open communication from all family members. Fathers can take proactive steps such as:

• Engaging in Daily Routines: Participate in regular family activities and routines to re-establish your presence and role within the family.
• Quality Time: Spend one-on-one time with each child, engaging in activities they enjoy. This can help rebuild trust and strengthen individual relationships.
• Open Communication: Encourage open discussions about feelings and fears. Acknowledge the changes and challenges, and reassure your children of your love and commitment to them.
• Seeking Support: Professional guidance from a relationship and trauma therapist can provide invaluable support to families navigating the reconnection process. Therapy can offer strategies tailored to your family’s unique needs and facilitate a smoother transition.

The journey of reintegration into family life post-deployment is a path filled with learning and growth for both the returning parent and their children. While the initial phase may be marked by feelings of rejection, with patience, love, and the right support, families can rebuild stronger and more resilient bonds than ever before.

Remember, it’s not about replacing the time lost but about cherishing and making the most of the time we have now.

Together, with understanding and support, families can navigate the complexities of reconnection and family life.

I’ve had the profound honor of working with soldiers returning from combat. These brave individuals carry with them stories of incredible courage and resilience, along with both visible and invisible scars. These scars are not mere marks; they are profound alterations to their identity and reminders of the sacrifices they’ve made. Many of these young men and women had once envisioned a life of normalcy, which now seems a distant reality as they navigate their way through a new world with their injuries.

In today’s society, where physical appearance often dictates first impressions, the prospect of entering the dating scene can feel like an insurmountable challenge for these warriors. The question arises: Can love transcend the physical alterations and recognize the individual beneath?

Through my experience, I’ve learned that while physical attraction may initially draw people together, it’s the depth of connection and mutual respect that sustains a relationship. It’s about discovering someone who can look beyond the scars to see the strength and resilience that comes from overcoming adversity. Yes, there are individuals swayed by societal pressures who prioritize physical appearance, but there are also many who understand that true beauty is found in the essence of our experiences, the battles we’ve fought, and the inner strength we’ve cultivated. These are the people who view a missing limb not as a deficiency but as a symbol of survival and bravery.

For soldiers re-entering civilian life, the search for love is often intertwined with fears of rejection and misunderstanding. They worry that their physical wounds might define them in the eyes of potential partners, overshadowing their personalities, values, and the incredible resilience they possess. The fear of rejection extends beyond the visible injuries to the internal struggles that remain hidden from view. It’s crucial for them to find partners who not only understand their journey but also honor their sacrifices and see the courage it took to survive.

The quest for a life partner transcends the mere act of finding love; it’s about seeking acceptance and deep understanding. It involves connecting with someone who recognizes the profound impact of their experiences and appreciates the person they’ve become because of them. This journey of love is not just about seeing with the eyes but feeling with the heart, recognizing the beauty in resilience, the dignity in sacrifice, and the depth of character forged through adversity.

I encourage everyone to approach relationships with an open heart and mind, to look beyond the surface and to value the stories, strengths, and vulnerabilities each person brings. True connection is about embracing each other’s entire being, scars and all, and building a bond based on mutual respect, understanding, and unconditional acceptance.

In the heart of Israel, amidst the ever-present echoes of conflict, there exists a world that often remains hidden from the global narrative.

It’s a world that I, as a trauma therapist living in Israel, navigate daily.

I have the privilege of being part of these families’ journeys, facilitating support groups that have become essential in navigating the complexities of war.

These groups are more than just therapeutic sessions. They are a place where parents and loved ones of soldiers find solace in shared experiences, creating a support network that becomes their lifeline. In these gatherings, the silent struggles and unvoiced fears find expression, and the unyielding strength of these families is palpable. Laughter and tears are shared freely, and stories of daily struggles and triumphs intertwine, forming a tapestry of the complicated life we are currently living.

One of the most striking stories I’ve encountered is that of Miriam, a mother whose son serves on the front lines. Her narrative resonates with a profound sense of isolation—a feeling echoed by many in the group. She speaks of her relatives abroad who, despite their best intentions, can’t fully grasp the constant tension that is an intrinsic part of her life. “They live in a different world,” she says, her voice laced with a mixture of anger and frustration, “They have zero understanding of our reality.”

In our sessions, we also focus on practical coping strategies,and somatic exercises. These are crucial in managing the stress and anxiety that come with living in a conflict zone. They offer a way to address the physical manifestations of emotional turmoil, providing a much-needed outlet for release and relief.

The personal journeys of these families remind us that the impact of war extends far beyond the battlefield. It seeps into homes and hearts, leaving a lasting imprint. Yet, amidst this landscape of uncertainty and fear, there emerges  stories of incredible strength and unity.

In the midst of this unrelenting conflict, it’s the personal narratives of courage and connection, intertwined with the critical journey of confronting and navigating the trauma, anger, anxiety and overall emotional turmoil, that truly highlight the enduring spirit and resilience of the families on Israel’s homefront.

When Survival Overrides Passion

War’s effects on a person’s sexual desire can be complex and unique to each individual, shaped by various physical, psychological, and social elements. The impact of war is not just a series of statistics or clinical observations; it’s a deeply personal, often heart-wrenching experience for those involved. 

“Michael’s return from Tzuk Eitan marked a profound change in his and Sarah’s life. The loss of his leg was more than a physical challenge; it created an emotional distance between them. Sarah deeply missed their spontaneous intimacy, but now there was a hesitation, a barrier that wasn’t there before. Michael grappled with his new reality, struggling not just with adapting to a prosthetic but with relearning how to be with Sarah. Their way of expressing love and desire faced new challenges, as the physical loss evolved into an emotional chasm.”

In therapy, they found a safe space to voice their fears and longings. Sarah spoke of missing their effortless connection, while Michael shared his feelings of inadequacy. Through open communication and guided support, they began to bridge the gap that had formed between them. They learned to navigate these uncharted waters of change and intimacy, slowly finding new ways to connect and rekindle the flame that had dimmed as a result  of the war. This new chapter of their lives became a journey of healing, understanding, and rediscovering each other in the midst of altered circumstances.

Here’s a simpler breakdown of how war might change someone’s sex drive:

• Stress and Trauma: War can cause extreme stress and trauma, impacting mental and emotional health. This stress can lead to a lower libido in some.
• Mental Health: Conditions like PTSD, depression, and anxiety from war can harm mental health. These issues can decrease sexual desire and function.
• Physical Health: Injuries, disabilities, or chronic conditions from war can impact sexual ability and desire.
• Displacement and Life Changes: Being forced to leave home due to war disrupts life and relationships, impacting intimac
• Cultural and Social Shifts: War can change social norms and expectations, influencing relationships and sexual behavior.
• Relationship Strain: War brings challenges like separation and loss, which can strain relationships and reduce intimacy.
• Survival Focus: During war, basic needs like safety and food take priority, often shifting focus away from sex.
• Gender Dynamics: War can alter traditional gender roles, impacting sexuality and relationships.

Everyone reacts differently to war, and while some find comfort in relationships, others face difficulties. The impact of war on sex drive is also shaped by cultural background, personal resilience, and available support. Michael and Sarah’s story is just one example of the many complex ways in which war can reshape the most intimate aspects of our lives.

The impact of this war upon relationships

As we surpass the three-month mark of the ongoing conflict, the profound impact on personal relationships has become increasingly clear. This challenging period has tested the resilience of bonds between partners and families, leading to both strengthening and straining of connections.

Remarkably, adversity has brought many closer together. Individuals are cherishing their loved ones more, recognizing the fragility of life. There’s a renewed commitment to spend quality time with partners and children. A shift in perspective is also noticeable, with a focus on gratitude over criticism in relationships, fostering a more nurturing environment. Discussing daily war events has become a moment of connection for many couples. Families are seeking solace in their relative safety and finding comfort in volunteering and community contribution, which strengthens their bond.

Conversely, the stress of the situation has highlighted differences, leading to challenges. Varied approaches to the conflict and political ideologies are more pronounced, from ceasefire advocacy to differing views on military strategies. The intense situation is affecting people differently, stirring a range of emotions and impacting aspects like intimacy.

Effective communication and emotional support are essential in these times. It’s vital for partners to recognize and respect these differences rather than attempting to ‘fix’ the feelings of the other. The crux lies not in agreeing on every aspect but in understanding and empathetically responding to each other’s triggers. It’s about providing a supportive presence, not solutions. In times of crisis, the ability to navigate emotional landscapes together can turn challenges into opportunities for deepening relationships.

In their shoes: Creating empathy for parents of children in the IDF

As a trauma and relationship therapist, I’ve encountered a unique and challenging
dynamic that often arises among parents with children in different life paths. Particularly,
parents of active soldiers frequently struggle to relate to those who don’t share this
experience, leading to frustration on both sides.

For parents of soldiers, their daily reality is tinged with a unique set of fears and
stresses. Their world is one where news updates can bring heart-stopping moments,
and every phone call or doorbell might carry significant news. This constant state of
alertness creates a perspective that is often hard for others to fully understand.

Meanwhile, parents without these experiences may find it difficult to comprehend the
depth of this worry. Their well-meaning attempts to offer advice or draw parallels with
their own parenting challenges can sometimes lead to feelings of isolation and
misunderstanding for military parents. They may feel that their unique anxieties and
experiences are being minimized or not fully relatable nor appreciated.

This divide can be frustrating for military parents who feel that others don’t seem to
grasp their reality—a reality filled with the constant concern for a child’s safety.
Conversely, non-military parents might feel that they want to be supportive and helpful,
but are unsure how to approach military parents and say the right thing.

This situation creates a delicate balance in social interactions and relationships.
Non-military parents, eager to show support, may inadvertently step into sensitive
territory, not fully grasping the emotional weight carried by military parents. They often
find themselves navigating a tightrope between showing empathy and respecting the
unique challenges that come with having a child in active duty.

When parents actively strive to understand the distinct challenges and joys each other
faces, they lay the groundwork for a supportive and empathetic community. This mutual
respect not only enhances their own parenting experience but also contributes to
building a stronger, more compassionate environment for their children. By embracing
patience and empathy in their interactions, parents from diverse experiences can come
together, creating a unified community that welcomes all children, no matter the paths
they have taken.

This approach not only supports parents in their individual journeys but also models for
their children the values of understanding and respect in a diverse world.

The Home Front: Navigating relationships when your child is a soldier

In the homes of parents with children serving as soldiers, a somber quietude has replaced the
once bustling atmosphere, marking a poignant shift in their daily lives.
Many parents grapple with the excruciating challenge of having a child serve as a soldier during
wartime. This situation places immense stress on relationships, often in invisible and deeply
personal ways.

There’s an undeniable pride in knowing your child is serving their country, yet this pride is constantly
shadowed by fear — the fear of the unknown, the fear for their safety. This emotional rollercoaster can
strain even the strongest relationships, as partners struggle with their individual coping
mechanisms.

Communication, or the lack thereof, becomes a central theme. Waiting for calls or messages,
interpreting silences, and managing expectations can create a breeding ground for anxiety. In
relationships, this often leads to misunderstandings and feelings of isolation. Partners may deal with
their emotions differently—one might seek constant reassurance and communication, while the
other might withdraw into silence, ?nding it too painful to articulate their fears.

The stress in?ltrates every aspect of daily life—social gatherings become bittersweet, future planning
feels uncertain, and even joyous occasions are tinged with the absence of the child. This constant
tension can lead to con?icts, as each partner seeks solace or distraction in different ways. While one
might immerse themselves in work or social activities to avoid dwelling on their fears, the other
might become increasingly introspective or anxious, leading to a chasm in the relationship.

In these situations, instead of coming together in their time of need, couples often ?nd themselves
drifting apart, unable to bridge the gap created by their differing coping strategies. The challenge
then is not only dealing with the anxiety of having a child in war but also navigating the complex
dynamics of a relationship under strain.

However, amidst these challenges, there is room for growth and resilience. Open, honest
communication is crucial. It’s essential for partners to express their fears, hopes, and frustrations.

Acknowledging that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed and seeking support, either through counseling or
support groups, can be immensely bene?cial.

The journey of having a child who is a soldier in war is arduous and heart-wrenching. Yet, it can also
be a path of profound growth for a relationship. By acknowledging their differences, embracing
vulnerability, and seeking support, couples can learn to navigate these turbulent waters together,
emerging stronger in their shared journey of love, resilience, and hope.